like jia

his nose scrunched and miles shook his head once. they had grown up with a shoestring budget, and so that was how his halloween costumes often came together — rifling through his and his brother’s wardrobe, finding rags and patching together something semi-recognizable. “what are you going to dress as, the two of you? c’mon, you can tell me. i won’t spill the beans to anyone.” it was a pathetic side-step, an attempt at pushing away the question. instead, it lingered, and miles finally responded, “i’ll probably just get drunk and walk around with a traffic cone on my head. or, i don’t know — who’s blonde i can dress as?” living with angel, being taken care of, having a steady income … it was all alien to miles; that stray dog in him sometimes craved the thrill of curling up on a park bench and stealing a few hours of sleep, drinking until the darkness came. jia, and the rest of the team, had tried their best, but how could such scars ever be truly healed? he was overly cool, puffing through his nostrils, maintaining the same air of apathy and strength he had always adopted in moments of vulnerability. miss kim was likely to see straight through.  “maybe i’ll go as one of the bright sparks workers, eh? remember the one that had bright green hair and a nose ring? she was awesome. not that you weren’t awesome, but you know … green hair to a kid is like staring santa straight in the eyes.”

jia  could  tell  that  the  heartfelt  conversation  was  over  ,  judging  only  by  the  fact  that  miles  quickly  had  tried  to  force  the  subject  back  to  her.  so  jia  laughed  ,  always  entertained  by  miles'  antics  ,  and  shook  her  head  in  obvious  fondness.  "my  wife  and  i  are  dressing  up  as  death  becomes  her  ,"  she  confessed.  "i'll  be  meryl  streep  with  her  head  all  twisted  around.  it's  gonna  look  pretty  cool  if  i  say  so  myself."  seeing  the  mood  of  the  conversation  had  changed  jia  followed  with  a  joke  of  her  own.  "the  only  blonde  i  can  think  of  is  marilyn  ,  and  i  do  think  you  would  do  her  justice." it  was  nice  to  see  that  there  were  good  memories  tied  to  bright  sparks.  that  was  all  they  ever  wanted  ,  for  the  kids  to  have  a  safe  space  to  turn  to.  "oh  ,  i  know  ,  i  was  never  the  cool  one."  jia  had  realised  that  pretty  early  on  ,  her  inability  to  learn  handshakes  didn't  even  factor  in.  "but  hopefully  y'all  liked  me  well  enough."

jia  ducked  her  head  as  red  tinted  her  cheeks.  it  was  true  ,  she  always  felt  happy  and  warm  talking  about  her  wife.  it  was  cheesy  but  true.  "we've  been  together  a  little  while  longer  ,  but  yeah  ,  five  years  married.  feels  like  it  was  only  yesterday."  as  they  looked  over  the  menu  jia  thought  over  valley's  question.  what  was  their  secret  ?  "i  think  we  early  on  decided  that  communication  was  what  was  most  important  ,"  she  replied  thoughtfully.  "we  both  had  things  we  had  to  overcome  and  we  didn't  want  that  to  get  in  the  way  of  our  love  for  each  other."

@jiakim

all the talk of decorating for the holidays got jia excited. she finished pouring zara's glass before filling her own. "oh , i've already bookmarked some items that will look amazing this christmas. i just have to convince syl that we need yet another set of colour coordinated ornaments." jia always went all out for christmas , mostly for the same reason she went all out for halloween. she'd never had an opportunity to celebrate before and would take every opportunity to do it now. "that doesn't sound very nice to your boss ," jia admonished. "think of the fact that you might be the best boss you've ever had instead." jia took a small sip of her glass as she tried to come up with a reply other than same. "i'm pretty busy as well ," she settled on , which wasn't much better. "you'd think teaching middle schoolers would ease up on the amount of paper work i have."

jia felt her heart break when the kid fell into her embrace. it felt so much like a little child needing reassurance from a parent. with her free hand she reached out and gently caressed the top of her head. "you're okay sweetheart. it's gonna pass, you see. your breathing is already slower." and it was. it was shaky and halfhearted, but her breaths were coming out in a more steady pace rather than the panicked one it had had before. then it was over, like a snap of a hair tie against skin, and the girl was pressed back against the wall looking almost sick with embarrassment. "you're not ?" she asked gently, not mentioning how their hands were still intertwined, even though the grip had become softer. "it's nothing to be ashamed for, sweetie. sometimes we all have to let out the steam we've been keeping inside." it felt as if she was crossing a line, but jia felt like taking a chance on this one. "lainey, nice to meet you. my name is jia." she squeezed lainey's hand in greeting, before slowly letting go. "are you feeling a bit better ? that was quite a reaction just to get out of yoga."

