IDK Yet

the like.... the blunt honesty? as if it was the truth, and no other possible explanation for it? he sincerely, wholly, utterly believes his red eye is so repulsive that xie lian will hate him forever. and honestly, given what mei nianqing goes on to say mere hours later? it's not an unreasonable fear to have, especially for a child so small. he's only ten. he's ten! he's just a baby!

it goes on to detail, again, how honghong-er is pretty awfully injured but maintains consciousness and is able to move around without visible discomfort or complaint. the novel goes on to say that when mu qing confronts his lie of being a beggar, he screams and denies it, saying he has no family, he has no home to go back to, sounding very obviously afraid, before he admits to xie lian that his parents were arguing and had thrown him out.

he also says his mother is dead, so... it doesn't line up. either one of those could be the truth? i'm inclined to believe both are, in the sense that perhaps his mother has died recently, or maybe going off of popular fandom beliefs (as far as i can tell anyway, he has a stepmother of sorts, because when he meets xie lian again as san lang 800 years later, that is. pretty much what he says, about getting kicked out etc. he really just stuck to pretty much the same thing but much more flippantly.

moving on: then we get to where guoshi basically says lol you either permanently disable the kid (paraphrase) or you gotta apologize for saving the kid and xie lian is no the fuck i won't what the hell. side note reading the exchange is giving me shivers. he remembers and knows how these things go and firmly believes in it.... and then later on guoshi says because honghong-er was born under the star of solitude he is absolutely bad news and is therefore he is the worst kind of luck ever

and honghong-er responds to this with extreme, desperate violence, screaming that he isn't, he isn't, and then xie lian just... says, no, i know you're not, and pulls him close, while mei nianqing is saying to not touch him because he is toxic, and what else is a baby that young supposed to do but cry and cry? the description of his wailing is so. it broke something in me bruh. that he cried and cried until he fell asleep, and xie lian still held him.

and like the thing is what mei nianqing and the others said was fucked-up, no kid ever, ever deserves to hear that kind of thing, but the fact of the matter is that the spirits did go fuckin haywire and try to attack in the direction of honghong-er and by extension, xie lian! xie lian handled it, of course, probably did not help baby's crush, but it's like. he knew that. he knew the spirits came in that direction, and whether or not this is because of his bad luck i don't know but it was most likely freaking him out, and then mei nianqing says that, something that has likely been repeated to him often if not in those exact words! of course he went berserk. of course he did. jesus christ i would too. and he's only ten. sorry the fact he's a literal baby just breaks my heart so so much

it's unclear where he went after that until we see him in the temple later on in volume 3, but that's where we get the scene of those kids taunting him and saying things about his family and all that, and he responds with, well, lashing out violently again. it's more or less stated that the temple has become a refuge of sorts to him and the kids often disturb this peace of his. he's a few years older at this point but it's clear that nothing has really... changed, for him, besides being older with something to long for and look up to.

it's like. he's just a child, but he essentially says he wants to die, that he doesn't understand the point of living. and he took xie lian's words to live for me quite literally. it's all so...

fast forward 800 years later: he sounds small and hesitant and self-deprecating when he asks well what if i'm a hideous monster? and xie lian basically just well no idgaf. you have to understand that kind of thing means the world to him, he remembers xianle of 800 years ago. and then xie lian doesn't hate him. even when they get married, and he has a freak-out session over xie lian seeing his eye, xie lian remains firm in saying no, san lang, i don't care, you're beautiful to me, what the hell, and the fact of the matter is that he did have an extremely strong reaction to his husband seeing his empty eye-socket. which was closed btw. just. gestures.

idk man it's not hard to figure out that he has deeply, deeply internalized the fact that he is hideous and a bad luck charm, even as he more or less balances that out with what's basically a god complex as the ghost king. just. when you grow up hearing those things, of course you believe it. when it's one of the things weaponized against you and you're just a small child and largely helpless, of course you internalize it deeply to the point you cannot divorce it with your sense of self.

of course you would treat the sword forged from the red eye you hated so much because it is a physical representation of your hideousness and monstrosity so roughly and meanly. of course seeing the person who told you you are not unlucky, that you are not ugly or a monster, that he believes you, that he has never once regretted saving you, that looks up at you with absolutely no fear, treat that sword you have no love for with such kindness and affection would knock something loose in you. so much to say about e'ming vs. ruoye btw but. points to my docs we're working on that

i don't even know what i'm saying anymore. i guess i'm saying that i often talk about how obviously easy it is to see why hua cheng fell in love with xie lian, and i'm repeating it all now to say of course he did, was there any other outcome to be had? xie lian gave him kindness and grace and understanding at an age where he was helpless and largely excluded and abused by the world. xie lian remains his hope and his pillar. i just. idk man.

you can't look at this picture and not say it doesn't make you feel anything, i think. even setting aside the extremeness of his circumstances, when you're so kicked down by the world, when you feel like there is nothing meaningful left in life— when you're actively suicidal— and when you're just so helpless, especially at an age when you, by all rights, should have adults who love, care, and protect you... i don't know man. it's hard to imagine he wouldn't latch so hard onto xie lian. at the very least, i know right now, it's people telling me things like that allow me to get up and get on with my day at least, so. makes awful noises honghong-er breaks my heart so much.

so. yeah. what i'm saying that really it's not that strange at all that he has such a deep hatred of himself. in fact it's almost natural that it would happen, after all he's been through, and i imagine being a ghost who can change forms at will and therefore not face his truest form is a great avoidance strategy. you know.

and honestly? it's the same things that make xie lian fall in love with him, too. when hua cheng was a small child and absolutely no one was in his corner, xie lian was there, albeit in fits and starts given his own life was beginning to suck rather majorly.