my loss is worth more than your wins

“ great, one of those not-answer answers. ” joshua meant well and he had given him a proper answer but he still had the audacity to sound unsatisfied. he let out a long sigh and rubbed his face. “ i don’t know if i’m up for it. ” it was easy to be honest around joshua, he was one human sized bubble of a judgment-free zone. “ but i don’t want to watch that fuck-up mess around. ”

“Should I have said bathing in a golden bathtub with milk from specially bred royal Kenyan cattle because it makes my skin softer and I can rule my people and handle my responsibilities better?” he laughed, amused by even just the prospect of that. Callix’ reaction made him pause. “I don’t think anyone is every really up to rule. It’s something you learn as you do it. And if you don’t want to sit back and watch someone else do it for you, then you have the passion you need.”

“ at that pace you’ll be impressing me with your vomit, ” isabela stated as she watched the glass get emptied. her own vodka twirled in her glass as she moved it around. brandy would have suited the situation better. ALL she had was vodka. her jaw tightened. “ say it in english or don’t say it at all. ” she crossed her arms — in a very flamboyant manner, and then, right after, her legs. THIS was what the people who claimed to be excellent at reading body language would have called ‘appearing hostile’. “NOT REALLY. it keeps things interesting. besides, people who can’t handle a little bit of CONSTRUCTIVE criticism are no fun. ”

“ i’m sorry, but HOW ? ” isabela had stopped caring about other people’s feelings, which usually made arguments easier to win. MOSTLY because in the heat of the moment people forgot that ad hominem attacks were logical fallacies. “ i’m pretty sure he’d appreciate having his son there to hold his hand as he takes his final breath. but maybe that’s just me. ” words like these were the reason why isabela had given up on heaven a long time ago. “ so you’re saying that you are possessive ? honest. i like that. ”

“I don’t speak Spanish.” He was just a bit dizzy — it was worse when he turned his head, and surely, that was from his drink replacing his oxygen for the long thirty or so seconds it took him to drink the glass like it was a shot, not because it had been a while since he had done vodka shots and he had made a shit decision to do one very large one now. “I don’t speak Spanish, so we could have this conversation in kiswahili and español and I think we’d both like it a lot better if we couldn’t understand what we were saying to each other, right?” She frustrated him. He didn’t behave when he was frustrated. And, just like it had been years since he drained his last little glass of vodka, it had been years since he was last frustrated. Joshua neglected to mention that he did speak Portuguese, and sometimes, the two languages were so close he could understand passing Spaniards. It would remain Isabela not being able to understand him. 

“If his ‘final’,” he took her word and tried not to stutter, “Wish was for me to be here, then that was his last wish, and I will honour it. I don’t expect you to understand my relationship with a man you’ve never met. So I forgive you for making your assumptions.” Had Joshua not been mildly not-sober, he might have laughed at her question, and her follow up assessment, that he was honest, but he took her seriously. “No. When did I say that?”

She smiled dryly at him, at his joke, before shaking her head. “I have a few of them, yes. The worst kind is the people do it on the phone.“ She was glad that she had been forced, ah no, advised to get acquainted with Josh. Their friendship was one of her favourites even if they didn’t see each other that often. 

“Now you’re just flattering me,” she countered, an appreciative look directed at him. “I just have to learn how to keep him from sticking his nose into places it doesn’t belong to.” Easier said than done. Her eyes lit up when she saw his joy. To love and to be loved — what an idea! “Briefly,can’t say I remember much about her. I’m sure you can enlighten me a bit.” She didn’t mind listening her friends talk  about the things, the people, they loved. 

“My god, on the phone? I’m so sorry,” his incredulity betrayed his earnest nature, bringing his joking, cocky persona’s reign to a screeching halt. “Here, hold out your hand, let me shake, I promise you, I will never, ever, yell at you about being right on the phone, okay?” Joshua had a reputation for keeping promises, one he would never fail to uphold, and he was certain Antonia knew about that reputation of his. He met her eyes and smiled. “I’ll only do it in person.”

