jennifer

to be honest for a while now the world has passed over me in static. i feel it rumble overhead, unruly and unhappy, tire tracks over skin. when i close my eyes i see only refracted light and rain. no matter how much i sleep, i am exhausted over and over again. i have tried everything. girls and pills and makeup and prayer and chastity and sobriety and violence and tearing off a fancy dress and putting it on again. i might just be permanently shaped like this.

something about you, though. you cut into the soft bits. everything turns color-swift and loud. like you can push your hands through the fabric. like you can find me and pin me down. like all the running and fighting and biting down was pointless; i'd been home for longer than i'd counted. the first time you looked at me - really looked, caught my anxious eyes like a bird - i felt some little rabbit kick her legs, bound up somewhere in the razorwire radio silence dominating my heart.

i can't be known like that. i can't be touched like that. you can't love me like that.

it's because it isn't really the right question. you aren't really asking them "are you mad at me." and i know because i am there and in your body - i can't handle people being upset with me. i feel useless and worthless when i mess up. i am panicky, wild, unreal. i grew up in an unsafe house - i am not just asking are you mad? i am also asking am i going to get hurt now? how can i prevent getting hurt? are you going to yell? are you going to ignore me? are you going to ignore my apologies? overly punish me? are you going to stop loving me now? have i ruined this? am i a bad person to you? do you hate me?

it is hard and it takes work and honestly the work doesn't always, like. actually work. sometimes i still ask are you mad? because i can see it in someone's face very quickly. i can sense it like rain or an earthquake: i had to as a child. i am very good at it.

it puts us in a bad spot. we are asking for reassurance and are you mad is not a reassurance question. we ask to help our feelings, but this question is framed in such a way that it is solely about their feelings, and usually... that is hard to answer. i've had someone ask me this a lot, and it can be tricky because the answer isn't always just no, and you don't want to be dishonest. maybe they aren't mad, they have resting bitch face. maybe they're just annoyed, and in about 5 minutes they'll literally forget what annoyed them. maybe they are mad and don't want to talk about it until they've cooled off. maybe they haven't really processed their feelings yet, and need some space to do so.

i have had someone ask me this when my answer was yes, that really hurt me. and while i knew she was asking for reassurance, it was really difficult to walk that line - how do i honor my own feelings without sending her into an anxiety spiral? the way this question is framed is that it is very isolating. i am responsible for my own feelings, but i am aware that honestly expressing those feelings might seriously injure you. and while i might be super hurt and angry, that doesn't mean i want you to be hurt. how do i say yes in that situation, then, even if it's true?

it sucks as as the person with anxious attachment i've had to do so much fucking work not to ask this. instead, i ask hey, i'm feeling insecure about the face you just made. was that about me? instead i say i am feeling distant from you. can we reconnect? is there something you want to talk about? instead i say i am feeling insecure, and need reassurance you're not upset with me. sometimes i drop the therapy speak and i say (to very trusted people): hey my idiot brain thinks im still in that bad house and you hate me and this friendship is ruined. can you tell me im being stupid please.

if all else fails, it's sometimes worth it to write down what you're feeling and turn it into an "i statement." i know i messed up, and i feel like you're still mad at me or i don't know why, but i feel like you've been upset with me. can we talk? and then open the floor to them for a calm, thoughtful conversation. ask for the reassurance and connection you actually need. your heart wants to be close to their heart, and something is in the way. it might not be anger, genuinely.

for the people that are good to keep, most of the time - they'll be willing to have these conversations with you, even if they are angry. maybe they didn't know how to bring something up with you. if you're calm and receptive, they feel like they can get the apology they were looking for. maybe they're mad about something personal they're going through. and if they aren't mad at you, maybe you can share why you're insecure about things like this (how you were raised, a bad ex), and get that connection and sense of love.

