🫧J📀rdiian🫧

Guys - we made it to mid-July. Wow. Everything is now just blamed on Cern. Can't feel good this week? Cern. Delayed reactions? Cern. Lack of interest in people/places you kind of fucked with - Cern. Your astrological sign? Cern. Your personality? Cern. Ok - I turn it off now.

Anyway. Many moons ago, I went on a rant about my personal struggle with eating and relationship with food etc, in relation to the netizen discourse around a certain celeb. Since then, I've been locked in on my studies and also trying to finally get my driver's license *** yay *** (I'm 27 this December okay so INSHALLAH early birthday present). I am doing well, thank you for not asking because honestly "how are you?" is so South African in daily life and also - such a loaded question. Just accept it and say Cern made me do it. It's not to say that I totally negate the possibility that experiments with particle/matter - used loosely even - has no effect at all on our daily life - it's just that I'm yet to see a compilation of direct evidence so I can affirm "yeah it was probably that". I mean, I still think about all the space junk we currently have orbiting Earth and roaming around space; even though we sent out signals into the great unknown hoping for contact with the higher intelligence 👽

I wanted to show you some really cool images of nebulae and cosmic matter from the JWST that I came across while wondering --- hmm, I wonder what James is up to.... below JADES-GS-z14-0 was previously identified as one of the most distant galaxies captured. Alongside this, some really "clear" images of Neptune's rings, supermassive blackholes, a couple exo-planet breakthroughs, and mysterious red dots...we truly know next to nothing that's 100% accurate to our understanding of early cosmology in our universe. It's still nice to hear it being pointed out though.

Here, have a looky: https://www.flickr.com/photos/50785054@N03/

There is also this exhibition, which I wish I could see in=person but unfortunately I dwell in the lower half of the hemisphere. The renaissance's exploration of Tarot history at the Morgan in NY: https://www.themorgan.org/exhibitions/tarot

A few years ago, I curated an online group show with modern takes on tarot major arcana; of course, briefed the artists and ended up with a stunning selection and interesting African-contemporary twist on the ancient tarot. It is fascinating, with the growing age of new spirituality - or old ways as some may interpret it - how remnants of the occult find their place in this century and what people actually take from the multitude of sects and denominations. The role of symbolism/pictorials is a massive attraction to those who are tired in a sense collectively exhausted from the digital renaissance - to the point where we genuinely need to preserve the mystery of life and its spiritual folklore if you will.

The "lesson" if you will - that I want to take away from not encouraging psychosis is that you don't need to fully believe in something to see the value of it. Not in business alone, but in life and hopefully in the spirit of cultivating a life that is more open-minded. It is easier to remain within the comfort of what you know to be true, for yourself and lived experience - but it is a far greater pleasure and blessing to commit to remaining open about the possibilities around you. Even if you doubt its very existence.

Stay Open 🌄

xxx

We are only seven full moons deep into 2026 and so much seems to be changing - yeah I'm talking about climate change which was really expected but when increased disasters occur, it still hits dude...

This week I set out intentions to focus only on what makes me feel fulfilled and being a bit more selfish with my time, space, and energy. Sometimes it is hard to be selfish, especially if you understand what its like operating on empath OS, but I always find my inner voice reminding me that its ok to be selfish - and that its not a BIG ASK of myself or others either. There is only so much I can lend a listening ear or try to make space for others' issues - even though these are people I care about. No one talks enough about the empath guilt that goes alone with saying 'no' with a capital 'N' - and standing on business 🤣😅 ugh. But yes - It was always my intention to make different decisions; not for myself, but for my generation and my future generation. In doing so, I'm not really forgetting myself - I think there's something comforting in choosing to live and enjoy life in a way that is not solely for your own immediate needs.

Off-topic but relevant to myself; the Ariana Grande discourse was doing the rounds for a few weeks now on socials/ more so with her fans, and others, divided over her appearance and concerns about her health. Parasocial relationships make people so bold honestly but people who carry much influence or are particularly more seen than others do play a societal role to the degree we give them. I myself felt concerned because this reminded me of literally last year when I worked myself so much - because of trying to survive solo in another city that was facing European settlers 2.0 and crippling rental prices - That I too faced issues with eating and food. At the time, I didn't really see how much my body was affected - it was as if there was a really convincing veil /illusion over me that I couldn't even see myself clearly. It was only when I visited my sister in Mauritius that it was pointed out to me - that I was not looking good or in possibly mentally-well shape. And to be honest now - I really wasn't. Looking back on photos from last year, I'd lost a lot of weight but those around me didn't know me well enough I guess to have that conversation with me. I wonder now - how could I not see it?? I am glad however that my sister and brother-in-law (a qualified medical professional) sat me down and had that conversation with me. At first, I felt a bit offended and defensive. But soon it sank in that I didn't actually see the truth and that I too - had a blind spot. No matter what you go through, you'll always have a blind spot and that's why it's important to have people around you who care about you in ways that aren't beneficial to them. If I didn't leave everything behind to start over - I would have continued on the same path and probably gotten worse. Heck; I don't think I would still be alive (psychologically). It's also not fair to say that people didn't ask me if I were okay - they did - but I never saw it for myself so I convinced others around me I was fine. I was around 45kg's. Now - I'm happier at 51kgs. My relationship with food and my body has definitely improved in my opinion; with more intentional eating, less guilt, and not holding myself back unnecessarily or punishing myself for not doing something. These are tricky mental conditions that can be so volatile but I understand what it feels like to feel "complicated" towards food or the act of consuming. I am much better now 🧍🏽‍♀️🙏🏽👹 I can only wish that people who are struggling with feeling normal again or who have already left their body mentally - can come across the right people to pull them out.