She was a shrewd adviser, Antonia, clever and witty — not the same thing, and rare that both were in one individual — and he always wished he could have done more for her. “Ah, but that’s easy. Give him something else to sniff out. Doesn’t matter what.” She would understand what he meant. Lay a false trail. Get him out of your business. “I hope you’re prepared to be here for hours now,” Joshua warned, beaming, “She’s very loyal, very dedicated, to her family, the people she loves, her country. And she’s one of the bravest people I know. You would definitely get on with her.”

They had lived too idealistically for too long, he knew, but there had been nothing to stop them from avoiding any mention of their wedding beyond ‘it will happen’ and ‘soon’, the undefined date Joshua felt they both would prefer not to define. Yet. Plans were concrete, immovable, especially given that their marriage would unite two nations, and they were a future king and a beloved princess. His mother wanted to know when soon was. Soon had to be soon, now, because time had slipped through his fingers like the sand in an hourglass and now it was gone. 

Josh tried to frame the words as brightly, positively, non threateningly as he could, with a smile, during a lull in their conversation, but it faltered when he looked at Fanni. “When are we going to decide on our wedding date?” Always easier to ask than explain, didn’t they say? 

It felt right. The way his lips met hers. She had been afraid of feeling like she didn’t quite know what to do if he showed her affection. She had been afraid that his kisses and touches would feel forced — like he was only doing it because it was what engaged people did. But no, like always, he felt so genuine. “If you’re older, you should maturely let me win,” she pointed out, her left brow rising as a small challenge. He was more mature apparently: he offered her a compromise. Something Fanni hadn’t even considered doing. “Sure,” she whispered before giving him a quick and soft kiss. “But you’re always slightly more impossible.” She drew away from him and flashed him a grin, her hand gripping his.

She had a feeling he was more than curious to know what kind of a place the island was. Her nap could wait. She gently pulled him by the hand as she headed for the door. “I’m feeling gracious so I’ll take you to the restaurant that has the good desserts.” 

Could he still remember the first time he had kissed her? Surely, it was before he sat next to her during the announcement, raising his eyebrows and pulling ridiculous faces at her so they’d both laugh instead of crying because of the weight of that word— betrothed— and the others, duty, alliance, eternity, that came with it. It was silly of him to care about a tiny, insignificant date when there was a very real princess stood in front of him, but he wanted to remember that first little kiss and he found nothing, they were too far removed by time and distance. It didn’t matter, Joshua told himself, when Fanni took his hand again and started arguing with him again. What mattered was now. “I’ll let you have that, though I maintain that anyone who would continue this debate any longer is the most impossible one.” He loved her smile, mirroring it with his own.

“Lead the way, mshikaji.”

A laugh escaped her lips as she saw his attempt to dance. “Woah you truly have been gifted by the dancing gods.” for some reason, as she said that, Barbara thought of some very old people dressed in roman clothes doing the exact same moves Josh had done just seconds ago and the thought made her laugh ever harder.

She looked at him again, a weak but warm smile on her face as she did so. “Did I ever thank you for how sweet you are to me?” Barbie really was thankful for having him in her life, Joshua was such a positive caring person that could brighten an entire room with his presence and a smile. “But I- that’s not it.” she was aware of the judgement she would receive for being a single mother, for lying and for hiding it once people knew the truth but that wasn’t something she worried about. “I get that it was a joke and you were just saying words not meaning them but- I just… it’s been over a year and it still gets me every time.” she realized she probably wasn’t making any sense to him but it was difficult to get the word out. Barbie had never felt so much worry, pain and fear as she had when that happened. “Kidnap.” she finally said it, again not looking at him and wrapping her arms around herself, somehow trying to hug the huge discomfort away. “You said it and it reminded me of Ariel. It is hard to get over.” she didn’t like to speak so openly about her feelings but she couldn’t let Josh think it was his fault and again she knew she could talk about it with him. “Thank you for being in my life. And I mean it.”

