i am not ok

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@jessicabrian
i am not ok

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on a scale of one to ten how sad are you.
you almost say seven but the answer floats in your lungs like rising mud. you shift your shoulders. some part of you is already forming an excuse. that it’s not that bad sometimes. one, two, three on a day that the clouds are out. you’re just complaining about stuff. yesterday you laughed past a brick of a four, does that make the brick come down to a two-point-five. the solid seven panic attack of last tuesday feels somehow like a little thorn, just a regular day full of a gentle three-point-nine earthquake rocking after yesterday’s close-to-an-eight. see but if tomorrow you have a real bad day, it will make today look simple.
and what if. what if tomorrow it’s a big old red eight-point-nine. like one of those days where sirens are going off in every part of you but you’re stuck behind a glass window watching it all burn down. like one of those days that your skin against the air feels foreign. like too much of everything. like sitting-in-the-shower, like can’t-eat, like the tide isn’t just coming in, it came while you were sleeping and now you’ve gotta learn how to swim. like bounce me against a bullet hole kind of day.
you keep numbers like nine and ten way out of reach. those are for the people who really are suffering. you’ve got no excuse. nine and ten are funeral numbers, for real problems, not yours, no. and sometimes you’re fine. and you’re kind of used to it. and it’s not sad, it’s just numb like a television caught on static. numb like i can’t remember if i care about this. numb like nothing works but i can’t be bothered to fix it. that’s not sad that’s every day stuff. everybody feels like this, right? feels like they’ve been shut off. right.
maybe five. right in the middle. like not gonna shoot myself but i’m not wasting your time. a nonanswer. like could be worse could be better. like i need help but i don’t want you to worry even though i need someone to worry about me because i can’t worry about myself. maybe five. but what if five is too small. what if five is too big. what if -
“on a scale of one to ten,” he repeats into your silence, and then pauses. “and please be honest about this.”
And then it becomes part of the environment, That’s Just Where it Lives, until a bout of cleaning hyperfixation where you have to concentrate really hard on The Thing and the curse is broken.
me me mememememememe me ME
Don’t forget that once the Clean happens you now must live with the consequences of Where Did I Put That
THIS IS THE CUTEST SHIT IVE EVER SEENNNN

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Does anyone else love bad weather? Like the kind that’s loud and dark and draws attention to its self like pounding rain drops and thunder and lightning that seems just so close. And you can sit near a window and it’s dark outside and maybe you’ve got a candle lit or a lamp and it’s so warm inside and you’re wearing you’re favourite sweater and watching a good show or reading a good book and it’s beautiful outside the rain and the clouds and the sound of it all and you’re just so content and cosy and happy
KILLING EVE FIC MASTERLIST
oneshots:
here comes the rain again 🌸
the diary of an international assassin 🌻
i’ll fix you with my love 🥀
scared to lose you 🌷
come back to you 🌹
series:
circle in the sand 🌼
scars of our love 🌺
multi-chapter:
broken in two 💐
KILLING EVE SERIES REVIEWS MASTERLIST
season 1:
season 1 episode 1
season 1 episode 2
season 1 episode 3
season 1 episode 4
season 1 episode 5
season 1 episode 6
season 1 episode 7
season 1 episode 8
season 2:
season 2 episode 1
season 2 episode 2
season 2 episode 3
season 2 episode 4
season 2 episode 5
season 2 episode 6
season 2 episode 7
season 2 episode 8
season 3:
season 3 episode 1
season 3 episode 2
season 3 episode 3
season 3 episode 4
season 3 episode 5
season 3 episode 6
season 3 episode 7
season 3 episode 8
I'm sorry I broke our heart
Hounds
I gave the hounds what they wanted and now they sleep with bellies full of blood.

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Better than the big blues
I thought the ocean was the only thing that could soothe that inner ache that never went away.
I was wrong.
You bring me the feelings of a salty breeze and sandy toes.
Fragmented Lemons
The only reason I can hide from you is because of the distance. Everytime I hear your voice, read a message, or see a silly video I choke on the swell of my heart.
It skips a beat. I thought that that only happened in novels.
-
I think your love frightened me. What if I'm not good enough? What if you see me after all this time and I'm not enough?
-
I wish I was the one you laughed with and fell asleep by. I wish I could play with the strands of your hair. I wish I was there.
I'm tired of missing you.
“One of the most amazing things that can happen is finding someone who sees everything you are and won’t let you be anything less. They see the potential of you. They see endless possibilities. And through their eyes, you start to see yourself the same way. As someone who matters. As someone who can make a difference in this world.”
—
Bloodhounds
I run and hide and scream and cry but the hounds smell my blood.
They whisper words of love but I see the lust in their eyes.
Lust for the death of my soul.
I ran and hide and screamed and cried but the hounds ripped out my heart.
“I fell in love with her when we were together, then fell deeper in love with her in the years we were apart.” — Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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By: Bei Na Wei
This is my dream house
Nothing to Show
4 road trips, 13 plane tickets, and $50,000 later and I’m exactly where I started. nothing to show, nothing to say, and no where to go. Was there ever even a point?