I remember how we would take our boots off in our tents because the mud would track inside . I remember the way erets lips would move when he asked me to fix his uniform buttons . I remember how many bandages would be wasted from niki pricking herself with needles while repairing our clothes , because tommy would make her laugh . I remember how fundy would go out to watch the stars when he thought that no one would notice him gone , and I remember how his feet sounded against the grass when he walked back in the early hours of the morning before he thought any of us were awake . I remember how jack would sing off-tune to the march songs we made , and we would have to start over because he would make us laugh . I remember trying on our uniforms for the first time , how tommy and tobys were far too large , and how niki forgot to sew the buttons onto fundys . I remember how eret let me see her eyes , and how they looked like the moon we were sitting under .
I remember hating eret . I remember how techno looked at me when he saw my spiral . I remember quackity looking at me in an odd way every time I mentioned plan b . I remember how I watched schlatt stand on the presidential podium with quackity trailing after him like he had nothing better to do . I remember how quackity looked in the darkness of the ravine . I remember how schlatt stomped his hooves and quackitys wings flared when they screamed at eachother . I remember how tired toby looked . I remember how tommy would get homesick and listen to old recordings of phils voice , and I would get sick just hearing his name . I remember the way the cigarette smoke would make the ceilings and walls of the ravine turn black , and how tommy would scowl every time he saw me lighting another one .
I remember how phil looked when he saw me , like he didnt think it was his son at all . I remember how his sword felt going through my stomach , how I felt my stomach acid eating away at myself like rot . I remember how his wings darkened at the tips when I was dying , kristins blessing fading because how could you kill your own kin with no hesitation just because he told you do . I remember how cold it was and how my shoulder got wet from phils tears .
I remember how the concrete felt against my skin , burning against already raw skin . I remember the announcers voice , as pleasant and neutral as every day , as every hour , alerting no one to an oncoming train . I remember learning that I couldnt kill myself again . I remember following the train tracks until I figured out that they dont lead anywhere . I remember watching the shadows of people in the trains on the wall like platos allegory for the cave , freedom sounding like a distant beast that couldnt be real. I remember how my voice sounded when I screamed myself hoarse , how my throat became raw and how my blood looked splattered against the concrete . I remember how the train wheels screeched when they came to a halt in front of me .
I remember how the grass felt against my skin , damp from a rainfall that I never experienced . I remember how the sunrise burned against my face and made my eyes ache but I didnt look away . I remember the way tommys face looked , older and tired and scared ; he didn't know if he should treat me like ghostbur or like his brother . I remember how quackity smiled when he saw me , and how his face turned into a scowl through the conversation , bitterness still rotting away at his open , too-big heart. I remember how phil would stare at me oddly when I went over to visit , how his fingers would fidget and he would look away when he even got the slightest thought that I might do it again .
I dont remember nikis smile , she doesnt seem to smile as much anymore . I dont remember how quackitys face looked before the scar , he always hid his face by tilting his head down . I dont remember how jacks skin felt before it became all metal , just as cold and unfeeling as the rest of us became . I dont remember our marching songs completely anymore . I dont remember how tommys face looked before I left him , but I remember the sound of the waves hitting the sides of my boat .