'EYOP'-maxxing or 'enjoying your own presence' is something I've always been attuned to but this year it is something I am finding more time for. As someone who loves spending alone-time, I truly appreciate being present without the influence of others. While I've been preoccupied with writing here and there towards my research book/memoir, I've also been reflecting on the meaning of deep time and its place in my own life.

There's a piece of ochre from Blombos Cave dating to about 75,000 years old- with crosshatch markings carved into its face. Someone sat there - alone, presumably in the dark and made a mark that meant something beyond the mark itself. Not for an audience or for anyone who'd come later and call it the birth of symbolic thought. They just needed to make it. That's the whole story. A person, alone, deciding they existed enough to leave a trace. I think about this a lot when I sit in a coffee shop with no one to perform for or go out for a movie when there's no one to narrate the moment to in real time. There's a particular kind of presence that only shows up when you stop needing a witness and when the only person checking if you're having a good time is the person having it.

I wrote, in an old essay, about drawing a diagram of myself: three names, three selves, all orbiting some governing Ithat can't fully account for any of them. I think that's still true. But what's changed is that I'm less interested in resolving the diagram and more interested in just sitting inside it. Taking the fractured self out for lunch. Letting her order what she wants and just trying to exist without absorbing the energy or stress of others.

I've had this thought pop up in my head often this week and I can't help but wonder if it spells an omen for June. I kind of stopped anticipating the worst for the immediate future - in an effort to make a more conscious effort of learning to hope for the best and not necessarily pre-write the story ahead of itself. One has to give life a chance to perform itself... yk? May was beautiful and yet chaotic at the same time. I learnt a lot about myself in the last 5 months and the journey feels like its been unpredictable - obvious for reasons that I haven't lived this chapter of my life yet but I also feel strangely more positive this year than before. My driving lessons are going well and my studies have been steady. My focus on writing as part of my life-long commitment to creative practice is making headway and I'm actually finding time to 'figure myself out' so as to speak plainly.

Back to the ominous 'better the devil you know than the devil you don't' - I thought about this in terms of relationships, forgiveness, and why people tend to look back on past partners and kinda want to spend more time with their ex than try out another talking stage from scratch. I questioned myself - because it is interesting and makes me think about the comfort of familiarity and the fact that going back to the same person can indicate a safe space for rest and the part where we skip all the basics of talking stages and just re-invest in the same person, for which we risk the same outcome. Is it the appeal of safety that brings one back to their ex or is it the comfort of toxicity? Perhaps even the power of a feeling or moment felt in one relationship that never showed up in the ones that followed it? Although I've taken myself voluntarily off the market, temporarily, I am still intrigued by the reasons behind why people behave and act the way they do in relationships but once that safety net goes away, they then seek out safety in other aspects or people and attempt to recreate what simply cannot be recreated. I also found out a few months ago that my own relationship attachment style is a fearful avoidant. I did not know immediately what to do with this finding but I thought I'd sit with it and try to not act too hasty or draw quick conclusions whenever I felt a bit too close to intense emotions. When do you feel like running the most? And why do we always - always - hurt the people we love the most? Whether this be through things we say or what we don't do or say to someone else - the effect of our words and actions can change the trajectory of our relationship circle.

Exes can be vices too and it is difficult to reduce a person to a bad or a good person - that's just nonsensical and of course narrow sighted. I spend a lot of my time on my own these days and I'm quite comfortable that way. I've reached a point where I'm content with the flow of my 'single-ness' because it is currently the most peaceful and nurturing time of my days thus far and I cannot imagine inviting someone else into my life - unless it is to add some value in the form of genuine happiness, connection, and effort. It's easy to feel left out in this big world but we need to remember that we also still have ourselves to work on and strive to be better. Your relationship to yourself is by far the most important one you could ever invest in and it is not preached about enough I feel. So many issues and heartbreaks could be resolved amicably or avoided entirely if people just chose to work on themselves first. Over time, one thing that has helped me to understand and allow myself to forgive others is that we cannot expect too much from someone who is not capable of giving to us in a way that they do not know or understand themselves fully. And if you recognise that in someone you love, it is only right for you to communicate that and come to terms with the fact that in some cases - others need time - and thats the best thing you can do for them.

