J. Ayọ̀-Yímiká O.

the most "obvious" disability i have? visual impairment.

i've worn glasses since i was a young child because i have myopia and astigmatism. these are my only true diagnoses, so you can't fake claim me (sarcasm). anyway. i cannot see things clearly if they're more than an arm's length away from me, and even fine details up close get lost. likewise, lights in dark environments are horrific to look at and decipher, both with and without my glasses.

then, from what little family medical history i do know and my experiences, endometriosis and lupus. my monthly cycle is… or was (shoutout opill i love you opill; i haven't had a proper period in over a year, just breakthrough bleeds)… horrible. disabling pain, heavy bleeding, and full body cramps. my iron levels would plummet into anemic territory day one, and by day seven i'd look like i belonged in an emergency room. on top of this, my body always just… seemed to be attacking itself.

every small thing would trigger a feverish sensation and fatigue. my face would get so much redder so much quicker than others' when i was out in the florida heat (which is a 24/7 ordeal), and i didn't actually learn about the lupus until my cousin was being tested like… last year! that, and my partner has seen my face get red and noticed that distinctive butterfly mark appear when my body feels exerted doing the most simple things.

and that? that was triggered by long covid. or exacerbated to the point i noticed it, because everything has truly been worse since then. i've talked a bit about my long covid before, but to briefly touch on how that's impacted me:

i can barely wear sports bras, let alone a binder, because the moment my chest feels compressed i literally cannot breathe. likewise, i have a lot of trouble breathing normally now.

the memory/brain fog is so bad that i've genuinely been scared that i'm enterting early onset dementia territory, especially since that also! runs in my family!

i have random, intense chest pains where i've actually been woken out of my sleep thinking that was it for me; those started in the past year and have mostly settled with the removal of major stressors in my life, but i still experience twinges and aches

one time my body decided to have a random, one-off allergic reaction to peanut butter (something i have eaten for 20+ years just fine) and i was probably tiptoeing the line between normal reaction and the beginning stages of anaphylaxis. it hasn't happened again, yet, but this shows how it's impacted the lupus as my body is so much more sensitive to things in general… like i also developed skeeter syndrome, so i like physically cannot go outside during summer evenings now.

post-exposure, i had a solid month+ of daily migraines ranging anywhere from 5/10 to 9/10 on the pain scale. if you've known me, you'll remember that i had to pause my uni studies (and later pay the difference because they refused to pause my aid allocation and accommodate me) because i literally could not get out of bed most days. these migraines happen semi-frequently still.

i'm not sure how this happened, but ever since that initial exposure, i've become hearing impaired. i've seen some studies about it, but i notice i have both sensorineural hearing loss and auditory processing disorder. the latter feels much more prominent, as if there's any sort of background noise no matter how small, i have so much trouble listening to people. it's gotten me in a lot of trouble with people.

and these, my friends, are just the physical disabilities!

my brain is a complex soup that has seen some shit and developed some shit. i'm honestly getting tired just typing this post, so i'm gonna rapid fire:

complex posttraumatic stress disorder: pretty self explanatory, but my life has not been… great. definitely privileged compared to others, but the types of people i've been raised by and the circumstances i've been put in by them and by simply existing as who i am have deeply wounded me.

depersonalization-derealization disorder: see above; i think it's a combination of cptsd and some sort of anxiety issue. i tend to have a fairly equal? presentation of depersonalization (feeling detached from myself) and derealization (feeling detached from my environment).

autism spectrum disorder - also pretty self explanatory, so i won't go into detail (also because i've just talked about my autism a lot)… but i will always make it a note to tell the story that my support needs were so obvious as a child that i was pulled aside by several teachers and school professionals throughout elementary and middle school and recommended an assessment. my parents never allowed it because i wasn't a "drooling [r-slur]" like autistic folk are "supposed" to be ^_^

attention deficit hyperactivity disorder - my partner pointed this one out after they got their diagnosis, and we're like the exact same person. i've noticed that i have a predominantly inattentive presentation, or what used to be labeled as "add."