To my father that never was, and to the inadequate father (for myself) Iâll ever beâ
I was born and I didnât know where you were. You just sort of disappeared soon after I guess. I canât get a straight answer from anyone, really. So Iâll just have to think that you didnât want to be a part of my life.
I grew up, thinking that Iâm pretty normal. Lots of folks not having fathers (or mothers) either, and somehow theyâre fine. You just sort of existed as a sperm donor, I guess. I mean I canât really ascertain what you wanted when you had me, really. So Iâll just have to think that Iâm as normal as anyone can be, this is my life.
And I knew a lot more. I met friends and their families. I saw the world for what it is, I guess. I canât get an explanation for when, why, and how I exist from *anything*, really. So Iâll just have to think that itâs not what weâre dealt with, but what we make of it, this life.
Do I know enough to be a person?
Itâs a Iingering question, I guess.
Not that Iâve ever searched for you, really.
And I just had to think that maybe IâŚfathered myself in *my life*?
When I was born, I was there for myself. I mean, itâs not as if I was given a handbook of how-to-father-yourself, but it came with the package I guess. And even then I canât understand a lot of things, so not that it matters, really. So Iâll just have to think that this isâŚwell life.
It makes me wonder though, when I have my first born, will I be there for them? I still have a lot of questions about myself, and for the million times Iâve asked if at a momentâs notice Iâm ready to be a father, I thought Iâm going to be up to the task I guess? Not that Iâm in any sort of financially, physically, mentally, emotionally, ready, really⌠But Iâll have to face that responsibility when it comes, of a new life?
So anyway, I guess all of this just to say thatâŚI wanted to have a father, I guess. And I thought I did that for myself, but it was just all guesswork, really. And every year, on this stupid day gamified, capitalized on, and smacked on every single page, screen, milieu, stage, in-and-on-the-green, what-have-youâ
I have to ask myself. I have to guess. I have to rationalize that reallyâŚreality has a way of building you up and breaking you down until youâre pretty sure you know what youâre getting into, what you might want out of it, and maybe discern how will you deal with it.
Phew. Thatâs a lot. But for a Fatherâs Day greeting itâs fine I guess. Not that thereâs a Father to greet to, really. So on this day, Iâm greeting each and every father, whether youâre with your kids, in a separated family, a single parent, distanced from your children, alienated from your children, (insert whatever arrangement here), a Happy Fatherâs Day.
Celebrate the fact that you gave birth to a life. And maybe, hopefully, you can grapple with that.
And to me, well, whatâs new I guess. Itâs just another day, really. So suck it up, and continue to liveâŚyour life.