A soft sigh left her lips shortly before their lips sweetly met for a brief moment. Despite her wife's reassuring words, she couldn't help but be consumed with guilt. "I'm going to make it up to you, tomorrow...And tonight." she chuckled, pressing a small peck on her lips. "You have a long way to go? I can help you finish up here." the brunette said, pulling up the closest chair so she could grab a seat next to her Jia.

jia didn't know what it felt like for her wife. to have a disability as she did, have a machine almost forcibly letting her take part of the part of the world that had been taken from her, and not really knowing how to regulate it anymore. it must be so overwhelming to come from silence into a wall of constant sound. "did you find time to breathe ?" she asked. "you work too much, too hard." that part was painfully true. both of them had a tendency to lose themselves in their work. it was always touching when sylvia asked if she could help. to have her invested in jia's job even if it was 'only teaching middle schoolers' as some people in her past had referred to it as. sylvia knew how important it was to her and never made her feel like it was something that was less than. the distance between them wasn't permanent, because the things that mattered were still solid. "it's just a few papers left, it can wait until tomorrow." she pushed the papers and countless folders away from them and placed a kiss on syl's cheek in return. "right now i want to spend time with my wife with no work between us." another kiss. "maybe we can watch a movie before bed ? or do you wanna shower the day off and then sleep immediately ?"

She shook her head, still laughing at herself, and held the restaurant door open for Jia. "So what's your wife's name?" she asked, resisting the urge to pull Jia's chair out for her as they sat down. "How long have you been married?"

"see," jia exclaimed accusingly. valletta had just proved what jia had felt all along. "i'm not making it up ! but fine, i'll bite. i'll let you buy me lunch." jia quietly thought that the fancy shoes valley was wearing proved that she could afford it. "a platonic, new friend lunch." they both arrived to the restaurant in high spirits. jia sent a quick text to sylvia, letting her know she wouldn't be home until after lunch. "her name is sylvia," jia replied as she slid into her chair, eager as always to talk about her. "she works as an editor at the blue news. we've been married for a little over five years."

@jiakim

jia motioned for zara to join her at the counter, sitting down comfortably on the stool with the gifts in front of them. it was also accompanied by small things to snack on while they chatted. "oh, if you do i must warn you, i nearly tripped and fell five times before the decorating was over. i am a liability, not an asset." at the mention of the multiple shopping bags that had appeared with sylvia barely visible behind them, jia shook her head in amusement. "i'm hearing conflicting stories. now i don't know what to believe." she opened the wine with a small pop before pouring them each a glass. "how have you been, sweetie ?"

adjusted wasn’t quite how miles saw the situation. he had emerged on the other side of his childhood, still alive and with a somewhat passable education, and that was enough for him. there had been times where even the bare minimum seemed heavily out of reach. home, friends, a heartbeat — beggars couldn’t be choosers when he was dealing with the hand life had dealt him. his fingers twisted into hers and the entire clumsy affair was topped off with a fist-bump. “it feels weird calling you jia. you’ve just always been miss kim.” but he was thankful for the relax in boundaries, in the blurring of lines between carer and friend. jia had given him more than enough to cross the boundary. as though the handshake had been pulled off flawlessly, he leaned his weight onto his back foot and crossed both arms over his chest. she didn’t need to know that he was vermin in somebody else’s home, that rolling his eyes had become angel’s daily workout. cardinal hill wasn’t made for people like miles monroe and, god, was he reminded of that fact every time he arrived to that front door, fumbling for his keys, seeing the suited professionals leaving for work at the same moment he returned home. “i guess it’s something. do you have any ideas for your costume? you’ll look in anything, mi—” miles chuckled and corrected himself, “jia.”

