Irenic

Many of you have found me on Instagram, I’m probably the most active there.

But...

Being there gave me so much anxiety that I lost it. Tears just rolling. I think it triggers me because I feel like I can’t protect my kids there. I realize how silly it is. Which made it worse and the tears just come more. Ugh. Embarrassing.

I was never a crier. Like ever before being pregnant with peanut. So now I feel just pathetic. I’m even embarrassed to admit that happened here.

Ok so thinking about my day I had an emotional morning too as my Coworker, who is 20 weeks pregnant, found out her little girl probably won’t make it, she appears to have a legal form of dysplasia but is currently moving etc just fine in there. I’m so sad for her. She was even at work today, I was like why are you here? She’s sad but at peace with it... but Anyways all I wanted to do tonight was snuggle my babies and be thankful and grateful they’re here.

It’s been a tough week but I’m starting to get into my work mode.. slowly but surely. I’m definitely suffering with pregnancy brain.. hope it gets better.

I hate over analyzing things.

Words I will continue to live by: people will forget what you say and what you do.. but they will not forget how you made them feel.

Well.. I survived. First day back at work. I’m writing this thinking about how I should put my exhausted ass into bed but instead I’m enjoying this black cherry chocolate chunk ice cream. And why yes, I am eating it right out of the carton. I like to put it in the microwave for 23 seconds and the edges get soft and delicious.

As I was leaving, peanut said “I love you” without any prompting or assistance it was amazing and also heart wrenching at the same time.

I watched someone get arrested at work today.. not an employee.. social work life.

I realized my “socializing with other adults” skills were incredibly rusty and lead to awkward conversations... except everyone asked the same questions today. Except my one coworker who came over and said “I just want to say “hi”. I’m not going to ask you the same dumb questions. But it’s good to see you and hi”. I wanted to hug her.

I walked past the candy dish about 50 times, because of course it’s in the main area, and did not take one because I knew I was going to eat some ice cream tonight. Balance. Other than the ice cream I’ve eaten real healthy all day.

I packed my lunch for tomorrow.

I’ve been pumping in my cube as it takes me more than 15 minutes to pump. 1. It’s difficult hanging up a blanket as apparently I grabbed one on the heavier side and I have a wall and filing cabinet on one end and nothing heavy enough to hold it up.. I got it to work but if a breeze came by, it would be history. Also, didn’t realize how loud my pump can sound when the room of cubes is silent but then there’s my pump talking to me.

But I bought super hero capes and masks and we played super hero all day and it was pretty much the best thing ever. He chose which colors we were all going to be. He was pink, I was purple, grandma was yellow, gg was red, and hubs was baby blue. He’s saving the others for grandma and grandpa. He also used a four word sentence during dinner. We only started a few three word sentences less than a week ago.

There was a point this afternoon where hubs got called out for work and my mom brought my grandma to church and it was just me and the boys. I let birthday boy pick out something on Netflix (I wish you could ban certain shows from popping up) and the three of us and the dogs all cuddled on the bed. One boy in each arm. No one wiggles around or cried. We just laid there for a solid five minutes and we just were. It was perfect. I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be.

Today I was able to bring peanut to his ECFE class (usually grandpa does and I don’t like breaking their routine). Anyways it was great, except when we were separated.

So most of the class is together, but for a half hour we separate and have parent discussion and the kids play. We enter the parent’s room, which is next door with a one way mirror so we can peak on the kiddos when we want to; it was really fun watching them interact with just teachers in there and not parents. Anyways, we all were all taking mindful bites of donuts, and getting ready for our part where we discuss different topics about our toddlers.

Then all of a sudden the lights turn off and a parent says she sees it’s code blue; There are quite a few parents who have older children. But then there is me going”What the hell is code blue?!?!” It was a lockdown test. I almost lost it. We just had tornado drills and fire drills. It’s one thing hearing about this is what we have to do not, to being there and experiencing it. And my two year old (well on Saturday 😫) is in the other room; I run to check and he is u phased playing with a puzzle alongside a little girl.

Then we got in a discussion about this and the teacher was telling us that if this were not a drill that we were able to do what we wanted with our kids (I.e break the window and run or whatever). All I wanted to do was break down and cry. This is terrifying. Parents were discussing how their kids come home scared and anxious after these drills.. well no fucking shit. I’m 32 years old sitting here like oh my fucking god this isn’t right, I wanted to mama bear it and grab my child and get the fuck out of there.

It’s rainy and definitely midwestern fall weather. I’m headed to Target after this to pick out an area rug for downstairs. I’m hesitant as I’m afraid Daisy will start pissin on this one.. she hasn’t peed since we put in the new floors but we’re going to have issues if she decides to start again on the area rug.