I still have moments where I blur the lines between villainising people because they can't see their own errors yet and wanting them to be closer to me in the way that we were before. It's also a challenging boundary to draw with yourself especially when you don't want to end up self-sabotaging because of your own mind. I always just reach for a cup of coffee instead, grab some street food/snacks, and go for a walk.

This month has been filled with things I thought would never cross my path again or thoughts that I felt like I ALREADY THOUGHT enough about. Alas - but life happens and who am I to anticipate the flow of events? That is the kind of mindset that's been getting me through the last 2 weeks. To speak plainly, I often rationalise my emotions and try to bring conclusions to feelings much quicker than I actually carry them and then I forget that they're still there. But sometimes I think, this too serves a purpose because resisting the stronger feelings of old love or past passions is worse than just accepting them and letting them stay for a little longer. 🦉

This month, I made a lot more progress with my formal writing and gained a better perspective on what direction I'd like my text to go in. The shape of a memoir/idea capsule is difficult to pinpoint but I realised that my mental maps do in fact make sense when I'm the one tying them together. It's not just about curating different stories and finding ways to relate them back to a greater whole, but for me - it's more about getting clear on what I want to share and what message I want to leave behind - well, for whoever may encounter the text. 🌄

Apart from that, my weeks have been occupied by my studies, driving lessons, personal research, applications, and writing. Of course the occasional pondering session accompanied by a strong cup of coffee and maybe some moments of questioning the bigger picture - but all in all - I've managed to finally get into a better swing of things. This new pace of life - a slower one - expects only the quality version of me and I like that for myself. I do find that I'm more intentional in the way I show up for myself and others. And I've greatly embraced the moments of solitude - especially since all my friends are scattered across the country and world. It is respite from chaos and that is what I needed for the longest time. 🙏🏽

Another gem of a thought that came up recently was the idea that we are all navigating this chapter of Earth together and sometimes we have to be okay with accepting people for where they are on their journeys. Even if this means some people fall away, others take a backseat, or a few remain more at the forefront than before - people's relationships to you always fluctuate. Well for me - they do; especially since I'm still pretty much in a transitory/transformational chapter of my life. I will be 27 this year and closer to feeling like a grown adult than I was in the 3 years. I am still figuring life out basically and I know people always say that you're never fully 'adult brain mode' until you're like 33, but like - damn - time really does pass by. So what will you do with the knees and mobility you still have in your late twenties?? I for one will keep on hiking or walking a 5km every opportunity that I get - thats for sure. 🚶🏽‍♀️

Leaving the city life was not easy for me but I felt it was necessary for my soul - and of course - for the decisions I felt I needed to make for the benefit of my future. One cannot hold onto a place once it's reached its limits in terms of how much it contributes to your feeling 'whole' or how much it brings you joy. I was definitely burnt out but within this incubation zone, I was able to cultivate something far more valuable - the ideas that my mind has been stewing on for the last few years. And because it is of my own mental prowess - it is mine and it is worth investing the time and energy into. We so easily take for granted the power of the human mind and the value we could bring - if only we paid less attention to what other people thought or lived less excessively for external validation. I think for today, it is worth trusting the way things unfold around you because you will never 'lose' if the goal is to experience. Receive what you must, whether it is a lesson or a gift but know that you are also allowed to trust this very moment. ✨

Below, something to read in your spare time 🕰️

Since we're all adopting each other out here, I might as well add sprinkle some gab of gold on this page to perhaps add to this era of enlightenment. My adoptive children, grandchildren, friends-turned family: You are worth this experience in this life and let me tell you why.

If you've ever thought of quitting while in the midst of one of life's pretty fucked trials, I suggest you take a good hard look at your internal mirror -and of course have a good hard cry - for sure, please don't hold back.

How does one maintain a positive outlook in these strange times? Listen to Human Nature by MJ and have a good day. Thats all there is to it. Maybe care a little less about the finer details of how or when - because life is too short and unpredictable for trying to cling onto things that aren't budging or going with the flow for your sake. You create your own peace, even if at times it seems like everyone around you seems to want to interrupt that peace. You keep trying friends. Living is an act of resistance in itself and the more you embrace the fluidity and openness of your world to change, you will have a day that makes you content - simply because it was your will to have a decent day. Your movement forward depends on your ability to remain engulfed in the present and enjoy every pain, joy, humorous aspect of your day - there is nothing like maxing out your day. Let's dub this Day-maxxing. So, here are some thoughts to repeat:

I embrace the present day and accept that I will triumph over this day, regardless of the outcome.

