#journalwithpapi

Getting ghosted / rejected without further context has been tougher than expected but I am finally shaking it off and dealing better. It’s starting to hurt and be less of shock. Had more perspective that this is better up front than seeing this towards the end.

I had someone who’s been quite interesting but our time just never align, reach out. AE came over last night and we had drinks, chatted, played some game and that was all. Maybe we will side quest again. I would not mind.

I work with someone who I dated before and she is very upset that we didn’t work out / I stopped persuing. I have to be delicate here since we are coworkers. I met her long before having this job and it’s interesting we end up working for the same company now. She is great, but she can be a little overly intense when she is not her sweet self which is off putting for me.

I expected to hear from AR after our day, but she has been really calm and reserved for now. We will see.

I clearly had more to say than I thought.

I do know I am on dating app and it is tough. I keep getting matches and likes, which are good for my ego and feeling wanted. The issue is I feel the opposite of how I felt in my past. It’s almost like now, transitioning from off the app to in person, I have more people losing interest or rejecting me there. Like we start really good, we may kiss, have good date, and it just fail to launch or grow.

Not sure if it’s because we are older, more developed idk I just remember with SM and KP it was great and went into a relationship not these rejections, lack of interest, etc.

I feel broken and unwanted and maybe my conversation or energy gives that off. Or maybe it’s the lack of vision and direction in my life at 33. With so many aspects unclear, maybe I need to put that I am not looking for a relationship and instead something short or I’m figuring things out.

Maybe it’s nuts at this age to want to date, talk, and just keep it at that level and not have a home, credit perfect, etc. or some type of life for a woman to just walk into and join. Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s why I got ghosted. My lifestyle isn’t appealing or something someone wants to truly associate with. It’s missing the gym, it’s missing hobbies, my free time is filled with social activities and drinking, nothing of purpose or value.

Either way we’re here because idk I’m 33 and I feel completely lost. I have a great job, I am making great money, six figures, just closed a quarterly bonus of 5.3K! If I keep performing well I can potentially see bonuses that size every quarter which is amazing.

Everything else in my life is just pieces. My love life are collections of failures and missteps that I don’t understand. I just met someone on Hinge recently, we vibed, all was good, had sex first night things seemed fine. Next day communication was iffy, but the following day I went out and I said some playful things about her communication, chatted with my normal wit, sarcasm, and banter and basically was told I don’t think this is going to work and she wish me the best.

This also happened with someone I liked a lot flew down to Orlando to see, also from Hinge, and we went out and things just got weird at points in conversation and was told no romantic connection there either. These are new experiences with rejection I am facing this year.

On top of that I have legal cases and fees to pay, car note to pay, and have to get my car fixed. So big financial payments, little to no savings STILL. Dating and going out to drink often is really costing me from getting ahead, but sitting inside feels so lonely and like I’m not doing something or enough. My friends are all in their lives, which I get, some married, some still figuring it out. I feel like none of my priorities are in order.

I have terrible credit, also still. And I have not made any significant move to improve critical areas in my life outside of work and mainly because it takes massive effort to do. I don’t know if I want a relationship, love, sex, a cure of the aloneness I feel sometimes, I truly do not know. Something is missing, I am confused, I am empty and unfulfilled some days, most days.

I feel like I lost who I am often and I am a former shell of myself sometimes. Idk how to get back to me, hopefully I’ll keep dumping these thoughts here and get somewhere at some point. It did feel good just to type exactly what I think.

Idk why. I want to be with her.

She got defensive, gaslit me, and basically tried to twist everything I said.

Her answer for not telling me she was pulling up on the 23rd was she didn’t want to hurt me or start an argument.

She said things were grey so she technically didn’t do anything wrong.

I’m doing dry January and it’s going well. I shouldn’t be ending my situation without alcohol though bc boy do I need a distraction.

We ended day before Christmas. Day before NYE she asked to be FWB or really just one last time.

It’s not going to work bc I know she’s entertaining her ex again. They were together before Christmas Eve and she brought in the New Year with him as well. And he sent her roses to her home.

Although the sex is great. I have to be an adult and make a real hard choice to walk away from the situation and let her move on with her decision.

It pains me to not be chosen, or to be the rebound in this situation, but she has a pattern of this behavior and I just gotta take my L and don’t look back. It was a lesson. I’ve learned a lot and grew in a few ways that I have to be thankful for.

Broken up with on Christmas.

We had a bad argument, that stemmed from me not leaving her alone after she asked.

I write this hoping I never have to send or use these words. However, each day and time it seems imminent.

I am not perfect. No Saint by far. But to invest all this time and effort, for no gains in trust. Dating you really feels like I’m a placeholder especially how much you pick me up and drop me when upset. Or how a relationship and all these permanent things get dangled in my face and snatched away when I don’t behave a certain way.

You have been a toxic partner and further contorted my mental, all while masquerading as someone who understood what that feels like. You swore your ex and others have done the same, but I guess now it’s your turn to do it before it’s done to you.

I have made permanent sacrifices that you reneged and decided to show your hand at how much control you need to have over every thing and situation.

A part that hurts most is the lying. And the fact that even you in part seem to believe these lies. You have looked me in the eye and lied. You have looked me in my eye and told me don’t worry about things and it’s just a farce.

I have actual proof. But I showed grace and mercy out of respect of the bigger picture.

Your situation with the “married man” was before me. July 3rd, he was 7 minutes from your home after you asked to be kissed. July 4th, you asked for a Round 2. July 6th outside, and you’re asking again for more. Then you find out he’s married and do your best to keep lines clear, but looks like you slip and continue chit chat, and even asked him to come over you house while we were dating and probably beefing. Again although no moves were made all of this is inappropriate and just sad.

Then the Kenneth guy who you ignore when I’m around, but at Suite yall talk, when I’m not around y’all chat on the phone, and he showers you with love, text, and praise all day. When I make a mistake you find your way to 2 Urban Licks in December. Saying “love you too” in November is weird especially knowing this persons intentions.

There are a lot of weird, unsettling, inappropriate, and unnecessary control of narratives happening here.

I am going to take your statement at Harold’s as good faith that you recognize some of your ways must change or you will fumble something real. I hope this lives as an entry and never becomes the nail to our coffin.