father of mine tell me where have you been 🖤

Okay, I know I say this a lot, but I'm telling you, there is something absolutely massive nesting out in the woods. Found these broken branches that no normal deer or bear could've touched unless they skipped leg day and went straight for arms. Anyone free to hike out there and see if we can track it?

At this point, I feel like even if bigfoot is hanging out in the wilderness of Pennsylvania, he's probably actively hiding from you. Truly, I wish you could find him and live out the movie Harry and the Hendersons, but maybe you should just stop chasing him and give him space? Let him come to you, bro.

So, plot twist: an old Broadway director I worked with on The Book of Mormon emailed me because apparently the lead on the national tour for Phantom of the Opera had to step away unexpectedly, and now they want me to come in for a limited run. Which sounds glamorous and exciting until you realize it has led to me sitting at my kitchen table, staring into the abyss of my coffee like it personally offended me. Theatre brain says yes. Who cares if it's living out of a suitcase for the next two months? The rest of me is significantly less sure. I finally built a life here that actually feels stable and good and mine. If anyone needs me, I’ll be overthinking professionally for the foreseeable future.

Absolutely go for it, Phantom is one of the very few musicals that I can honestly say I enjoy watching. Granted, I've never actually seen the stage play live, just on youtube from pirated recordings and then of course the movie. But I say you should go for it. When you say lead though, I'm assuming you mean the Phantom and not Raoul? If it's the latter, I don't know if I'd say it's as worth it, I mean yeah that guy gets the girl but it's not as iconic of a role. And okay so the Phantom is technically problematic, but still. Whatever, do it and don't regret it. We'll all still be here when you get back anyway.

Dude, that’s legendary!! Like straight-up movie level revenge, I’m actually deceased. That’s the most iconic thing I’ve heard in months. If I were the ex-boyfriend, I think I would have just disintegrated right there on the spot. How was the rest of the night after that? Did anyone besides you even see what was really happening or did they just enjoy the show?

I feel like he even just looked like he immediately was walking with a figurative tail between his legs from the shame. I can honestly say I've never seen either one of the cheaters back in the bar since. There were definitely some hoots and hollers from a few people, but most everyone else was either too lost in the sauce or self-absorbed to notice. It was a weeknight, which I think it was made it more entertaining for me at least, but usually unless we have an event going on or it's a holiday, weeknights don't really cause the overall crowd to get into the people on the stage. I wish it had been a Friday or Saturday night, though. She'd probably have had the whole bar rallied with her.

Anybody else dreading summer a little bit? Don't get me wrong! Love the sunshine and all that, but I can never get fully into it because I hate being sweaty and gross so much. However, one thing I do love about summer? The chance to go summer shopping! Cute new sun dresses, sunglasses, bathing suits... all of that. So! Anybody want to join me in prepping for summer with some shopping? Let a girl know!

Yes, and no. Yes, because of all the bugs which have already started to ascend from hell. But then no, because we're one season closer to my favorite season: fall. Though I suppose I could use some new summer clothes myself, I wouldn't say no to a shopping trip with my favorite little sister.

The ego is self-sustaining at this point. It mostly runs on spite and the occasional reluctant compliment from people who pretend they can’t stand me. So really, you’re doing your part to keep it healthy. You’re welcome.

Okay, well I will gladly ignore you from now on and hope that it deflates.

Oof, yeah I figured that kinda stuff still slips through sometimes. Glad Mercedes doesn’t play about that though — respect. But okay, we can just stick to the karaoke part. No need to make you drag up stuff that you'd probably rather forget ever happened.

Okay unhinged karaoke stories from the bar, you know aside from the many off-key performances of course, lol. So there was this one time a girl walks in looking very inconspicuous, dressed in black from head to toe, hood up and wearing sunglasses despite it being after dark and all that. She orders a drink at the bar and is just sitting there, watching this one couple at a table nearby and I'm thinking... something is going on here, for sure. Next thing, she gets up to sing and it's Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood. Turns out, the couple she was eyeing when she first got there was her now ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend and she starts to reveal herself as she's singing and just the look on their faces when they realized they were caught. Priceless. I may or may not have added her one drink to their bill and they were so embarrassed and in a hurry to pay so they could book it out of there, they didn't notice. Then the poor girl sat and ordered a few more rounds herself, so naturally I told her it was all on the house and took it out of my pay. She deserved something good that night.

🌸🌼🌻Spring Asks🌻🌼🌸

It´s that one day of the year, April 30th, and our whole generation has one song stuck in their mind. Or at least that one sentence from that song. You know the one I´m talking about. And I know you wanna say it, so let me hear you finish this... 🎼 IT`S GONNA BE...🎤...

Oh god, I've had to hear that song so many times now just within the past week and it doesn't stop with the first of the month either, unfortunately. And at least 90% of the customers that insist on singing it are way off key. The downside of working at a karaoke bar, honestly.

Okay, but real talk — you have to have some absolutely unhinged customer stories I've never heard before. Like, what’s the craziest thing someone’s done or said at the bar?

Oof, well do you want something from the actual bar, which could be a tad more on the gritty side. Or something that might be a little more humorous in terms of the karaoke part of the place? Because as sad as it is, even a fun place like a karaoke bar can still have the creeps with grabby hands. It's maybe not as often as a dive bar and Mercedes is great at holding to her word when she bans those assholes, but yeah, still happens.

Hey, no need to be rude. I know the potential loss of my approval is a heavy burden to bear, but I have faith you'll find the strength to carry on.

Could you be any more full of yourself, Brody? Truly, I'm wondering if that ego could get any bigger before it pops.

text || @juliarose

Oh, wonderful. So instead of a tiny rodent rodeo, I’m walking into Texas Chainsaw Massacre starring a chipmunk? I’ll make sure to add "Halloween-themed roadkill" to the growing list of reasons to never let you house-sit for me. How many of these little costume dramas are we talking? Because if there’s more than five, I’m going to rethink this entire relationship.

Sure, if I actually did own said taxidermy rodents, like I said I'd only thought about it. I don't actually have any, because my cats would likely find a way to tear them apart. Re-think the entire relationship? Of what, girl you know through your sister because she's your sister's friend? What a shame, shambles, mutual-ish relationship completely could go down the drain. Tragic.