I am worthy of taking up space and time.

I have enough time to achieve all the things I need to in this moment.

I am making the best of the present moment and all it has to offer, for I am a master of altering my energetic signature.

I trust that I am capable of handling situations that are beyond my control.

I am confident in my ability to bounce back from any situation.

I am the creator of my own destiny, and I will find my way.

As an empathetic person, I often find that I can sometimes hold onto the more challenging feelings like resentment or sadness - not because I fully loathe a person - but more so because I'm still learning how to let those big emotions pass and how to genuinely forgive and forget. It always becomes less about the person who has hurt me and more about the hurt that won't seem to go away quicker than my ability to mentally discern the right time for forgiveness. Emotions like hurt, betrayal, and abandonment really do live rent-free in the body and I hate it for not being able to move out fast enough.

I could always mentally forgive those who have not showed up in the best ways for me but its like - my body will not let me forget. The only way I can think of moving forward in this situation is to write these things down, cry about it, and maybe find healing in giving back to myself. I care a lot about people I love and when they have to leave my life - I have to force myself to pretend that they don't exist so that I can move on and give myself the love and attention I deserve. I've also been thinking about enmeshment and how bizarre it is to meet someone in life who at one point, you couldn't imagine yourself going about your day without. What seems to be helping me in navigating this case of forgiveness (the details of which I won't broadcast) is the idea that forgiving myself is a great first step because I absolutely need to get on board with the fact that I didn't know enough of how to respond back then ... and likewise, this applies to the individual in question. The dilemma I find myself in is that - in my experience, people rarely 'change' so how can it be easy for me to accept that this person could be different. I then think to myself, if I myself could change so much in the last few years, why can this not be possible for someone else? The challenge is acceptance of the possibility that people can change but this still doesn't erase the hurt.

There is a lot of work behind "I want to fix things" / an equally beautiful idea to think about when you attempt to repair a broken vase. Of course, some pieces will never be recovered in the same condition as it was but the act of holding onto the vessel because you love it and you want to repair it's existence is a bit precious. I had a brief chat with a friend who definitely has more experience in this domain and he mentioned that it is worth thinking about the reasoning behind reconnection and whether this initial repair has the foundation to work. This means that I can't just re-invite someone into my world again just because I miss them occasionally. I'd have to look at whether their intentions match mine. Do I have what it takes to repair this? Is the other person as committed as I am to building a proper foundation - regardless of the kind of relationship that emerges?... these are things I worry about.

When a relationship has a lot of history, how do you repair something like this? I don't have all the answers and this also bothers me but this too is a part of the experience of life. Should I write an open letter? Maybe later.

While I don't quite have a working title for my book, I do have some thoughts I'd like to throw out here. One of the first narratives I explore involves the development of consciousness and symbolic thought. I understand these to be foundational to the way that I approach the 'storytelling' aspect of the book, especially considering that it is part-autobiography, part-philosophy and cultural critique.

In sharing my inner spiritual world, I only hope to consolidate my world view and if possible, expand and find connection through like-minded individuals who need a form of expression that also 'encompasses' the complexity of life.

The Anthropocene condition and our very rudimentary and disorganised navigation of it is something that is important to pin down in your thoughts when it comes to how we understand development of consciousness - in the present. We are all learning but at the same time we are still bodies of destruction to our own survival. I say this because I feel like our reflection on deep time can no longer aid us further since we're facing new forces that threaten the stability of future generations, on both an environmental and conscious level. Studying deep time is a great way to feel like yeah we definitely have meaning and a place to occupy in the world but there is a minefield we have hit in the 21st century that forces us into a position of imminent decisions. The weight of these decisions, politically and socially, carry long-term ramifications for the survival of the species, and of course, the survival of many other species.

However, this is something that has been harped about for many years but always falls on deaf ears because the world is structured in such a way that a lot of us rely energetically on the physical output of our everyday suffering. In this age, our minds are capitalised, our movements mass-tracked, our consciousness rapidly being stolen in real-time - and perhaps also freely given away because a lot of us simply don't care about information privacy and consent until it appears in some scandal or affects our bank accounts.

Here is a paper that everyone should read: Youth movements, intergenerational justice, and climate litigation in the deep time context of the Anthropocene (Louis J Kotzé and Henrike Knappe 2023 Environ. Res. Commun. 5 025001) available on GS.

