Why fall in love just to prove I still can

It IS true that being on here gives you a tumblr accent. This morning my mother asked me something and i replied "i don't know i've never heard these words in that order" and she nearly choked laughing. It wasn't even that funny

at my old job i had a coworker who was tired and made a coffee with like 6 or 8 shots of espresso and i just casually went up to them like “are you trying to meet god?” and not only was this absolutely hilarious to them but they brought it up in future conversations they thought it was so funny but to me this was just as casual as saying “woah that’s a lot of coffee”

Being funny on Tumblr and then going to be funny in real life is like traveling to a foreign country and baby the currency exchange rate is biased in your favor

I was just sitting on the living room floor eating French fries and getting a shoulder massage and I said "never kill yourself" because I was feeling very content and happy and my spouse was like wow that's dark and I was like oh right you don't speak tumblr what I meant to say is that I'm having a good time right now

The real reason why they don’t wear skinny jeans anymore is because Dan is a horny and clumsy drunk

“don’t talk to me like that” TELL HIM PHIL

like guys i’m so sorry but there is no line anymore, that shit doesn’t exist. this was so domestic and exposing my eyes are peeling like boiled tomatoes

phil is such a himbo like.... oh so you're beautiful and kind and a bit of a flirt and you are so so so so dumb.... im in love with you i fucking guess.......

and when they started singing in the tune of the towell dispenser, i despise them

that was genuinely the cutest, most domestic video they’ve ever made. i need them dead.