Journey Into Despair

The drug is just so insidious. It leaves you I'm peace for such a long time and then when you find the peace that sobriety offers you, you find yourself wrapped up in the darkness all over again. No matter how well things are going for you it is like you just fall right into the trap. Fuck.

I never thought that sobriety could mean having little to no sleep on a regular basis but let me testify that trauma can provide insomnia too. I take pills that the doctor gave me just to fall asleep and then wake up at some point pissed off that I had to sleep in the first place. I have this routine every single day. I wake up angry at everyone for shit I know nothing about, wash my face, have a cigarette, sit in my truck for an hour just trying to understand why all of this madness has to be in my life, then I prepare for work and usually leave pissed due to my having to rush out of the door again and again and again and again. I get off and everything is closed because it is late so I drive home, sit in my truck for another hour in the freezing cold just to have a few moments of silence after a day full of chaotic bullshit and asshole customers. Then I manage to go inside, shower, maybe get laid and then medicate myself back to sleep which is just fucking horrific every single time. I get trapped all over again. Unable to breathe. Unable to think. Unable to get away from the harsh realities of shit that fucks me up inside. Alarm goes off and I manage to repeat. Sometimes the only thing that changes seems to be the fucking intensity of suckage... Yeah I made up a word for it. So.... Why do I continue to live this way and why do I choose to do it all without meth??? Hmmm. Im fucking crazy I suppose. I think that everything would be fixed if I could just get high and stay high. I would be separated from the pain and better able to enjoy life without the overwhelming loss leeched onto me constantly. It never ends really. The loss never ends. The sadness wont end. Yet when I am high I don't have the ability to feel any of it. By remaining sober I can almost relate to someone who has lost a limb and refuses to take a trip to the hospital.... Refuses the pain medication. Ugh. Perhaps I am just a drug addict and I enjoy finding all of the ways in which to justify the fact that I enjoy getting high.... Until I don't enjoy it anymore. I keep thinking back on shit. I really liked the high and the parties. I loved the attention and the money I made. I enjoyed the never having to slow down and never needing to rest. But I hated the person I became and I never really escaped the pain that had me running all along. It was there with me the entire time. These days.... Every time I sleep I am reminded of that pain which never seems to leave me alone. So basically.... Getting high will ultimately waste my time and will accomplish nothing at all. There are some things that no amount of drugs will ever fix, mend, erase or change. I just hope that anyone who reads this post can relate and that you will be reminded of how drugs seem so amazing but will only damage you further. I love you son. 12-15-2017. Always.

Corona used to just be beer.... https://www.instagram.com/p/CH66tSjpT5_ZSJ9vSm0YrwCM2y5LsELINQMn5g0/?igshid=1i6m4ivbnsvgr

I am always surprised whenever I manage to do something right. I kinda expect things to turn to shit most of the time. I feel humbled by my most recent and current journey. I have a new appreciation for good days and for working hard. I enjoy life more than I had been able to before. I appreciate the people who love me when I do fuck it all up. I find comfort in in knowing that it will all be okay.