In essence, our 50 or so years of global environmental summitry has had very little impact on actual planetary transformation. It's incredibly important for the youth of our generation to continue to escalate their involvement in reclaiming political agency despite the challenges of institutional inertia - which can be discouraging. Our need to rethink time seems to have a deadline that we aren't quite sure of yet, given that everyone is still pretty much traumatised from the pandemic and are fearful of the next deadly virus. Another point that I found to be of immediate interest is the role that climate litigation plays in upholding intergenerational justice. This is it - the public does not pay enough attention to the importance of such words "intergenerational justice". We are still healing from the wounds inflicted by each other but there is something more important than this - there is a need to not let the future suffer in a far greater way than we are. This requires a degree of selflessness but also a choice on every humans' part.

The Neubauer v Germany decision (2021) was a ruling by the German Constitutional Court who ruled that Germany's climate laws were partly unconstitutional because they offloaded too much of the emission reduction burden onto future generations, infringing their fundamental rights. Here, the court explicitly stated that one generation cannot consume the bulk of the CO₂ budget, while leaving the next generation to face an "emergency stop". This was framed as a landmark articulation of intergenerational justice in law. The problem is also that our leaders do not think thoroughly enough to make room for the next generation and the longer this is delayed, the more dire the future looks.

As a creative, I must also ask - what does this have to do with creation and art? Artists cannot exist without acknowledging their context - to any degree. Artists are not Gods. So, in effect, if an artist is not taking part in society, how can they still call themselves artists of the time? The powerful thing about being an artist is that you have the power to affect the way people see the world. By bringing your vision to life and acting on your creative consciousness, you allow transmutation. Artists are also frustrated and undervalued - yes/ but the artist that truly values their role in this world will find new ways to use the traditions of art to drive future-oriented consciousness. Simply because it is needed. I low-key believe that the world has become so broken because it did not embrace its artistic side enough. This goes back to the early human days of when we first developed artistic inclination through mark-making, ochre, stone, abstraction, and clay vessels. It is because the need to create is more unselfish than it is selfish to the creator.

This week, I don't have a witty gif to accompany this post. If my detrimental mars isn't making sure I keep it all together, then Mars in Aries (or so the astrology community would say), is absolutely wreaking havoc on my emotional processing system. I usually find it easy to hold some sort of restriction over what I say, especially if its a truth everyone wants to ignore = but this week 👁️👄👁️ boy oh boy is it hard to restrain myself. The only reason why I keep some thoughts to myself is because I know that certain words or observations would definitely hurt the feelings of others who I care about. But it seems that the last month kind of pushed me in the direction of having to hold more space for putting myself first, despite my desires (like self-parenting but the tough love version).

The relative, whom I mentioned here previously (and who lost his wife recently) has now passed. A funeral will be held this weekend. My grandparents still struggle with the natural symptoms of "old age" that comes with chronic health issues - their personal struggles of course affect my own reckoning with mortality, their struggle with knowing that death is the only thing that is certain at this point, and the pain of having to watch your loved ones manage grief, prepare for it, and live with it.

This week I DO BE THINKING 💭 about what philosophers of old would have to say about the way we command things we cannot see. We invented processes and standards to improve our efficiency and be able to minimise the margins of error because the price of time spent is often too high. I propose adopting the language of the analysts for moments when you feel like life may be throwing too many emotions at you. I did write a poem the other evening, randomly channeling my inner romantic critic but - of course - to love is to live and let be. Let's beat the dead horse. I don't "poet" often but when I do, it always comes from a place of "hey I think my throat chakra is broken" and hence I need to fix it. 🔮

Some people are CHAR and some people are like VARCHAR. Each of us has our own limits yet we are only able to operate within the boundaries of very specific sequencing. Maybe people are simply queries - if only it were that simple. I've always admired the way we use symbols and pictograms to tell stories, communicate, and understand. It's a lot more challenging to do this with people since we can become so driven by emotion, life's circumstances, and goals we can't quite see clearly yet. Similar to notation, we mark the graves of those who leave this world, craft urns, erect gravestones, offer flowers, burn incense and initiate a process of grief that does not really seem to have a defined notation for "end". 🎭

I can't tell you how many times I've had a discussion with myself on who I felt I am supposed to be or what it is exactly that my existence is meant to fulfil - This pursuit of something bigger than myself seemed more important than the burdens and stresses that life threw my way in the moment. How often do you play mother? friend? advisor? dictator? strategist? planner? child? teacher? > to yourself. Be born, live, adapt, survive, teach, pass on indigenous knowledge, and die. 🪦

It ain't so bad though... embracing whimsy is code for let's see how long we can self-preserve - by any means necessary - or give ourselves closure for the doors we left open for far too long. Don't forget to affirm to yourself that; you don't need to heal 110% 24/7 to be worthy of loving or reflecting on the good in your life. The magic can be found when you count your blessings. Go ahead and identify 3 things you thought were the biggest mistakes you've made thus far but match that with 5 other things that occurred after - as blessings rather than paper cuts. Also, hold onto one rule for the remainder of the year: RUN A STRICT PROGRAM sis. 👩🏽‍🏫