It felt as though his heart had leapt up into his throat and started pounded there, sharp and painful, making swallowing painful and putting him on edge. He hadn’t known. He didn’t remember. Maybe she hadn’t told him? He never asked. Surely, she had told him, and he had just forgotten, with all that had happened to him in the last year. Joshua’s voice was strained and raw, and he reached out for her hands, gently prying them off of their places hugging her arms and taking them in his. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean them. I was teasing. I wasn’t thinking. You don’t have to worry at all, you don’t need to ‘get over’ it, Barbara — ” the Kenyan prince corrected himself, using, just this once, the name she always wanted him to use for her —  “Barbie.” He let go delicately, stepping back to look at her and look into her eyes so she would know, really know, that he meant his words now. “Is there anything you need me to do? I know you said it’s been over a year, but I will do anything you need me to, always. I don’t like to start fights, but I can finish them.” He gave Barbie a cautious half-smile. 

“ so you’re making a HUGE sacrifice for my sake, ” isabela stated and gestured towards his identical glass. under normal circumstances she would have considered it a nice gesture BUT since it was joshua, she just felt annoyed. “ no, we don’t say that. ” she refused to entertain him. “ i think i’ll skip. it’d be abuse of alcohol. ” she eyed the glass for a moment before taking a big gulp from the glass. it wouldn’t have been fun, not after he had volunteered. “ besides, i don’t need to throw my vodka at you to know i don’t like you. ” as a child isabela had realized that the best way to get under most people’s skin was cruel BLUNTNESS. surprisingly many people couldn’t handle an unfiltered mouth. 

her eyes grew colder when he took the high road. she really hadn’t expected her sentence to fail her. she stared down at him, only able to do so because she held her chin up. so it was because of fanni. of course it was. “ hurt you ? but that would be mean. ” she didn’t even try to sound innocent, her words sounded flat and unconvincing. “ AH YES, your pretty little fiancé. ” she stayed quiet for a while. some things even isabela couldn’t, and wouldn’t, use as weapons. the only sign of respect she could show the hungarian. “ are you sure she needs you around, though ? you sound a bit overbearing. do you have abandonment issues or are you just that possessive ? have to skip out on your dad so you can keep an eye on your girl. it’s not a very pretty image. “

He had met people like Isabela before — no, he heard about them, and even then, they were merely like her. The princess was singular, unique in her insistence on cruelty. There was little else Joshua could do but tip his head back and drain his huge sacrifice in a single swallow, like a shot, setting the glass of empty ice back down on the table and waiting for it, or her, to hit him first. “Nimechoka. Wewe ni? Unapaswa kuwa.” It was a low blow, using words she couldn’t understand, but English didn’t feel appropriate. And it wasn’t as if he spoke Spanish. She had the same power he did, they were evenly matched. “Doesn’t it get boring, after awhile? Being so — ” he paused. ‘Mean’ sounded childish. ‘Cruel’ was too sharp. “Rude?” She was certainly boring him, and he would not sink to her level so there was no reason for Isabela to keep trying.

“It’s possible to care for someone from far away. Just as it’s possible to care for someone when you’re standing right next to them. We all have to make sacrifices.” There was the vodka, like a dizzying rush of blood to his head. “I don’t think you care very much for pretty images. Nor do I.”

“tempting, tempting,” viljo mumbled, rubbing his chin. “i think i need a fiancée first, it’d be sad to use it alone.” he joked and joked about not having the one in his life but lately he had started feeling like he was missing out on something, like he was behind his friends. some of  his high school friends had kids already and what was he doing? “uhm,” he started and grimaced a bit. “i’ve been better, that whole falling out with barbie and then the war… it’s messy. professional and personal life. you’ve got a lot going on too, don’t you?”

It was a simple statement — ‘the whole falling out with Barbie’ — but it was enough to make him freeze. Joshua usually prided himself on knowing which nations were poisonous paired together, and which of his old friends needed to be kept away from their old enemies, but he hadn’t known that Viljo and Barbara had fallen out. And he couldn’t stand for it. “Yes, yes. I’ve been given more responsibility since I’m getting older. And, of course, we have wedding planning.” He glossed over himself quickly. “What happened with you and Barbara?”

“I don’t know if you could really call it a date because it was several days, but I went to climbKilimanjaro with someone a few years ago. We went up Mount Kenya six months or so before, as preparation, and that was fun and we did fine, but on Kilimanjaro it was such a long hike and because we both got altitude sick we ended up taking an extra day to summit. But we reached the top in the middle of the night, so it was like the stars were touching the earth. It was so, so beautiful. I did the stupidest thing when were were talking about it later, I said ‘not as beautiful as you’, but I got lucky because she just laughed instead of calling me a fool like she should have.”