jia knew that the lines were blurred when the kids 'aged out' so to speak. sure, they were always welcome back, but most of them fell into a sort of liminal space where they didn't know if they were a child or adult. jia understood that could be hard to navigate. so, for the ones who felt it best to move on, she still gave a wide smile and friendly wave when she saw them in line at the grocery store. "i guess it can be weird, but you have my full permission still." there was a moment, flickering and troubling, before miles' walls closed up around him. jia knew it well, used to be an expert in it when she had secrets large enough to drown in. she knew miles' life had been different before this and adjusting to it must be difficult. "you can't hide from me, miles," she said, waving her finger back and forth in her best teacherly manner. "i know you're not one of my bright sparks kids anymore, but i am still here for you if you ever need anything." she left it there, because she also knew that pushing an issue would only make him close up more. "well, the wife and i are cooking up an incredible couples costume. i don't wanna give everything away, but it's from one of my favourite movies. do you have anything planned ?"

Daniel grinned, a bit sheepish, as he ran a hand through his hair. He loved to give Jia a hard time, and he thoroughly enjoyed whenever she sassed him back. It was a love language of sorts and it was all their own. “I haven’t had any complaints,” he chuckled. “But noted, never again.” Daniel raised his hands in mock surrender as Jia waved hers in front of him.  His expression turned somber as her words about the past hit him. “Thanks, Jia,” he said quietly. “In my head, I know you’re right, but…it’s just hard to shake, you know? I should’ve said something sooner. Maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad for her.” Daniel exhaled slowly, as if to release some of that weight on his chest, and he shook out his limbs before offering Jia another smile. “I appreciate you saying that though. And I appreciate you feeding me. I couldn’t do another night out.”

"okay, i need all the details," was the first thing that came out of jia's mouth when they finally sat down at the table. the past thirty minutes had been reserved for casual conversations, talks of the kids at work and minor details of a case daniel was working on. the dinner table was for the big things. like daniel's love life. "how are things going with lover boy ?" she waggled her eyebrows suggestively, knowing that this was new grounds for daniel but also, she was his sister and sisters are obligated to annoy the hell out of their brothers. "are we still liking him ? are we still spending too much of our time watching him dance at a club ?"

at the mention of her wife, jia brightened visibly. it was one of her favourite subjects after all. "syl just doesn't age. she's looked the same ever since i first saw her. i can't really trust that there isn't some witchcraft involved." even though it was painful, she accepted the compliment with the little grace she could. "we do look rather good, don't we," she mused. "i'm afraid there is no recipe. just lucky with this part of the gene pool. suppose i gotta be grateful to dear old mum and dad for this one thing." it didn't hurt, talking about them anymore. in reality jia didn't remember what they looked like. the hurt and fear was the only thing that remained in her memory of them. hearing the amount of years left until her 50th made jia almost spit out her drink. it was one thing to know the number was there, it was another thing entirely to stare it straight in the eyes. "i object," she hid her face behind her hand. "it is 8 years and a little over a month left. get your numbers straight, or i'll kick you out of your own house !" she had to keep her voice down as to not wake the kids, but it was hard when laughter came so easily. even though lea's life revolved around his kids, jia was glad to hear he had some things to himself. "you know sylvia and i are more than happy to take the kids some nights if you want some alone time," she promised. "if you wanna meet up with some friends or just sleep in. we can have a sleep over."

growing up, for miles, had been a minefield. a father that he had never met, a mother who abandoned them, a sister to raise without any guidance — without bright sparks, he would have quickly faded into the background. just another statistic. he wasn’t successful, not by any means, but the middle monroe was alive, he had a home, and at the end of the day he had a full belly and a warm bed to return to. it was more than he could have ever dreamed of. it was more than he thought possible for someone like him. usually his lunches were lovingly packed by angel. that morning, though, he had left the tupperware on the kitchen counter, and it was likely defrosting all over the surfaces ( he’d get the rap for that later, he knew it ). miles liked it simple — he had picked up a bacon sandwich and glanced down at his phone, head down, obliviously walking straight into the path of . . . “miss kim?” a bright smile appeared like a beam of light across his face. immediately he fell back into old patterns — a high five, a low sweep, a fist bump.  “i’ve been doing great. i live in cardinal hill now! what have i missed?”