Before I could understand the "why", I had already begun writing down my feelings. I used to write lyrics to songs I made up in my early teenage years and keep them in my diary. These were my first serious forms of creative writing, although I had never studied music let alone songwriting. I was simply inspired by the sounds of the early 2000s and 90s alternative punk rock scene. 🎸

The "why" I recognise today, the one that fuelled those moments, was born from struggling to grasp emotional regulation, raging teen hormones, life struggles, and the weight of societal expectation in my home. I didn't grow up rich. I didn't understand what privilege really was at the time. My parents divorced when I was three and I don't remember much of what a solid family unit felt like, but I had my grandparents, my mom, my uncle, cousins, and my sister. My normal looked like school, homework, good grades, chores, play time, fighting with my sister, mom issues, father issues quietly brewing, and of course idealising anyone who showed me attention and affection. My friends came and left throughout primary school and high school, and later, in adult friendship circles, thankfully grew to be more refined, quality-centred, and honest. Claude says my attachment style is fearful-avoidant but Claude hasn't lived through my eyes. 🫆

I was a creative child. I remember moments in primary school when we couldn't afford to do certain things or participate in school activities. None of that seriously depressed me. Somehow, play, the outdoors, and creation kept me going. I spent a lot of time with my granny and my sister, helping in the kitchen to make roti, gardening, visiting the neighbours, taking the laundry off the washing line, helping clean grandpa's passage filled with tools and trinkets he'd collected over the years. I was kept busy. In my quiet moments, I dissociated a lot, had anxiety from school, from not performing like I should, and from feeling like I couldn't quite match up to what was expected of me.

I struggled to express myself verbally, especially when it came to the more challenging emotions: shame, anger, resentment, disappointment, sadness, betrayal, jealousy, abandonment. In my teen years, I opened myself up to music because the lyrics rang true for me, and so the words started falling there. I also started a diary, which held my daily thoughts, feelings, and difficult emotions. My mother read my first one, so I threw it away and never kept one around after that.👹

During English classes, I was also encouraged to pursue my creative writing, which brought me a sense of peace, the possibility of creating my own world through text. Poetry became something I was increasingly drawn to as well; from early nursery rhymes to poems like The Tyger 🐅 by William Blake, I started to develop the voice in my head. The books I read were eclectic: random Formula 1 books, art books, whatever war or adventure texts were in my uncle's room, magazines.📚

My university years brought more life experience and I developed a knack for researching my own interests, the arts alongside other disciplines like archaeology, psychology, and philosophy. This is where I was truly able to identify my passion for creating worlds, mind maps if you will, and where I understood that transposing my inner world in this way was the only way I could feel heard by myself first. I never felt understood. I get that now. So I must understand myself. 🔎

Roughly four months ago, I created more space in my life to allow myself to explore. My mind is hungry and what I have stored up needs to be written. I've decided to show up for myself in a way that will hopefully create knowledge for my future lineage, or for anyone who seeks to be understood and seen in a world that is constantly on the mend.

The backbone of my (working) book is founded in personal truth, which I believe is shared, in some aspects, with the collective consciousness. What I'm researching moves across a lot of territory: ancient symbolic thought, the origins of ritual, the relationship between consciousness and artistic expression, what early humans were actually doing when they pressed their hands to cave walls in the dark. And threaded through all of it, quietly and persistently, the question of what we carry from those who came before us and how that carrying happens. In dreams. In symbols. In the compulsion to make something and leave it behind. 🎨

I don't have a tidy way to describe the book yet. I'm not sure I'm supposed to. What I know is that it starts somewhere very old, older than psychology, older than religion, almost older than language, and it ends somewhere very close to now - Which is grabbing the tallest mug for a delectable warm beverage and sectioning this "anthology" of sorts.

The other day I watched Kingdom of Heaven to add some intentional media reflection time to the otherwise peculiar string of days I felt lost and outright - just DOWN. I struggle with feeling like a normal human from time to time and the last week was just horrendous. To be fair, I give myself room to experience and while I don't enjoy having my feelings toyed with, rescheduling an interview, procrastinating, and feeling like I'm losing the instinctual survival game - all in the same damn week - the nerve - I just also needed to let myself feel.

I was never someone who liked being told what to do or have someone else dictate what it is I should be doing. It's just not in my nature to 'tough it out' or see the shit through. I'd rather much skip that part, skip the next great extinction, and fast track the passage of time. I absolutely do not want to experience any more character development yet I don't exactly have a choice in this 'experience' I guess. I must accept that I was formed into life with some purpose - either to exist alongside the greater humanity, with it, or as its participant. The spiritual war is exhausting and - did you know? I used to dream of dead people. I don't see them as much anymore but I remember this one dream where my spirit guide showed up - a 6'3 bald guy who probably didn't speak the same language and whose face I'd never seen (consciously) before.

