Camil/Cam

So a few days after my last journal entry I noticed that I have been developing an adams apple!! Its a pretty small bump and you can see it more from my side profile., but I'm still very excited about it. Im still taking 0.4ml weekly, its been pretty fine. I got cramps a few days ago, which I only felt for a bit, which I think is because of the lower dose. I get them sometimes, but no flow, so that's the important bit. My face and body acne isnt so active right now, a few days ago it was HORRIBLE. I always found it hard to figure out a good face wash routine, but for me, simple is better. I wsh my face with a cleanser gel (specifcally for dry skin), then a mosturizer (also for dry skin), and then I finish with some zudenina plus for my acne. That's it. I still get acne ofc, but that's like normal with T.

The hair on my face hasn't been spreading, but its been getting a bit darker, and longer on my chin. Just a tinyy bit. I'm wondering how much hair I'll be able to grow and what it'll look like. I've never properly shaved my face before, so if I don’t look that great with a mustache, I’ll figure that out lol. Other than that, I haven’t had any big developments that I’d want to document. My weights somewhat the same, same with my muscles, physical health. Nothing that drastically different. Mental health’s been pretty good, my confidence is still up. T doenst really make you “super macho confident cool guy,” but you just feel better. About yourself. I’ve never felt so sure about myself. I think that’s what matters instead of immediately pressuring yourself to figure out “what type of guy” you are. I had that sort of pressure on myself for a long time, even before I started my HRT.

I think there’s certain “archetypes” of trans guys that are talked about a lot on the internet. These are sort of seen as jokes, best way to explain it, so it’s a “haha this is literally me” type of thing, but it can easily become a “you either look/act like this or that.” And when I first staring to realize I was trans, I felt a lot of pressure to act/look like “this or that.” And ofc, there’s a lot of internalized transphobia that I had, so “I didn’t want to be a ‘softboi’ im supposed to be a guy!” But a the same time “I don’t look like this, I don’t dress like that’s, do I have to dress like that, I can’t make my hair look like that!” I completely understand how most trans guys who aren’t on T (and are pretty young) start to get really insecure with their masculinity. And I wouldn’t be surprised if other trans guys feel like they couldn’t “find themselves” as a man. Because our ideas of masculinity and “what a man is” is still so narrow. And it shouldn’t be.

Okay it turns out my T levels are still super high. If i remember, I was around 1200 when I should be around 800. And to avoid my insurance declining to cover it (since they don't like it when the levels are too high often). My endocrinologist decided to lower my dosage to 0.4 weekly now. Which I don't mind, I'm still gonna progress more or less the same. He also said I probably won't get as much acne (which I don't mind for the most part either). I took .4ml right after the appointment.

I have been developing some shoulder acne (yayyyy). My face acne has somewhat died down, at least, the acne on my shoulders looks faint, like it’s not itchy and red. I surprisingly haven’t picked at it much; I always had a bad habit of picking my scabs. Same with my nails. I haven't picked at them for a while. Generally I've been feeling about the same mentally/emotionally. I've gotten very used to my voice as my own. It's still deepening, but very slowly. I think I'm getting to that point where I am starting to be perceived differently. Like at school, sometimes I feel like I pass more times than other times. I think it's just because I feel pretty good and confident, and then I get misgendered by some random person and then it's like "cool."

So the T been treating me well! I still got a good amount of acne, mostly around my forehead and cheeks. I have noticed that my forehead has become more oily and I have hair that swoops in front of my forehead a bit, so I was bound to get more acne and texture. I have been using a routine that does help die it down buttt it still shows up. I’m glad I have a set routine either way cus it’s always a good way to start and end the day, sometimes it feels like a hastle though. My voice has also been starting to crack. Not a lot, but I’ve been noticing that I sometimes can’t control how it fluctuates. I thought it would happen way earlier, but it makes sense cus my voice just started to get pretty deep. I visited an ex a little while ago, and they were so excited when they realized my voice dropped. I can only imagine how my extended family would react. Probably not with the same amount of happiness or enthusiasm lol

Anyways, there has been a bit more hair on my chin, it’s still faint. The mustache still looks the same too. I love how I look either way. Though I’m realize I’m starting to get to that point in my transition where I get more nervous using public restrooms. It’s like I’m kinda “in the middle,” which I’ve always kinda felt like I’m in the middle. Too feminine looking to even TRY to go in the guys restroom, and too manly looking to go to the girls restroom in peace. I don’t know exactly how I’m supposed to deal with that? I’m just glad I live in a somewhat decent state with no weird bathroom laws (for now) and that there are gender neutral bathrooms at my college (which I think we need more of in general, like they can’t be that hard to make). But for now, I’m definitely using those family rooms if they are available.

Okay so, my period was supposed to start a few days ago. Haven’t felt a single thing, so the weekly dose must be minimizing the symptoms. Hopefully it stays that way for as long as it can, I know for some trans guys their period symptoms go away for a good while and then suddenly come back. My acne is still pretty active, but it’s definitely calmed down with the face care routine I have. I consider myself to be pretty conscious of my hygiene. I’ve been taking a shower everyday to make sure I don’t smell cause I’m worried to death of me being smelly and not realizing it. I heard you you get more prone to being smelly on T, and it’s just cus of the testosterone makes you more sweaty. Thankfully my skin still feels the same. A few days ago when I was washing my face, I noticed that my chin felt rougher than usual. When I grazed my finger I felt hairs growing, not the usual peach fuzz. It’s very few strands, but they’re dark like my eyebrows. I was so excited when I realized I wasn’t seeings things.

