Julia Ira Writes

Sometimes....

I just want to break free.

Do you feel everything or nothing at all?

I just want to be lost. Lost.

Some things don’t need explanations,

if you feel it within your soul,

you just fucking feel that shit.

You can’t change it.

You feel that in your soul,

somehow you can’t let go,

then don’t.....

Let’s just be lost in it.

i used to shoot you down”

from the day i could recall my own memories.

i have always thought about suicide.

i often wondered why.

i often wondered why they keep surfacing.

overwhelming emotions.

my mom yelling,

4 years old me crying.

“go away, i don’t wanna hear you cry,

why are you even crying? stop crying”

i run towards my secret hiding spot.

underneath the table,

hiding from the world.

wanting to disappear.

overwhelming feelings.

i start drawing on the wall.

drawings of a loving family.

my mom walks in,

“why are you hiding under the table?”

starts dragging me by my hair.

“i don’t care if you are crying,

do you have any sense?”

i cry even harder.

“stop crying, stop crying!”

trying to stop,

tears kept pouring even more.

wanting to hide.

wanting to end it all.

the next day…

“i got you your favorite toy!

stop crying now ok?”

4 years old me,

confused but happy i got a new toy.

looking back…

i didn’t even want that toy.

i just wanted her to see me for me.

i just wanted her to care & hug me.

i just wanted her to help me

with these overwhelming feelings.

but she couldn’t,

she was living in this in denial world,

not knowing how to cope

with her own problems,

taking it out on me.

unintentionally…

but how would my 4 years old me know that?

of course i wouldn’t have known,

a household with no boundaries,

not being able to freely express myself.

of course i wouldn’t have known,

being conditioned into a home

where i have to look happy all the time.

of course i wouldn’t have known,

conditioning me to be who i am not.

of course i wouldn’t have known,

i often wondered why,

i often wondered why my mind lingers.

now it all makes sense.

Accepting the change.

Accepting what comes for me,

will be what’s for me.

Embracing my life to the fullest extent

Not giving up on myself.

I am unique on my own.

I am best at what I do.

This is my fucking life.

No need to worry about anything else.

I got myself, always.

If you wanna come along, great.

We soar high over here

& if you can’t keep up with me then so be it.

I’ll miss you,

but I cannot leave the door open anymore….

Not anymore….

my whole surrounding,

my every being is infinite,

the wonderful prism above is what sets it.

knowing myself when i can no longer.

knowing i’m never giving up.

just resting.

“soo, we’re just gonna keep breaking hearts?”

pain over love.

“no, i never wanted to break anyone’s hearts.”

pain over love.

“yet, we’ve been doing it, you haven’t stopped”

pain over love.

“i don’t want to anymore.”

love over pain.

“please, don’t you miss us?”

love over pain.

“we can’t anymore, it’s too late”

love over pain.

i’ve been trying to go back,

wondering why i even went back,

didn’t want to go back,

feeling the need to escape,

but escaping with you felt better,

so i went back,

feeling the need to escape,

& every fucking time i wanted to escape.

you were the first thought,

the never ending lingering of you,

escaping with you felt better.

I see the mother fucking universe in your eyes.

& be still for a moment... just for a min...

seems like a lifetime...

I just want us to lay it all out...

hands touching,

me massaging you,

hair pulling,

soft choking.

“just as free as i choose to be”

pride month project (june2023) @juliairawrites

title: koto, that’s life yo. (part 1, 2, prelude & finale)

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koto, that’s life yo — prt 1