Oh and I used to fear the Cookie Monster when I was little.

Besides this, I am talking about the world powers absurd quest to make one of the great prophecies come true - whether thats via the AI Judaica Pax agenda or the inevitable return of king J, rise of Persian supremacy, intentional victimization of a certain group - etc - all while ignoring the real cost = the death of our planet, death of humanity, death of the soul of the world.

I first came across the term anima mundi in 2019, during my own search for peace. Today, I circle back - not because we're all going through some sort of chaos, life changes, and challenges that seem increasingly personal - but because there is a greater connected consciousness that is losing the battle and already at its wits ends with prolonging its existence. When did we let the fanatics override the sacred divinity of hidden knowledge and power - hidden for a reason - to overpower all that is logical for our survival? We are losing the art of CARE.

I care - I care deeply; and if you care deeply - never let that fun feature die. The cost of consciousness is a great death. Sure, some people are happy to risk it all for the future that should never see the light of day. Despite the fluctuations of Earth's resources, our path of destruction, and our inclination to self-harm, we should not forget that it's our responsibility to consider, care, create, and nurture too. These are things that require a degree of selflessness - something that is becoming an uncommon trait. I just hope we're all a little more mindful considering six years ago we were all thrust into the pangs of isolation, re-adjustment, and alternate paths of survival. Now, we're back at ground zero but what's left is nothing more than the essence of selfishness to survive - Which I don't see a problem with but at what cost to others? do you really think we're cut out for this? (is what I sometimes ask the big guy/gal in my prayers)

I would say; stop wanting things to happen faster for you. Accept what you're facing now and be mindful of the journey as much as you can because at the end of the day, we're all in this war of consciousness together - whether you see it or not. You have to make your own peace to otherwise damning situations and life events - and fight for your peace because damn - a lot of people live just to steal a piece of that light. Long ago, I thought peace was a concept born to bring us comfort but it is now more so an energetic currency and there are people out there who prey on this.

I used to think simple love was enough - while there are factor like compatibility - there are other factors like spiritual compatibility. I have to determine moving forward - are you, person of interest, attuned to the silent battles of the day? Do you "feel" me? runs deeper than we think. Merging souls is another level of commitment that people in the dating pool don't take seriously enough. I had to accept it. When you invite someone into your auric field, you invite their spiritual battles too. You might sense their personal struggle to a degree, feel empathy, or start to experience energetic nudges that weren't there before - these things have a profound impact on you and can linger in the space I like to think about as the ever after. Accepting someone's physical being and choosing to love is easy but consciously choosing to take on a spiritual experience with someone is something else. Like - will you really love ME? (as in are you ready to face our spirits together? or do I foresee you running away from our spiritual lessons?) This must sound crazy. but nah. I stay true to the saying that goes "I was never a half-hearted lover or a friend" - you'll never catch me trying to fit into dynamics that are superficially founded or just do not share the same fabric of my soul. Bitch, that's my Scorpio Venus talking.

Anyway, I sometimes miss the bliss of spiritual ignorance when things didn't feel as necessary for survival as before. I don't want to get hurt but hurt is a part of the spiritual lesson too. I want to experience, even if this world is leading to darker unknown paths. At least I could say I tried yk. 👁️👄👁️

It's been a week and one hell of a mercurial power storm but I am still happy to play the game. This time, I want to pursue an alternative approach and embrace not only the beauty of the sublime but the truth and transformative power of the sublime.

What is artificial seems unholy and destructive but I suppose I must try to imagine and attempt to expand what it is that is known outside of myself. After all, there are many artificialities of life that do not present themselves as blatantly as that which we find in intelligence, models, programs, and algorithms.

I return to the creation map of design; the metaphorical ones and zeros that form the building blocks of control and as such grant me structure to understanding the mycelia-like workflow of the universal system. I believe there are times where humanity is supercharged with energetic inflows and power storms in order to prepare and embrace the vibrations of change. Like changing channels via a remote; the channel has been changed but we are catching up with the static.

In polarising energy, you inherently place an order for its counterpart. This is also the significance of remaining in the present and thus in 'current state' so as to bring up analytical jargon - to simply observe the water of the tide, its pace, its temperature, its density, and pressure. This pool is a witch's brew and you must play in it.

Where does cruelty come from and why is it taboo? I know it's obviously the "bad word" because of the consequences of giving into feelings of cruelty (Fuelled by anger, hatred, resentment, jealousy, feelings of injustice, etc); it's an intriguing label and signifier of deep feeling AND to this I say; I want to dive in (a little). 🌊

I think the closest I've come to cruelty is that which I enacted upon myself. It feels like a punishment for deep emotion. To feel too deeply and then have the script flipped. I know of many whose love for others triumphed the love they once had for themselves to the point where all they had left were the traces of love's cruelty. Cruel intentions. Can you love again after letting love destroy you?