i have "codes" with partners and friends. they know i struggle with intrusive thoughts and this kind of anxiety. for one of them, i will just look at him and say i'm smelly and nobody likes me? and he says something ridiculous like yes i have been throwing darts at your face and we move the fuck on. another gives my hand a squeeze any time they need a little extra comfort or companionship, and i hang quietly back with them at parties. my friend has very similar social anxiety to me and we play a "catastrophe" game where one of us says a repeating thought like nobody likes me and the next says nobody likes me and they're making curses about me right now. this all makes me feel loved, trusted, cherished. this was all also worked for through communication, patience, and....

well i hate to say it lads. but the final ingredient in all of this is trust. from your end, not theirs. you can seek reassurance or closeness all day but if you do not trust their response or trust them to be honest with you... it will never stick. for people in your life that deserve it - that deserve communication and kindness - your trust is necessary. we cannot spend our lives hunting for ways they're trying to hurt us, trying to outfox the next trauma. i know our bodies want to. trust me.

we will be wrong about people. there will be a person that blindsides you in the future. i know, i'm sorry. but in the meantime, i keep coming back to a question i ask myself all the time: if i'm wrong about you, do i still want you in my life? if i can't (or shouldn't) trust this person when they say no i'm not mad, can i trust them at all? do i want them as a friend or partner? most of the time, these are people who have repeatedly proven their love, support, and empathy. shouldn't i trust that instead of, i don't know, my stupidevil brain that also thinks i'm some kind of supervillain?

Agree

accede, acceptance, accord, acknowledgment, acquiescence, align, avowal, bear, cohere, compromise, consent, contract, draft, enlist, give in/give up, go along/go along with, grant, negotiate, unanimous, yield

Deny

abjure, abuse, affront, attack, backstab, bad-mouth, belie, blacken, blemish, confront, curse, darn, defamation, defile, demur, denigrate, detract, dig, disclaim, discountenance, disgrace, disown, disparagement, downplay, explode, flout, fulminate, gainsay, gird, invective, jeer, lament, lecture, malign, minimize, mouth, needle, oppose, protest, put down, put-down, rebuff, refute, remonstrate, renunciation, run down, satirize, scold, show up, sit-in, slander, smear, snap, snub, squeal, sully, swearing, taunt, tirade, turn, underestimate, vituperation, write off, yammer

Explain

account for, admit, apprise, cite, clarify, come clean, concede, confirm, corroborate, defense, demonstrate, dilate, elucidate, enlighten, evidence, expand, explicate, gloss, illustrate, itemize, let on, palliate, plea, prove, recite, simplify, speak out/speak up, spell out, translator, warrant

Fabricate

aspersion, belie, disprove, profane

Inform

acknowledge, address, advertise, allow, allusion, apprise, bare, betrayal, blab, breathe, briefing, broadcast, chronicle, clue, come out with, confession, convey, debunk, define, detail, dictate, divulge, expose, feature, furnish, give, gossip, hint, intimate, issue, lecture, newscaster, orate, out of the closet, pass, post, proclaim, promulgate, publication, publish, release, reveal, show up, speak, spill, squeal, talk, tip, uncover, unveil, weatherperson, whisper

Instruct

bar, educate, prescribe

Persuade

advance, argument, bend, budge, carry, coerce, convince, discourage, draw, drum up, elicit, entice, forward, goad, hammer away/hammer into, induce, influence, invite, lobby, motivate, negotiation, pitch, prevail upon/prevail on, prompt, reason, spur, sway, urge, win/win over

Promise

assurance, avow, commitment, ensure, go back/go back on, oath, portend, vouch, warrant, word

Suggest

advice, advocate, ask, come up with, connote, drum into, exhort, fish for, get at, guide, imply, insinuate, moralize, move, nomination, pontificate, preach, propose, recommend, urge

Praise

accent, acclamation, accredit, adulation, apotheosis, applause, benediction, bless, champion, citation, commend, compliment, congratulations, credit, dedicate, deify, elevate, endorse, eulogize, exalt, extol, flatter, flattery, glorify, homage, laud, lionize, obsequy, plaudits, puff, salute, thanks, tribute, worship

Warn

admonish, alert, caution, caveat, defy, enjoin, exhortation, foreboding, foretell, page, remind, warning

NOTE

The above are concepts classified according to subject and usage. It not only helps writers and thinkers to organize their ideas but leads them from those very ideas to the words that can best express them.