The loud scream she let out was the most unladylike sound one could possibly make. “No, no, no.” The credibility of her words suffered greatly from her bubbly laughter that came out with them. She knew she could trust him to hold her, he was build like a Greek statue for God’s sake, but she couldn’t forget that all it took for them to crash to the ground was one miscalculation, one small step. “I said it first!” she pointed out defiantly. Her words sounded just as childish and silly as his did, which hardly made her the winner of the match.

Her teasing grin didn’t disappear, not even when she locked eyes with him. She rested her arms on his shoulders and waited a long minute before she opened her mouth — as if she was trying to decide if she’d let him eat cake. “Very well.” He had complimented her after all. “The restaurant or room service? Or more specifically do you want to look at the forest or the sea?” Her — their room did have a nice view to the Aegean sea. 

She would be the death of him, smiling up at him like that. He kissed her with his fingers still in her hair. Joshua didn’t know why he hadn’t already, and she had already beaten him once today.  He wouldn’t let her beat him again. He sighed, an exhale he’d been holding, when he pulled away to answer her question. “First of all, malaika, you did say it first, but I’m older than you, if we’re going to play it like that.” He knew he must have looked crazy, viewed from afar, with that wide smile of his that swallowed all of his features up whole until there was only a grin. “We’re both impossible, how’s that?” That was a concession he didn’t mind making.

“You know better than me which one is best,” Joshua said, which was true, and she never led him astray anyway, “Which one do you prefer? I’m happy to stay here. I’m happy to go there. Just as long as I get something to eat.”

Her left eyebrow instantly raised as he started his sentence and she held back the smile she knew she’d be showing as soon as Josh finished speaking. And she did, she smiled and shook her head at his questions, wondering if she’d answer them or leaving him hanging on those. “Eh I’m not quite sure about the excellent dancer.” she teased, laughing as she spoke. She couldn’t really say no to the other questions he had made so her go to was pick the one she could at least contest and pick on it. Kind of a payback for the use of her full name.

It was just a joke, she knew that, but the use of that word suddenly made her uncomfortable. Her gaze instantly fell to the ground as she tried her best not to show how that had affected her. It wasn’t him or what he said, she knew he didn’t mean that, but the word was still hard to hear. Maybe that was what her sister meant when she said it was still too fresh. “Great, you two will get along, I’m sure.”

“I’ll have you know that I’m a very, very talented dancer,” Joshua protested, “Just don’t ask me to do anything other than shake my hips. That’s what I’m good at.” He gave her a little shimmy, laughing, as a demonstration. 

He could see it, the way she looked away, and down, no longer meeting his eyes, and his heart leaped into his throat. Joshua hadn’t meant to hurt her. Not with such a reckless, useless comment. “I’ve always thought that we need to remember that we know what our ancestors did not: we’re mortals. All those things our ancestral kings, and queens, would have called worthy of our divine punishment, not being married, marrying for love and not security, having children too soon, not having any children at all — their lives must have been so painful. None of those things should be punished. Barbara — if anyone, and I mean anyone, makes you feel inferior because of your son, they will have to speak to me.” He gave her one of his best smiles, the one he saved for his mother, usually, but once, his fiancée too. A smile with healing powers. “I know we’ll get along well. We have so much in common. We both love you, to start with.”

“ i think my mother did that for me a couple years too early. i was GOLDEN. ” was iris prideful ? DEFINITELY. she smiled appreciatively at him. “ i think my head is bloated because of you. you need to stop complimenting me. UNLESS… this is your tactic. you want me to be cocky and get sloppy. i’ll have you know that i’m still a tough competitor. ” she somewhat missed her childhood — everything had seemed so easy. at her age it seemed that all of her friends, and former friends, were getting ready for their parents’ deaths. “ if i get thrown out of croatia, i’ll seek asylum in nairobi for sure. it might happen you know. i visit the court, get out of line… my mom’s temperamental. ” she had always envied the relationship joshua had with his father. “ i’m always a phone call away. ”

