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Getting ghosted / rejected without further context has been tougher than expected but I am finally shaking it off and dealing better. It’s starting to hurt and be less of shock. Had more perspective that this is better up front than seeing this towards the end.

I had someone who’s been quite interesting but our time just never align, reach out. AE came over last night and we had drinks, chatted, played some game and that was all. Maybe we will side quest again. I would not mind.

I work with someone who I dated before and she is very upset that we didn’t work out / I stopped persuing. I have to be delicate here since we are coworkers. I met her long before having this job and it’s interesting we end up working for the same company now. She is great, but she can be a little overly intense when she is not her sweet self which is off putting for me.

I expected to hear from AR after our day, but she has been really calm and reserved for now. We will see.

I clearly had more to say than I thought.

I do know I am on dating app and it is tough. I keep getting matches and likes, which are good for my ego and feeling wanted. The issue is I feel the opposite of how I felt in my past. It’s almost like now, transitioning from off the app to in person, I have more people losing interest or rejecting me there. Like we start really good, we may kiss, have good date, and it just fail to launch or grow.

Not sure if it’s because we are older, more developed idk I just remember with SM and KP it was great and went into a relationship not these rejections, lack of interest, etc.

I feel broken and unwanted and maybe my conversation or energy gives that off. Or maybe it’s the lack of vision and direction in my life at 33. With so many aspects unclear, maybe I need to put that I am not looking for a relationship and instead something short or I’m figuring things out.

Maybe it’s nuts at this age to want to date, talk, and just keep it at that level and not have a home, credit perfect, etc. or some type of life for a woman to just walk into and join. Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s why I got ghosted. My lifestyle isn’t appealing or something someone wants to truly associate with. It’s missing the gym, it’s missing hobbies, my free time is filled with social activities and drinking, nothing of purpose or value.

Either way we’re here because idk I’m 33 and I feel completely lost. I have a great job, I am making great money, six figures, just closed a quarterly bonus of 5.3K! If I keep performing well I can potentially see bonuses that size every quarter which is amazing.

Everything else in my life is just pieces. My love life are collections of failures and missteps that I don’t understand. I just met someone on Hinge recently, we vibed, all was good, had sex first night things seemed fine. Next day communication was iffy, but the following day I went out and I said some playful things about her communication, chatted with my normal wit, sarcasm, and banter and basically was told I don’t think this is going to work and she wish me the best.

This also happened with someone I liked a lot flew down to Orlando to see, also from Hinge, and we went out and things just got weird at points in conversation and was told no romantic connection there either. These are new experiences with rejection I am facing this year.

On top of that I have legal cases and fees to pay, car note to pay, and have to get my car fixed. So big financial payments, little to no savings STILL. Dating and going out to drink often is really costing me from getting ahead, but sitting inside feels so lonely and like I’m not doing something or enough. My friends are all in their lives, which I get, some married, some still figuring it out. I feel like none of my priorities are in order.

I have terrible credit, also still. And I have not made any significant move to improve critical areas in my life outside of work and mainly because it takes massive effort to do. I don’t know if I want a relationship, love, sex, a cure of the aloneness I feel sometimes, I truly do not know. Something is missing, I am confused, I am empty and unfulfilled some days, most days.

I feel like I lost who I am often and I am a former shell of myself sometimes. Idk how to get back to me, hopefully I’ll keep dumping these thoughts here and get somewhere at some point. It did feel good just to type exactly what I think.

Idk why. I want to be with her.

She got defensive, gaslit me, and basically tried to twist everything I said.

Her answer for not telling me she was pulling up on the 23rd was she didn’t want to hurt me or start an argument.

She said things were grey so she technically didn’t do anything wrong.

Feb 16 - last text, when she said she has no expectations

May 19 - first contact/apology via cruise

They effectively broke it off.

It hurts. I thought they were my final stop and it’s hard dealing with the rejection.

I want them back, but can’t make someone like you, love you, see you.

I’m doing dry January and it’s going well. I shouldn’t be ending my situation without alcohol though bc boy do I need a distraction.

We ended day before Christmas. Day before NYE she asked to be FWB or really just one last time.

It’s not going to work bc I know she’s entertaining her ex again. They were together before Christmas Eve and she brought in the New Year with him as well. And he sent her roses to her home.

Although the sex is great. I have to be an adult and make a real hard choice to walk away from the situation and let her move on with her decision.

It pains me to not be chosen, or to be the rebound in this situation, but she has a pattern of this behavior and I just gotta take my L and don’t look back. It was a lesson. I’ve learned a lot and grew in a few ways that I have to be thankful for.

Broken up with on Christmas.

We had a bad argument, that stemmed from me not leaving her alone after she asked.

