Why won't you leave me be

The sky is a kaleidoscope of stars and everything is spinning and blurring together in a warm, happy haze. The Alpha Delta Phi frat house bursts at the seams with life and laughter, bodies clinging to each other in drunken merriment as they usually do on weekends, but this occasion is different. This isn’t just any party, it’s a birthday party   Joel’s 20th birthday party to be exact. He had quickly proven his worth as a prime candidate for the Alpha Delta Phi brotherhood: he was the rising star quarterback for the Cornell Big Red, charming, practically a social chameleon when he wanted to be and always, always willing to have a good time.

This night is no exception of course. His friends, his brothers, had promised to throw the biggest, “most bad ass party” that he had ever seen, and they’re certainly living up to the promise. Everyone who is anyone seems to have shown up and the smile on Joel’s face has never left since the pre-drinking had begun in the late, spring afternoon. Mother nature even seems to be on their side, gracing the party goers with an uncharacteristic warm night, making the crush of bodies in the frat house warmer than it should have been and Joel has to extract himself from the revelry if only for several moments to cool off.

There is the full intention of returning, people make him promise he will just as the clock strikes midnight as he stumbles over to a quiet corner of the outdoor pool, but when he spots Harper (bookish, wonderful, solid, Harper) sitting by herself, thoughts of returning quickly to the party more or less vanish from Joel’s mind. He smells of alcohol, but his smile and laughter aren’t dimmed as he falls into her lap with a shout of protest from her.

He claims she’s being a downer. That she shouldn’t be out here by herself, it’s his birthday and she should come inside and have fun. He’s one year closer to being actually legal, but did she know he was already legal in Canada? Of course she did because she’s Harper McCool, Book Worm and Girl Wonder extraordinaire.

She replies with a tired look (but when doesn’t she in these social situations?), and says she needed some air but he should go back inside and have fun. Malia had to be looking for him after all. He doesn’t though, and Malia (Right. His girlfriend. Bombshell. Sorority girl and Southern Belle  ) is just a passing thought; he’s far too occupied with Harper and this moment. I’d rather stay here with the downer, he claims and she can see he won’t move and finally smiles (an exhausted one but a good one nonetheless) making him smile in return.

You’re having fun, right, Harp? His concern reaches across his voice even though the goofy smile on his face remains. Twentieth birthdays, he says, not waiting for her to respond (he was always chatty when he was drunk), are important.

Important how? She has to ask because she’s genuinely curious and a chatty, drunk Joel never ceases to make her smile despite herself. Because, he says, it’s the beginning of adulthood. It’s the ending of your “teenage” years as you knew them. There was so much going that was going to happen, there was the promise of things to come he let out a breath and exhaled, laughter bursting out into the night. It was like starting over. And he hadn’t been excited for his birthday to come around, not like he was now. Harper idly sweeps a stray hair away from his forehead, watching how his eyes sparkle like the stars he had confessed to her that he loved to look at. His unabashed enthusiasm is more than just the alcohol running through his system. It really is excitement towards the things that were to come.

And why wouldn’t they? Joel is a Golden Boy. He can do no wrong. Well. Hypothetically speaking.

Both of their phones chime in that moment, but she’s the only one to look down, noticing the time, and the date. Joel shifts slightly in her lap, eyes half lidded and closed, dimples and that same goofy smile on his face when he asks what it is.

Somewhere behind them, a cheer erupts from the house, and Harper knows it’s only a matter of time before someone stumbles out to gather the birthday boy, but for now, it’s just the two of them on that blissful spring night. She lets out a soft laugh, and in an uncharacteristic move she’d never do if she had been certain he wouldn’t remember, her lips ghost over his forehead.

"Happy Birthday 20th birthday, you goon."

12:01AM, March 3rd, 2014

The sky is a kaleidoscope of stars and everything is anchored and twinkling in the crisp night air.

Joel’s shift at the Rockhouse had ended early, his coworkers practically forcing him out the door upon realizing that it was his 23rd birthday the next day despite his protests.

Go have fun, they said. Live a little! Don’t be such a downer.

He knew they’d be pissed to learn that his decision to ‘live a little’ was ending up on the outskirts of the McKinley apple orchard, with nothing more than a six pack of beer (he wasn’t going to finish it. At least not tonight.) and a cupcake with a candle stuck in it- all gifts from the ragtag band of the Rockhouse staff. Joel knew this was technically trespassing but his parent’s final walk through the orchard before turning in for the night was several hours ago and he hadn’t known where else to go. Or rather, this was as close as he could get to the place he wanted to go. He fell backwards onto his back, gazing up at the sky. A small part of him wanted it to swallow him whole, while the other half was completely fine with freezing time like this for the next year.

This wasn’t his first birthday alone. Last year, he hadn’t even had the luxury of a gift of beer and cupcakes, but the presence of those things only managed to make things a little less bleak. Joel had gotten used to the solitary life he had forced himself into. It was all part of the plan, he told himself. He wouldn’t be able to get back on track if he let himself do what he had done back at Cornell. He didn’t trust himself, and it wasn’t like there was anyone here to tell him to stop, to reel him in when he went too far.

His mind wandered to a girl with messy brown hair who rarely had a book far from her reach, who had the most expressive eyes had had ever seen on anyone in his lifetime and he exhaled. Even when he’d had that, it hadn’t been in enough. He’d been reckless and he had fucked up more than just school and his future.

Adulthood had seemed so promising, like such an adventure, one party and one football game after another. At the time Joel was certain his younger self could never have imagined this. He knew Bennington would always be home, but he hadn’t expected to be stuck here feeling more apathetic and lost than he could have ever imagined. Adulthood for him was supposed to mean moving away, getting a job that didn’t seem like a job, coming home from the city only for holidays or during the harvest if his parents needed help with a beautiful wife and family to show for it all. He would have been happy, proud of everything he had managed to accomplish on his own.

Adulthood wasn’t supposed mean having everything slip out of his hands. Adulthood wasn’t supposed to be him trespassing on ground that he had grown up on that he still thought was rightfully his to call home. Adulthood wasn’t supposed to mean  

His phone chimed and it pulled him away from his thoughts. Slowly, he pushed himself off the ground, lighting the lone candle that had been sitting atop the cupcake for the past several hours. Joel had long since outgrown the idea that by making a wish on a candle it would come true, but he closed his eyes and made a wish anyway before blowing the flame out anyway.

The smoke curled up, tickling his cheeks like an afterthought, sending him back to when he could have sworn that girl with her messy hair and expressive eyes had brushed her lips against his forehead, but maybe he had been imaging things. He wouldn’t have been surprised. A lot of things about that night were a colourful, hazy blur at best.