“I would like to think,” he was mock-indignant, widening his eyes to accentuate his supposed-irritation with her remarks, “That you know me better than to say that I don’t mean every word. You are brilliant, you know. You deserve to sit on that high horse a little while longer.Besides, I’m not clever enough for a tactic like that. Long term strategy has never been my strong suit — hey, is this your tactic? Get me to argue with you and expose my own weaknesses?” He laughed, leaning forward. It was a strange thing to imagine, Iris in Nairobi. She would like it there, he was certain of that. “Ah, but that’s not enough. You have to visit too. The magic doesn’t work without you there to be worked on.”

she stared at the glass calculatingly. it wasn’t something you SIPPED on while you had a conversation. regardless she reached for the glass: “ it’ll do the job. ” it would make the conversation bearable. “ but just so we’re clear: no one likes vodka better. not even the russians. ” despite being an infamous party girl, isabela preferred mild drinks even if she had to drink a lot. “ unless… vodka is your choice of drink. ”

 if it was, she was scared for fanni: only greatly disturbed people liked vodka the most. but then again, if she could love and care for her brother, a vodka-loving man wasn’t all that bad probably. “ SO. ” she made herself comfortable in her seat. “ why are you here ? on this island ? i thought you’d be more than busy holding your DYING father’s hand. ”

“Ah,” Joshua raised his glass, a toast, before he sat back down opposite her. “Then we agree. I prefer whisky.” His words were a challenge if ever there was one. We agree. “But I find it’s a good way to learn certain things about someone very quickly. In Spain, do you say, ‘do not marry someone until you’ve seen who he becomes when you spill your drink on him?’ You can try me, if you’d like. I think I make a decent target.” ‘Otherwise,’ he thought, ‘drink your vodka, Isabela.’ 

He stilled, but that was what she wanted, wasn’t it, to make him cower and stumble, so instead, he kept his chin raised high, his only tell the way he rubbed his jaw absently, only for a moment. “If you mean to hurt me,” Joshua said, leaning forward to look her in the eyes, “You can’t. Not by using him. I’ve made my peace. I’m here for Fanni.”

She’d heard of his arrival, and at that time actively searched for him. Was it worth it though? Layla was well aware the two hadn’t interacted in a long time, practically strangers now, and that was confirmed when she turned to the voice. Layla didn’t mean to stare so blankly, but after only seeing him in photos for so long, she had to put the two together. She wasn’t gonna lie, her heart sunk a little with the formalities. Layla. They were closer than that, or at least had been closer. 

“It has been a while, Joshua.” Really she wasn’t sure if she should smile or cry. “How have you… been?”

His memories of her were tinged golden with honey and sun, running through the palace grounds carrying her on his shoulders, stealing sweets from the little glass dish his grandfather’s, the king’s, study. The royal families of Egypt and Kenya had been bound tightly together, but that was no protection from unravelling. It started when his father became king, or when Joshua went to school in a foreign land, he thought, but he could name the event that had destroyed everything. He wouldn’t, for her sake. He hadn’t seen Layla in years, except in passing, in pictures.

“Hey. I get to ask that first, not you,” Joshua gave the princess a gentle smile, “I’m alive. That counts for something, I think. And I’m engaged. So, I’m okay. What about you? And your parents?”

he sucked in a loud breath as if the words would have been the biggest disappointment of his life. “god really isn’t kind,” he sighed, his face briefly sported a more serious look. “i can’t believe you really bought a solid gold bathtub. is there no limit to your vanity?” ever since the silly article had come out, viljo had been anxious to joke about it. “so do you, dashing i might even say.”

He laughed. Joshua knew exactly what rumour Viljo was talking about. It was a casualty of his engagement announcement, a speculative piece of pure fiction regarding his future home with Fanni. “Ah, that one,” he said, grinning. “Do you need the number of the man who made it for me? I’m sure you could get a discount, buy one, get one free. That sort of thing.” His opportunities to speak with the Finnish Crown Prince had always been rare and limited when he did have them, but Viljo was good natured, a compliment to Josh’s own personality. “I have to ask, you may look good, but are you good?”