hold on

[180527] hf_dreamcatcher facebook update

actual sisters 2hyeon 🤭

#1000DaysWithDreamcatcher ♡

i want to see a girl in her mid twenties who has never been kissed

i want to see a girl who is confused because she has literally no experience

a girl that has panic attacks when she thinks of sex and cant stop thinking about what kissing is like while also being terrified of it

a girl who cant figure out her sexuality because she’s never gotten to try

a girl who self destructs because shes terrified of how bigger her baggage gets with age

i’m sick of seeing woman in tv and movies who date and have sex and still have relationship hangups, not because that doesnt exist but because i cant relate to those women

i want to turn on the tv and see a 25 year old woman who has never been with anyone, was genuinely not looked at for a long time and has become terrified of attention, who’s anxiety cheats them out of dating, who greets every birthday with this feeling of dread in the pit of their stomach because they’re getting older and older and it feels weirder and more wrong with every passing year

i know i’m not the only woman like this, but with the way the media is, it’s maybe the most alienating baggage i carry. everywhere i look, it’s weird that this is my experience. i feel ashamed and i feel scared that i one day have to tell a person to their face that i’m am adult who has never had a first kiss. its terrifying and consuming and confusing and awful. you start to believe it isnt meant for you - not just sex, or intimacy, but fucking love itself. because you dont turn on the tv and see people like you. “unlucky in love” means slightly clumsy and loud on dates and fear of commitment. its a quirky girl who probably has had sex with multiple people and just ~cant figure it out~!!!!!

i want a girl who feels so alone because she literally always has been

Sometimes it’s sadness. It’s crying for the child you never got to be. It’s lying in bed, wondering who you would’ve been, if only you were cis. It’s looking at a cis guy or cis girl and feeling hollow in your chest.

Sometimes it’s anger. It’s screaming at the sky, for the unfairness of it all. It’s wondering, “why me?” It’s lashing out and resenting your family and friends, because even if they try they will never understand the pain you go through, will never understand what using your name and pronouns and supporting you in your transition means to you.

Sometimes it’s numbness. It’s looking in the mirror and just feeling empty. It’s taking a shower and staring at the ceiling, hands going through the motions, forcing yourself not to look down. It’s pushing your friends away because you can’t feel it within you to laugh or care anymore. It’s seeing someone else and hearing someone else and people talking about someone else, not you.

Sometimes it’s fear. The fear of changing in front of someone, of doctor’s appointments, of looking in the mirror when you step out of the shower. It’s the knot in your throat when you hear someone call you the wrong name but you’re not brave enough to correct them. It’s the fear that you’ll never get to be yourself.

Sometimes it’s confusion. It’s being young and wondering why those pronouns feel so wrong, why your name doesn’t fit you, wondering why your body feels so wrong but not having the words you need to explain yourself. It’s walking past a store window and being genuinely puzzled, because for a second, even if just a second, you forgot that you were transgender. It’s expecting to see something but seeing something else entirely.

Sometimes it’s exhaustion. Sometimes it’s so damn hard and you just want to sleep and never wake up again. Even if you’ve just woken up in the morning, you still feel like the weight of the world rests upon your shoulders, and your shoulders alone. It’s the feeling that no matter how much you sleep, you will never wake up to a world where you will get to be who you are without going through so much pain and effort and money. It’s wishing that someone would just hold you and tell you that they love you no matter what, no matter what- they’ll support you and fight for you and call you the right things.