the handshake never felt natural, more a movement jia had spent weeks memorising, but without any real swagger. but it made miles inexplicably happy so for jia it had been a done deal. it always warmed her heart to see her kids grown up and heading into the adult world somewhat adjusted. she knew first–hand how damaging it could be to not have a stable home life and she would've given anything to have a support system around her that helped navigate all that. miles was, and always had been, wilder than life itself. from a distance it seemed like he thrived in chaos, but he had still showed up regularly to bright sparks and involved himself in the events and activities with an unbridled joy. "what have i said about calling me that ? jia is just fine." her ears perked up when she heard an update on miles' life. "cardinal hill ? you're living the good life, huh ?" that was a change from the last time they'd met. "nothing that exciting has happened. we're still working hard at brigh sparks and my biggest struggle is figuring out what halloween costume would be cool at work."

"Oh!" Valley said, the shade of her cheeks matching Jia's in that moment. She smiled, and shook her head. "I promise it was only a friendly invitation. I am, unfortunately, straight. But I'd love to hear all about your wife at lunch."

JIA WORKED WITH KIDS. she was used to hearing the most outlandish things. she had, however, not felt mortified in this moment. "oh my god, i'm so sorry," she apologised, wishing the ground would just swallow her up. "i'm so embarrassed, but it really did sound like – oh.. oh god." if sylvia ever heard of this she would laugh for hours. which obviously meant that jia would tell her as soon as she got home. "i don't know how i can salvage any pride after this, but okay, yes, let's have lunch."

"I love what you've done with the place," Zara comments with polite awe as she crosses the threshold of Jia's home and follows her inside. A few months of consecutive, time-consuming projects have seen the brunette becoming somewhat of a homebody on her days off, so she's grateful that Jia has extended her an invite - even if it serves as a timely reminder that she has to get her Halloween decorations up, like, yesterday. "I wish I could tell you I baked these," Zara says, holding out a box of cupcakes. "But I'm a terrible liar. They're from Crave. I did bring wine though."

IT WAS A COMFORTABLE friendship that had developed between the two of them ever since zara moved in. it was mostly built out of proximity, given that they were neighbours, but the company was always good. "thank you, it took a few years to get the routine down perfect," jia replied. it helped that halloween was a Big Thing™ at work, with all the kids dressing up and looking the cutest they ever had. it was an annual reminder that decorations had to come up from the garage into the house. "oh, please, crave is perfectly fine. with that and wine you've made me a happy gal."

The woman pulled the other chair so could sit close while still facing her. "I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier to have dinner with you...Is there anything I can help you with?" She glanced at the different forms, then back to her wife for any indication. Any trace of the buzz from the alcohol she drank earlier had left and been replaced by guilt. She should've come home after work, or invite Jia to joined them.

THE TWO OF THEM, sitting in their kitchen, sharing a life together, was everything jia had ever wished for. the safety and love they had built together felt like a dream most days. sylvia was perfect for her, to her. yet these days it felt that the love they shared was also interrupted by a monotonous silence. too often they missed each other, jia out the door just as sylvia woke up. sylvia leaving for an important impromptu meeting just as jia put her car in park. it wasn't what jia wanted for them. "it's mostly grading papers and looking over next week's lesson plans. nothing that's too overwhelming." she gave syl a sweet smile, feeling both thankful and dejected as the silence that stretched between them. instead of opening her mouth again jia reached out, bridged the gap between them, and gently rubbed the spot she knew was bound to ache after a long day like this one. "you tired, my love ?" she asked, making sure to speak slowly, enunciating each word. jia could feel the guilt emanating from her wife, which was the last thing she wanted. she leaned back, hurried to explain. "i made us dinner ... and they turned into leftovers for us." she leaned forward and kissed sylvia gently on the mouth. a soft press of lips against the others. "you didn't know, sweetheart. i could've called or texted to let you know."