I have been slowly seeing more physical changes, my muscles on my arm are getting bigger, every time I flex I can actually see muscle. I feel like a gym bro every time lol. I don’t go to the gym at all actually, so I thought it was weird that my arms are getting bigger. It’s just my fat being distributed differently, which is common. I have wayyy more confidence regarding my top half though, especially now with the tape. I love being trans, and I’m so grateful to have gone half a year with the HRT I very much needed. I don’t think I could have gone the rest of my adult life without some form of gender affirming treatment. I had the privilege to even afford this, and I recognize that. I never thought that I would ever be living a life like this in the first place, being trans. It feels unreal at times, like I sometimes remember randomly that I’m trans and on HRT, and I’m like “Oh right. Woah.” And then I get really happy lol.

When I went on T, I knew not much was gonna change immediantly. I already accepted that long ago. But then I thought about it, and I had the epiphany that not much may also change even 1 year on T. And that kinda freaked me out for a moment. Because I realized that I assumed that I'll look super different 1 year on T. I mean, I'll definitely look different, but maybe not like the extreme that I imagined in my head. I consider myself a very visual person and I get stuck in my head a lot, so I had these imaginary scenerios of what I would want to look like on T. Keyword here is want. I WANT to look a certain way but there is only so much the HRT and myself can do. I just gotta let it take its course sometimes.

Maybe I won't grow a lot of facial hair, maybe I won’t get wider, maybe my voice wont be super deep; but it'll still be different, and it'll be me. I work with what I have, I am an artist. The art I make will not always look like the image I have in my head before I draw, but that's expected in way. Same with my transition. If I hate it that badly, I could stop. It’s up to me. I look at myself in the mirror everyday, I see every inch of change very slowly, and I have to remind myself that it’s not “the end result.” There kinda is no end result, because people, trans or not, are always changing. People have no end result. Why should we, as trans people, put so much pressure on ourselves when we can also just enjoy the changes we are currently going through on HRT?

So, I got my period back a few days ago. It explains why I’ve been breaking out more. I’ve had a minimal flow, but the cramps feel the same. I am very grateful that I am now starting to take it weekly, and hopefully it’ll be able to stop in a few weeks. I let my endocrinologist know about how I won’t need the refills for syringes or needles anymore, my best advice is to actually just buy a pack of 100 needles/syringes online because it is cheaper. Believe me, you’ll just have to worry about calling for the testosterone itself, at least it’s like that for me. My endocrinologist agreed that it’s easier to just get the packs online.

The hair above my lips has gotten more obvious, but it’s still not a lot. It’s like a shadow. The hair growth everywhere in general has been somewhat slow, but I’ve noticed that the hair on my legs has grown more between my shin and feet. It’s weird because it’s more darker hair too. My body still looks the same, still around the same weight. I don’t eat a lot and I have a fast metabolism so I didn’t expect to gain weight much. I would like too; I’ve always kinda liked the idea of being a bit wider, but I know that it’ll be hard. I’ll probably have to bulk, and if I’m being honest, I don’t know much about that stuff. I think I had certain expeditions about what I would look like when I get on T, I never really thought much about the awkward beginning phase when everything is settling. It’s like when you get a new haircut; you have to grow into it a bit. I just need a lot of patience and confidence. I want to get fatter and hairier, and maybe I will, but it may be where I expect it the least (the ass hair everyone mentions).

So I haven’t dealt with anything super new. My voice is still getting deeper, my acne has been coming and going, and my weight is still the same. I think the biggest development recently has been my menstrual flow. So I’ll be talking about that for a bit. I have not bleed at all this month, which has never happened, and I think it is because of the T. My endocrinologist and I agreed that if my flow didn’t stop 3 months into my HRT, I’d start taking T weekly. My period would usually start around the 8th or 9th it ended up starting around the 14th in august. It also started around that time last month. Now it’s just not here. I’ve gotten cramps that felt like period cramps, but no flow. I’m gonna contact and try to ask my endocrinologist what exactly I should do, because I liked taking it every 2 weeks and I agreed to take it weekly because my flow wasn’t stopping. Hopefully I’ll get a response soon cus he is hard to reach. Probably cus he has so many other patients like me.

If im being honest, I have always been somewhat self conscious over my face/body and how its precieved by others. I have always felt a disconnect between me and my body, like I had strong emotions (both positive and negative) about how I looked. I still do, I think everybody does. But because I never had the vocabulary to really identify what I was feeling over my looks, I felt really disconnected to my myself. As a kid, I didnt have any strong feelings about my looks, what I wore, how I was percieved. Of course, I grew up and then all of a sudden I was more self conscious and aware of how others looks at me.

I am a fairly short guy, I'm more lean and its obvious that I have curves when Im not wearing baggy clothes. I have this distinct memory of trying on pants that hugged my hips, and I was so distressed and frusterated that I just broke down in tears. Looking back, I think it was dysphoria. I know why I prefer baggy jeans now, they make me feel more masculine. And to some, it makes me look more masculine. Now that Im older, I understand that I can't control how others percieve me and what I possibly could be when they first meet me. I can obviously control my presentation, I can control how I act and how to hold myself.