A ftm trans diary

Wow, I literally. LITERALLY forgot all about this blog. Now I've been on T for 5 years and I've had top surgery. It's so hard to imagine what I felt like when I started this blog.

I recently, like this year, started to challenge myself by going more actively to men's bathrooms rather than always seeking out gender neutral or using uh, accessible toilets (which I always hated because of obvious reasons, I don't want to take up space for people who need it more than me for physical reasons)

I think I've finally reached a point where I think most people see more like a man more than female/unsure. It has a lot to do with my muscle mass, I guess the little beard I have on my chin, but probably also because I'm starting to finally feel more like a man too. I have to believe it myself. For a long time, my exterior didn't really convince me either, if that makes sense.

I also have to remind myself that the mental image I have of how I look is stuck in the before-T-years. I never liked photos of myself, but I try to get over that thought. It's good to see photos of yourself in a point like this. Then it's easier to see what's FACTS, not just a feeling.

I still often wonder who really sees me as a man with no doubt, who sees me as "a trans person who prefers masculine pronounce" and if anyone ever sees me as a female now.

Wah I haven’t made many updates, but the most recent one is that the lower part of my belly has started to get fuzzy and I’m surprisingly excited about it!! 

also the fuzz under my chin has gotten thicker, so... not sure I can call it fuzz anymore. 

I was starting to get really strong at the gym, but they closed down for a soft lockdown so now I have to wait until they open again to continue.

however, I did like 140kg in leg press, which is just WOW to me.

And I did one set, 5 rep of 90kg deadlift. It’s not mindblowing male wise, but I would never be able to do that before I started T.

Also damn excited that my hips got a bit more narrow. 

I really really can’t wait to see what I’ll look like 6 months from now. how hairy will I get?! 

Suddenly two months have passed!

Before I started T, people would ask me if I was gonna make those videos where I show the progress etc. and I wasn’t sure if I was gonna do that or not. 

I want to document it, so I have been making a few videos(If I use them or not, I’ll see about later), but honestly what I think is more important, and that I hope other people too can find inspiring maybe, is to think about NOW most of all, over focusing only on chasing the next step on the transition.

It’s important to remember that in those videos, it seem like everything happens so quickly, it’s easy to forget how long 2-3-6 months actually is. 

Obviously I was dysphoric before starting T, but from the moment I found out I would need to go through with transitioning, and from the moment I found out that I WOULD be getting T eventually, I slowly started to try work on my feeling and thoughts about my body and social gender. 

It’s important to know that even if testosterone will change your body, at some point there’s just so much T can do for you. To me, to think that I would ever be happy about living in my body was absurd. How can people talk about self love, are they just lying? Are they just trying to convince themselves? But I knew that by starting T, by transitioning socially and be open about my gender identity, it would be better. And when I start T, when the hormone has done its job, the rest is up TO ME. 

I don’t know if it makes sense. In short: I want to be happy about my body once T has done its magic, even if that doesn’t mean my hips are gone and even if I don’t look as masculine as I hope. And that doesn’t come free, I need to work for it.

AND I’m starting to feel it already, two months on T! 

It’s still early, super early actually, in the transition. I will probably have moments where I feel more dysphoric again, but lately I’ve been feeling great.

I try to focus on the little changes I see every week, and cherish them. I try to enjoy the process rather than wish it went on quicker (I would love that too, but it’s not gonna happen so I want to be realistic)

My situation probably has a lot to do with why I’m able to enjoy the process. I feel safe with the people around me, I feel comfortable at work and I’m “old”. Closing in on 30, and I don’t need to be around people who stress me or don’t respect me. 

Before starting T, I was already working out 4 times a week. After T, I’ve been gaining muscles so quickly and suddenly been able to add a lot of weight to my lifting! 

