Fool Me Once

Dating history like playing Pokémon, gotta fix ‘em all

My sister deadset just tried to show me a YouTube video, cracked the spine of a 3inch deep laptop and told me “sorry mr Firefox is updating” followed shortly by “do you mean to tell me Firefox is outdated??”

Once heard a man whisper “I deserve this” under his breath during sex.

You (gas)light up every room you walk into.

Teenagers these days don’t know what a Lo-fi filter is and it shows. They aren’t being humbled in a controlled environment by Sierra. Bring back self flagellation through Mayfair I say.

If you see me wearing a tinfoil hat just know it’s to keep you safe from my thoughts not the other way around.

Imagine being the personality hire in a threesome.

Hozier is the only valid argument against the 4b movement.

Gonna start calling hotties UTIs in the making.

Just tried to lady and the tramp spaghetti kiss a cutie out in public but with their lit cigarette.

How do I get my hands on an old school prophecy? I need to feel like this is leading somewhere.

Writing “must be sold to someone who doesn’t believe in ghosts” under all my marketplace listings.

Hot people who aren’t doing really weird dumb shit are wasting their hotness. You can get away with anything climb in the fountain.