We talked about her and her ex. She said she could still be cool with him. And in her phone she did message him setting a boundary about not bringing up reconciliation because that has sailed. However I saw she had called him and talked for an hour and he invited her to a holiday party and she said she may show up.

I feel like this is something she should’ve shared with me and I haven’t been told anything.

She also lied about the timeline of dealing with someone. Weeks before she met me she was actually intimate with someone. And apparently they had history, but this time was just fwb. He was actually married and she found out and it ended a few weeks before we met. However when I asked who she dealt with before me she claims for months she was alone dealing with no one. And when I asked her specifically about that person, she lied as well.

Finally, she told me there’s someone she works with who they messed around years ago. She says they are friends and he does get her a lot of gigs for her business and sends money her way. So she wants to keep the friendship. She asked me how I felt and I said, as long as it is platonic it’s fine. Well, although on her end it is he does text “I love you”, I miss you, and call her babe. She doesn’t reciprocate at all and will stop texting when he says stuff like that to her credit. She also talks to him when I’m not around AND she will go out to dinner with him after work if she and I are beefing typically.

We’ve been dating going on 6 months. She’s not sleeping with anyone from what I see.

I just wonder why she doesn’t want to tell me these things or having these inappropriate dealings. I am not her typical type by age or look, and I think that may be stirring something up in me and maybe I’m a placeholder/experiment for her.

Idk if she has feelings for her ex, and hoping she can get over him, our situation did move fast (although everything I get in moves fast) — is there something here? Do I let this go? Are these not relationship breaking?

I write this hoping I never have to send or use these words. However, each day and time it seems imminent.

I am not perfect. No Saint by far. But to invest all this time and effort, for no gains in trust. Dating you really feels like I’m a placeholder especially how much you pick me up and drop me when upset. Or how a relationship and all these permanent things get dangled in my face and snatched away when I don’t behave a certain way.

You have been a toxic partner and further contorted my mental, all while masquerading as someone who understood what that feels like. You swore your ex and others have done the same, but I guess now it’s your turn to do it before it’s done to you.

I have made permanent sacrifices that you reneged and decided to show your hand at how much control you need to have over every thing and situation.

A part that hurts most is the lying. And the fact that even you in part seem to believe these lies. You have looked me in the eye and lied. You have looked me in my eye and told me don’t worry about things and it’s just a farce.

I have actual proof. But I showed grace and mercy out of respect of the bigger picture.

Your situation with the “married man” was before me. July 3rd, he was 7 minutes from your home after you asked to be kissed. July 4th, you asked for a Round 2. July 6th outside, and you’re asking again for more. Then you find out he’s married and do your best to keep lines clear, but looks like you slip and continue chit chat, and even asked him to come over you house while we were dating and probably beefing. Again although no moves were made all of this is inappropriate and just sad.

Then the Kenneth guy who you ignore when I’m around, but at Suite yall talk, when I’m not around y’all chat on the phone, and he showers you with love, text, and praise all day. When I make a mistake you find your way to 2 Urban Licks in December. Saying “love you too” in November is weird especially knowing this persons intentions.

There are a lot of weird, unsettling, inappropriate, and unnecessary control of narratives happening here.

I am going to take your statement at Harold’s as good faith that you recognize some of your ways must change or you will fumble something real. I hope this lives as an entry and never becomes the nail to our coffin.

But — doesn’t seem like she’s interested often. Interest seems very one-sided.

She just had an event. Haven’t talked or text much all day. She talked about her event, what happened, ask if I was coming over, I said no.

Didn’t ask where I was going, what I did all day, how I am feeling about life, what costume I chose, nothing.

Just proceeded to say have a good night and she’ll talk to me tomorrow.

Said she needs this to work.

I said I hope that I’m here on my merit alone and not because I was chosen and because you don’t have anymore failed relationships in you.

She said that was negative.

Said why did I ruin the moment.

Now she wanted to close off and just go to sleep.

Something about that is not right. It feels so push and pull and abusive.

This a text from tonight Smh

I love you.

I can be accountable for misspeaking. I didn’t mean to turn you off to this degree.

But, I’ve watched my alcohol tonight. Patiently waited for you earlier without prying.

Had an amazing night with you.

And I said something that turned you off. True.

I deserve that being brought to my attention. And correction. But I don’t deserve a silent treatment or this total disconnect. I’ve been my best and showed you how much I was about you.

I apologized for hurting your feelings.

I’ve stepped up as a man in all the ways.

I am not perfect. I never will be. But I’m real and genuine with my love.

I do expect someone that loves me. Says they want me to move in. Have children together. To be more forgiving and open to my flaws.

