Not Your Cup Of Joe

A lot has happened, and I am still trying to understand it all.

I loved someone deeply and trusted the version of him I knew — the caring, gentle, loving person who did not want to hurt others. Then I discovered something painful that changed the way I feel about safety, trust, and even myself for a while.

I am allowed to feel confused.

I am allowed to still love him and still feel hurt.

I am allowed to forgive and still struggle with fear afterward.

None of these feelings cancel each other out.

Right now my mind keeps searching for certainty because betrayal made the world feel less predictable. That does not mean I am weak or irrational. It means I am trying to protect myself while also trying to hold onto something important to me.

I do not need to force clarity overnight.

I can take my time watching actions, consistency, honesty, and whether this relationship becomes emotionally safe again. I do not have to ignore my instincts, but I also do not have to let fear consume every moment.

What happened is not a reflection of my worth.

I deserved honesty, care, and loyalty even during difficult seasons in the relationship.

And regardless of what happens in the future, I will be okay because I am someone capable of loving deeply, thinking carefully, and surviving painful truths without losing my humanity.

For now, I will rest.

I will breathe.

I will let myself heal slowly instead of demanding immediate answers.

Love,

I didn’t know.

So confusing so demanding yet at the same time it can not ask for anything in return as well.

Living in pain…. With or without love is still

I have been processing and functioning like normal daily. I talked a lot to chat gpt to make sense of my feelings and sometimes confusions.

Yesterday night before sleeping, I started to wonder if all these are real? Is he just acting like he did for the past few months? Am I still kept in the dark? How long will it takes for me to trust him completely again?

I closed my eyes and then took a deep breath. I hold onto him knowing he is here with me, both physically and emotionally. We’ve been talking more about our emotions and issues. I think the struggle here for me is really differentiating the mistake (breaking my trust) and knowing we had cracks in the relationship before.

I feel a strange understanding of what’s real and what’s not. But I think it’ll get better.