I noticed that on my chest, I’ve always been able to feel the ribs over my bobs, and my collar bone has always been very visible. Now there’s a layer of padding over it. I never seemed to be able to build muscle on my chest, but now I have. My bobs aren’t smaller or anything, but with the extra layer of muscle/fat on my chest, they kinda blend in more and the visible chest when I wear a binder feel more like a masculine chest. Which means I feel a lot less dysphoric about it. (Which is good because something tells me I won’t get a top surgery in like 2-3 years...)

I’ve got some thin whiskers on my lip and some longer, thin thin hair under my chin. My face feels rounder. My junk has grown, actually more the last week I think. 

I think a lot about sex. I wouldn’t say I’m horny all the time (Or maybe I am?) I just... think about it a lot. And about boobs... and butts... I’m pan, so I find both masculine and feminine bodies attractive, but it feels like now that I’m fully accepting my masculinity and letting go of my (non existing) femininity, I’m letting myself go more and I feel like I can... mentally express my desires and admiration for femininity. Before I guess I didn’t want to think about it because it was making ME feel feminine, blargh! Kinda like when you see a hot dude and you don’t know if you’re lusting for that body, or if you want to BE that body. Now I’m more able to separate myself from it and look at the feminine body without relating it to my own body, if that makes sense...

My voice is constantly changing too, and I love it. It feels like it’s getting a little deeper every day, but also constantly hoarse. I’m a little worried my voice will crack without me meaning to, but if that happens I’m sure we’ll just get a good laugh. 

(whenever I think about my pathetic mustache I giggle a little mentally. It’s hilarious! And I wonder how long it can grow before I should shave it off)

Oh, one last thing. When I was supposed to get my monthly week, it didn’t come YES!!! I’M FREE! Then a few days later, I dreamt that I got it and my immediate thought was “Ugh, of course, it was too good to be true...”, but it IS TRUE. Even my dreams are staying realistic and not expecting too much haha. But so far so good. I know things can happen in the future, but for now it seems like I’m free from that feminine curse. (I’m joking when I call it “a curse”. I just always found it easier to make names to things that made me feel dysphoric, to make it less feminine)

So it’s been two weeks on T today! 

I keep thinking I haven’t noticed anything different yet, but maybe I have?

- I’m very warm, but that can be a coincidence. I’m usually very warm and sweaty, but the last couple of days I’ve been extra warm. 

- Last week, I was feeling very sensitive in the downstairs department, which luckily I’ve read other people talk about before, so when I noticed it, I knew what it was. Maybe the more surprising part is that it’s already feeling better. It might come back again, though, I don’t know... I expect nothing. 

- I’m pretty sure things have grown too, already! I expected it, I wasn’t small to begin with. The question is just how much it’ll grow, mwaha.  

So this week I finally finally got my first T-shot!

The night before, my mind wasn’t nervous, but I was wide awake and couldn’t sleep. Then the morning after, I woke up super early. My body was going bananas, full of adrenaline and my heart was pumping. I had no appetite and the best way to describe it is “ugh”. 

Picking up the T at the pharmacy went well.

Went to the doctor to get the injection done. I know some people do it themselves, and more frequently, but the style I’m doing is every 4 months (Except shot #2, which will be in 6 weeks, then the rest will be every 12th week)

The actual injection was ok. I could feel the sting of the needle, but it was alright. Then as she injected it, I could feel a sense of, hm.. pressure maybe? And after it was done, I won’t lie. It did feel really weird and did hurt... And it hurt for the whole day! :’D Especially when I sat down on the toilet or stood on the foot on the side the injection was done. 

To describe the pain, it felt like I had fallen on my bum and hit a pointy rock. It eased up a little in the evening, and the day after it felt more like I was sore from going to the gym. 

I’m curious if it’ll hurt this much and for so long every time, or if it depends. I guess I’ll find out in 6 weeks. 

Oh, the funny thing is that the moment I was done at the doctor’s, all the nervous feelings and restlessness was poof, gone. Funny how my mind was ready and relaxed, but my body sort of knew that something wild was about to happen.