Its Scorpionic. Raw. Seductive. Dangerous - Polarising to the point of magnetism. ⛓️

So, is this why some people run and others cling? Cruelty is defined as

"behavior or actions that deliberately cause physical pain, mental suffering, or distress to people or animals, often stemming from a desire to inflict suffering or a reckless disregard for well-being. It represents a state of being callous, inhumane, or lacking empathy"

It is described as a state expressed as a desire to enact harm, usually without empathy. Inhumane and reckless. In this case, life too could be described as cruel. Or should I say - spirit of life? Holy essence? Is this all just one big lesson? 👁️👄👁️

Cruelty, of course comes in many shades and shapes, but labelling it as inhumane would be reducing the scope of what we've known humans to be capable of. Pretending people don't come with possible cruel intentions is more delusional than believing equality exists.

Children are also products of love's scorn, love's cruelty, and cruel intentions; and what of them? What model are they meant to follow without community? Animals who know more of the cruelty of humans than of the earth's love - survive on in this grand state. Humanity has been living in a state of disregard for itself and the world for such a long time that we've become sick. It makes me believe more so in theory that we are already living in our own hell. But also - that there must be a polarising energy to balance this out in the grand scheme of things.

Micro-cruelties are everywhere. You just don't know it's there because it's so embedded in your psyche that feeling it feels like second skin. It's almost expected, processed by our bodies, held captive in our minds, and regurgitated onto the lives of those we touch.

Then again, choice exists too and people make choices everyday to hurt the ones they love, excused by the temporary fact that claim to love them; yet - the choice to walk away also exists and in doing so, you inevitably hurt yourself too.

Working a job where you feel you have no choice to just drop can make you feel like you hate yourself - - - and not joining working society can equally make you feel the same. Can we just be star dust please? People also justify their mistreatment of others under the guise of "I'm doing this person a favour" - yeah go fuck yourself and your favour.

Not indulging in the frivolities of someone else's life also earns you an unspoken badge of "too uppity", "nonchalant queen", or "a bit naive" - when simply - you might just irritate the egos of those who can't stand to not receive attention. After all, everybody wants to be famous in the 21st century.

I'm still gonna let love destroy me...👹🤣

👹 Sometimes I think - we really need a guide on how to get a Valentine in 10 days and then I get flashbacks to the many years I lived happily without one. 😇

I personally don't relish the idea of showering your partner with affection, gifts, and attention for one special day out of 365 days of the year but it seems in recent years, Valentines Day festivities are making a comeback - this time more pungent than ever; from new matchmaking events to meet-cute's, gym meets, and of course - securing a match on tinder or hinge for the sole purpose of having a Valentine. Partnership carries some sort of increasing social status - a loud proclamation of "hey, I'm loved and I'm here to prove it! what about you?" 🙂

🧿👄🧿 I say, that reeks strongly of bitterness; to be fair, I don't think I've ever had the experience of receiving such copious amounts of superficial love for that specific day - ever. So, why does some part of me feel like I've missed out? It's definitely the societal shame for one but I also could not help but wonder about the impact of marketing moguls and their vicious campaigns on the psyche of regular single women (and men) in the days before Valentine's Day. I've seen countless ads on Instagram reels and TikTok for the last 2 weeks now and it's definitely become more aggressive than previous years. I get it though - from a commercial point of view but like - I don't want to be reminded that I'm not participating or that I've not experienced what being formally asked "to be someone's Valentine" is like. After all, florists and confectioners gotta make the bag. 💸

I do see some online personalities expressing genuine concern and becoming emotionally distressed at the idea of not having a Valentine - as if not having one ultimately means you're not seen in some type of way or society will somehow sus out that you're single (oh what a shame/shame on her). 🥱 Then again, appealing to one's wish for companionship and affection can be very powerful; eliciting desires that go repressed, avoided, or yearned for. As much as I want to hate on Valentine's Day, I appreciate the cultural phenomenon of Galentine's Day and the little events made specifically for single women that encourage finding one's self-worth in oneself first.

💡 I remember one ex from the distant past who told me that every Valentine's Day, he would give out single roses to elderly people in the mall. And I thought to myself - lowkey - how sad... but also how considerate... Now, I feel different. I feel that we have become so removed from establishing connection with ourselves such that we were conditioned to rely on these kinds of holidays to validate something - that we mean something to someone and (in a romantic way) that someone is proud to announce it to the world. After that ? Maybe they survive the next Valentine's Day but the next? Maybe they argue about what kind of gift they got or didn't get?

🦉 AnyWhO Youtube Playlist for vibes: