of god

i'm chaotic

dumbass

evil

nuetral

in love

i talk too fast and i'm never still

: things as colors sounds feelings memories

that afternoon was tangerine red bull and an empty dance floor

his lips were hello kitty bandadies and the feeing of lying in wet grass

she looked like the shittiest sun set you've ever seen; she laughed like an almost used up lighter fucking your nail up

my friends were a broken claw machine: stealing peoples money; full of useless soft things; bright and offensive; everywhere

i've never been happier than the moments like that afternoon

full of screaming and hope

full of home towns and 2000s pop

that memory will forever be upset stomachs and sticky fingers

(a hit of apple and a dash of laughter)

i may be chaotic- i may be a dumbass- i may be forever indebted to everyone i've ever fallen in love with

but i've got these friends and i've got these memories

these memories of dry lips and shaky hands

these memories i'll never let go of

because we're all just stupid fucking teens and it's one afternoon out of millions

and maybe that means it doesn't matter

but jesus fuck i think i love being alive if only for those afternoons

my best friend is the moon

she's got aqua marine hair and she laughs like the earliest french revolution. i've seen her through suicide attempts and anxiety attacks. she's never been anything more than the night sky after a storm

which isn't to say, she's less than you

but to say she's so much more than you could ever dream of being

she's secrets on the tips of fingers; diaries shoved under the mattress; chandileres in abondond buldings; she's the moon (crescent or full; absent or present)

(always there (always beautiful (all knowing)))

she's the only truth i've had in these last two years and i'm still not sure if i'm telling you lies

i've got these habits

like listening to the same artist for a well; until i know every word to every single one of their songs

but i can never temper titles or albums or which song featured who or which came first

i've got these habits

of making friends and falling in love

i can remover favorite colors but never birthdays i can remover their habits but never their last names

i've got these habits

i'm loud at all the wrong times. silent for hours while alone; i'm sharp in all the wrong places, not soft enough to be lovable; i'm soft at all the wrong times never strong enough to stop others

i've got this habit

everything i do is half hearted

walls painted half way beds half made

stories half told

i cant even find the will to finish this poem this thing

this meaningless jumble of words that serve no purpose other than to distract me from things i should be doing

this habit of never caring enough

this habit of leaving of quoting of never commuting this habit of loving all the wrong things at all the wrong times

thinking

my thoughts have become slow and muggy, clouded by an erie heaviness

sleep comes much faster than before

instead of hours awake thinking thinking thinking

i sleep in 12 hour gaps

(the gaps in my memory are growing)

it's hard to read the words mixing and the screen swaying

eating has become a hassle i never thought it would; it's not that i don't enjoy eating, it's that it takes too much effort

my school work is done in spratic movements at 3 am after waking up in a cold sweat or it's not done at all

this body is weak these limbs are heavy i'm just so tired

i just want to sleep

the first part - fear -

 we’ll call this part A1 never B  [spoken]

old fear, new fear, the fear from before that this is now nows fear

 we’ll call this part the first god, the god before the god of now

before fear became now and before we feared now

this is the god we see when we close our eyes

the god no one has faith it but everyone knows is watching

this is the god of burned buildings and rescue animals.

the god we see in intricate gardens and church murals

A god we fear for how much power it has; a god made by man but left to wander by its own lead

(all gods are man-made; though, this gives them no less power)

this is a god of waterfalls, a god of clouds and a god of falling

the god of death; the god we FEAR

for we are god fearing children of our parents and nothing more

we fear not our deaths, but what may cause them

we fear not our deaths, but what comes after

this is the god we hold in pockets on stormy nights

the god who sits tucked between conversations in the waiting room

our god our god we know it all too well you feel it now you know my words are true

my words born of fear the fear of not knowing the fear you may never know what i mean

this god sits in the pit of my chest just before my stomach

taking too much room for itself but i do not know how to pray it leaves

this god you have hidden in your hands

this god you’ve met on street corners and in unclean bathrooms

the god of 3am assignments and waking up the next morning without bags under our eyes

this is not the god of failure or disappointment, there is no god for anything of those likes because those are not god worthy

the god the first god the god we thought would be the only god

fear itself a ruler of times

new fear is just old fear turning over in bed

fear is a full-time job and everyone is employed (though no one gets paid)

[we fear fear because fear is the only thing we have yet to be afraid of]

dear,

love me

love me love me love me love me

love me love me

i wish you loved me the way i loved you

loved

my love

my one

have you ever seen love in person

it smells of rust and roses

love me love me love me

you are yet to know

but the begging and pulling in the pit of your soul

it is a call

to be loved

to be held

to be cherished

love me love me love me love me

i wish you loved me the way i love you

yours,

the shivers

i've got all these different things wrong with my brain

the tissues can't contain my energy and i can feel it itch it's way down to my toes

sometimes i have to shake my legs out to get the energy out- to stop the electrical buzz that makes my entire body quake

my thoughts travel to fast for me to catch them

these words that fly past my eyelids and down my throat: force fed by my own hand

i've choked on my tongue enough times to know the taste of regret

my hands move without consent wrapping into shirtsleeves of strangers over finding comfort in my sides

my hands rythmacly slap slap slap each other my arms bending unnaturally behind me to draw an invisible circle around me

i'm told to stop i'm told someone might think something's wrong

maybe something is wrong

maybe i was asked if i have asbergers syndrome three times in one week and that night i had a panic attack

but that's nothin special: this panic in my stomach that tells me i'm dying every time i have to shake the energy out of me

this panic that causes my breath to stop and my lungs to cave everytime the things in my room are rearanged

this panic that makes me take glances at every person within my sight

this panic that forces lies from my lips before i can consider the truth

this panic that keeps an earbud in at all times, because if i can focus on the music while i focause on the conversation enough of my brain is being used

or else i might do something to make you think something's wrong

and we wouldn't want that

dear,

have you see the stars?

i can not seem to find them

i won't look to the sky, for fear they still aren't there

oh, won't you find the stars for me?

i hear the end is soon upon us, and i can not imagine an end without the stars

who will tell our story? (if not the stars)

do you miss the stars the way i do?

i doubt it though i can not answer for you.

tell me, did you steal the stars?

(did you know it would bring an end to ends?)

- yours endlessly,

the shivers

dear,

i met the galaxy today, she whispered secrets down my spine every time i smiled. the way her fingers felt in my hair, oh, it was heavens sin. i swear. she made me promise not to tell, but i kept my fingers crossed. (she never knew better)

her lips tasted like rain, and her breath was cold. the stars on her skin winked when she turned her back; the way her bones seemed to mover beneath we her skin was mesmerizing. her hands were soft, but her lips were rough (rough the way thunder moves through clouds)

i met the galaxy today, she wore no clothes. bare skin blinding in dark shades of red and blue. i couldn't count the puddles in her eyes, but not a wrinkle dotted her skin. she's held me close and told me her story; though, i can remember none of it.

i miss the comfort of her arms; i felt so safe. her hair was endless black, and it took my breath away. her shoulder now holds my screams; my tears are forever rolling across her collar bones; she knows all my secrets.

i met the galaxy today, and she told me one thing, a thing i will never forget:

"just wait my dear, the world is still yet to bloom."

- yours endlessly,

the shivers