I keep wondering how long it’ll take before I notice anything, and what the first thing I’ll notice will be. The hormone doctor said that the first thing that’ll happen is a voice change, which can happen after the first shot. I always thought that would come later. I DON’T MIND though, my voice is probably the biggest insecurity I have now. I’m... quite masculine looking?? so when people see me, they may perceive me as a guy, but the moment you hear my squeaky baby voice, you know...

I’m also super curious to see how my work outs will be affected by T. I’ve been going to the gym regularly already (Or at least before the corona lock down), so the habit and routine is there already, I just need to get back into it properly.

been watching the Halloween movies again, chronologically in the order they came out and wow, it’s been a rollercoaster :’D They are so bad, but I still love Michael Meyers. Looking forward to see the latest movies, and the ones coming!

As soon as corona virus stuff is more under control, I’ll do a test at a hormone-doctor, then I’m in the clear to get testosterone!

Been feeling a billion times better after I got confirmed that I WILL get T eventually. I’m obviously having ups and downs, and not having a date for my hormone-doctor appointment is really pushing my patience, but I haven’t been as low as I used to emotionally for months. I’m starting to realize how my mood is supposed to be, what it’s like to have a balanced mood. I’ve always been having ups and downs, but now the ups are more normal ups and the downs don’t feel endless or hopeless and I’m managing to treat myself better and allowing myself to be less productive when I’m feeling like shit. It’s great! 

I’m also feeling a lot better with my body and looks, even before starting T. I know it’s just in my head, but sometimes it now feels like my body knows. It knows it’s not female, and it’s doing all it can not to be feminine. The corona lock down really fucked with my gym-routine, which sucks, but as soon as the gym opens again I’ll be running down their door. I’ve been trying to stay somewhat in shape at home though. 

I’ve been feeling really good lately. Not been feeling very dysphoric, to be honest. Not in the sense I used to before I came out to everyone. Now I know that even though my voice bothers me, it’ll change eventually. This is just a temporary me. I know that even if I hate putting on that binder, it’s not forever. 

It feels good, but it also makes me wonder “Is it worth risking my health? Will I really ever feel comfortable going to men’s toilets? Will I ever dare enter a men’s changing room, say if I was going to a pool or some other reason? What am I doing, will it really happen? Take shots the rest of my LIFE? Is this too crazy?” 

But we only live one life! For years I’ve been debating if I’m agender or trans. And I’m fine as agender, but I don’t wanna be on the feminine side of the fence. I’m not a girl. I’m not a girl... but I still don’t see myself entirely as a guy either. 

If I keep debating, if I was to hold back on the trans journey now, then what? I know I’ll need to do it eventually. That I’ll regret. And then what? Then I’ve wasted even more years in this weird limbo where I don’t feel like I’m grown into who I’m supposed to be. (I’m 27 and I still don’t think of myself as a grown up. Not in the joking sense...)

I’m not a girl, even with my new masculine name and the way I look people still perceive me as a girl.

I’m realizing the outer appearance matters a lot to me. It feels like I know I’m trans, but that even I can’t really believe it before I SEE it. Before I see and hear results.

I have to keep reminding myself that even if I don’t feel like “one of the guys” I definitely don’t feel like “one of the girls” either. I’m something in between, and honestly I don’t mind that, and I will never be a “normal guy”, even if I transition. and I don’t want that, and I don’t need that.

I have to keep reminding me that I can be as quirky and “feminine” as I want. Trans guys way more “girly” than me are out there, and that’s ok. 

I have to remind myself that feeling good is GREAT! I should be happy, I AM happy and incredibly lucky. I don’t have to be miserable just because I’m trans. 

Made me with this thing: https://picrew.me/image_maker/114808 

There’s so many cute design options, just makes me want to draw a billion cute characters. 

We watched Scream and Silence of the Lambs yesterday.

I wanted my GF to see Scream. She did like it, more than she expected, but she didn’t really think she would enjoy it.