It was, in part, created to turn an idea into a specific word. By linking together the main entries that share similar concepts, the index makes possible creative semantic connections between words in our language, stimulating thought and broadening vocabulary.

we were made to come together

bound to grow apart.

In the same way perpendicular lines meet in the middle, 

our lives have been pushing us towards each other

But no matter how hard we grab on to the other, we move past our cross roads.

In the same way perpendicular lines,

you

and

don't be annoying. you want to write: i have never experienced unconditional love as an explanation but isn't that pathetic. in adulthood all love is conditional and it should be. you've been to too much therapy. touch grass. how sappy can you be.

but they don't reach for your hand while they're driving. they forget to ask you how you're doing. the call times no longer read 12:34:19. they're 30 minutes and perfunctory before she says baby please, i'm tired. i need to go to sleep. where in her life do you fit. why is it that you never fit into anyone's life very long. oblong creature with so many needs, spilling up and out and over everything. it's a fucking shame the first time she said she loved you it was for your independence. and now look at you.

hollow pit in your stomach, body shaking. fuck, not again. you're not going to ruin another relationship like this, codependent and toxic, spiraling. and in the other half of your brain: if that's your wife, wouldn't she want to hear it? wouldn't it be fine? wouldn't she just comfort you and you can both move on and nobody dies?

but you're crowding her! read another instagram Positive Vibes Only type of post that talks about calming your heart and your brain and your body. try to sit in silence. the thing is that you do have a life outside of her, remember? go back to it.

great news, your parents fucked you up and now you have no idea how to deal with love. you just keep wanting to be chosen. to be real to someone, all the way through. real and kept. held closely. seen as precious to somebody. why even is that? didn't you always swear that people can and should complete themselves? why are you so constantly driven to beg for love, doglike and barking?

i hope i'm in every bitter cup of coffee and every candle wick and every bath. i hope my shadow flickers under your door so the empty hallway i have left behind is a swift dart of nothing more. i hope you find me in notebooks and stop signs and fleetwood mac - like i am marginalia on your life, i want my fingerprints burned into your days like acid.

i loved you, and you know i loved you, and for the rest of your life i will be the person you broke. for the rest of your life i hope the shame of that runs like a cattle dog, bites at your heels. i hope every time your cup is full or the moon is a toenail or a cat is purring or a laugh is in your belly or the sky turns pink while the sun is setting - i hope you remember that someone loved you, and you crushed them in your palms. you extinguished every future i lit. i hope that haunts you.

when she doesn't text you back, you should be normal about that. you should shrug and move on and get back to your beautiful life and your wonderful dog. when you wake up shaking, don't call her, don't beg for her attendance. if someone says i love you, aren't you supposed to feel warm and held and gentle. what is wrong with you that your first instinct is to reject: no, you don't, not really.

what is wrong with you. asking for help from your friends and loved ones is supposed to be a moment of connection and vulnerability. instead you spend hours preparing and weeks recovering. you've done all the reading and you know you are supposed to accept-love-as-it-is presented.

but still the internal questions, litany of the prey animal. do you still love me. am i still attractive. do you care about my interests. am i boring you. are you becoming distant. are you going to leave me. do you like me or are you just managing. am i telling you too much. am i bothering you. do you want me there. am i embarrassing you.

the problem is that your prayers have been right before. you loved someone and they hurt you and now the words sluice against the floorboards no matter how tightly you lock the door. you go to therapy and try to trust and try to be kind and try to assume the best. that everyone is honest and loyal. that you can be happy and alone and miss her but still feel easy, at-home.

it feels like waving a flag in front of a sinking ship. you hold up the scripture and research, preaching: i can do this. i am not going to let my insecurities and fears ruin another relationship.

love imbalance — pining