This situation with LiteBrite is a roller coaster for sure.

Sidebar: things are 100% over and soured between myself and SM. After this run in at the mall, taking my phones, accusations, and putting her hands on me again. I have to leave her where she is.

The sad part is she doesn’t see or take accountability for anything. She literally apologized in text for her mistakes, then in person wants to berate and accuse me of having “supply”. I never slept with anyone during the time we dated. When I asked for a break, by happenstance I met LiteBrite. I do have to be accountable bc during the break she kept asking for us to not date or have sex with other people, although I disagreed, I didn’t make it clear that something was on my radar and I would be exploring that option in a timely fashion.

But a reason why is because — now look at this. Again, she and I are on the outs and having this up and down cycle I’ve never experienced before in my life.

I literally sent her a text detailing how I felt about her sounding dry on the phone. I wasn’t mean or critical, very to the point.

And that turns into a whole beef AND “I’m not doing this tonight”

Doing what!?

It’s just hard to get feedback, and say…”okay baby thanks for sharing” or “I’ll sit on this”. I wasn’t pressing any issues or trying to have a conversation about it. But for some reason it never can just be calm, every time I bring up something negative it’s a big issue.

I praise this woman, she just did a romantic paint night, wrote a nice card, said I was her peace, I was her forever, she loves me blah blah blah and the second I give one not so positive feedback it all crumbles down.

It’s a vicious and unhealthy cycle for sure.

That was Sunday night. And we haven’t talked since. I guess this is goodbye. I can’t continue to be disrespected or regress back to this toxic situation.

If she cared about me or meant anything she said — she wouldn’t let this much time and space go by. She wouldn’t have ignored and disregarded my feelings so much.

So yesterday, there was a disconnect there. She clearly was unhappy and can get really closed off and distant. We talked but it was dry.

I communicated how I felt and she told me she was sorry I felt that way. And continued to dismiss and not engage any further.

I think now is a good time to be firm in not accepting that treatment.

She called to get her makeup bag, we met, she got the bag, and we didn’t even talk, hug, nothing she got it and dipped.

I’m worthy of better treatment than that. She is dismissive, a gaslighter, a stonewaller, and unable to communicate well when things do not go her way. It’s unfortunate bc she’s beautiful and so great at other things, but I can’t deal with that shit emotionally. The worse part is she doesn’t seem to want to adjust or address those things, no accountability.

I want something healthy, consistent, loving whether things are good or bad and she is not providing me that level of peace.

The way she operates is very toxic, she doesn’t have the space to see anything outside her own needs, and doesn’t have space for me.

I just had an amazing weekend with Litebright — kinda. No arguing, just good time. The only disconnect is conversation. Now one morning some good discussion was sparked after watching a video. Other than that it’s just surface stuff, physical, and sleep which isn’t super fulfilling.

SM and I seem to be done done. She isn’t happy with communication and idk what can be done right now. LiteBrite is coming every weekend and even some weeknights we sleep together sooooo…..it’s tough to maintain.

LiteBrite seems to be ready for some serious stage in life, but idk what our compatibility looks like financially, friend and family overlap, and communication. I have my own plans and goals but idk if my timeline will coincide with hers. I have a nice income but my savings and home ownership won’t reach the point I want it to be at for another 1-2 years.

Then there’s D. D is similar in age, an attorney, no kids, another homeowner and high earner which is nice. We had a great time together but her communication is super trash. Getting a text back almost impossible. She’s cool though when we talk here and there. In a perfect world I can lock in here, but doesn’t seem like she has the time or space. I was transparent and said hey if you too busy that’s fine, she actually didn’t take the out, apologized and been open that right now she’s in deep demand. It’s an ebb and flow she says.

This weekend she’ll be out of town, so maybe next weekend I’ll just send her a date and time and hopefully we can connect some dots here. Fingers crossed .

My plate is full haha

What’s funny is before this weekend, like Tuesday and Wednesday I thought all of this was over. It felt like no one was interested I had messed up big in all departments. I said what I said to everyone, even had a depression day with AV. All for everything to work out…quite favorable.

In therapy I did some inner child work and my subconscious gave me: Be patient, be firm, it’s okay to let go, it’s okay to cry (still not crying tho), and “make a way it’s okay” (this so corny idk where this one going).

I see in my life I definitely need to be more patient. I can get in my feelings really hard, create narratives I want to avoid, and then use drinking or being out to block out that negativity (and I’m starting to see I may deal with anxiety really bad). But by coping with alcohol or extroversion I typically make really bad mistakes in either what I say or how much I spend. I need to get a hold of that and understand how to let go of situations momentarily, not take everything to heart so much, and give things time. I want immediate resolution and gratification too often.