I despaired, there's so much on my mind. I keep comparing myself, my life, to everyone else around me. But sometimes, I do feel thankful for what I already have.
I had ever had a messed up thought about committing a suicide since I was 16.
But I bet that's a childish me and that was totally a devastated joke.
When I was about 18, I had ever thought about that again, but I love my parents, my family. At least I simply want to see them happy because of me.
On July 19, 2017... I was on the lowest point of my life, knowing that my mom was never happy, I didn't pass my last step of my last exam, all of my close friends from high school betrayed and left me alone, and I was left by the person who loved me the most by my own fault. All I did were being selfish and judging myself in my room. So my mind played around thinking about what I was waiting for. I thought about committing a suicide more and more. I thought it was the perfect time but I hadn't done it.
On July 20, 2017... the next day, Chester Bennington of Linkin Park was found dead at his home. His dead was ruled a suicide by hanging. Coincidence?
On December 17, 2017... the problem was still on fire and hadn't done yet. So my mind played around again, thinking about what I was waiting for. I thought about committing a suicide again. But I hadn't done it.
On December 18, 2017... the next day, Kim Jong-hyun of SHINee was found death in his apartment. He committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning. Coincidence?
I knew this was a wrong thought. It was never a good solution. Even in Islam, it's a sin.
I believe, life is given to each person for God's purpose. And we can't decide when our purpose is finished and we should die, surely this is known only to God. So If we take or attempt to take our own life (suicide) we are trying to perform a function that belongs to God. We are being tested for as long as we live in this world. We should be gratefulness to God for whatever situation we are confronted with. Every situation is a test for us and Suicide isn't the way to be delivered from bad situations.
"And do not kill yourselves [or one another]. Indeed, Allah is to you ever Merciful." (Surat An-Nisā', verse 29)
God has made life sacred for human beings, and it is mentioned in Quran:
"Say: "Come, I will rehearse what God hath (really) prohibited you from": Join not anything as equal with Him; be good to your parents; kill not your children on a plea of want;- We provide sustenance for you and for them;- come not nigh to shameful deeds. Whether open or secret; take not life, which God hath made sacred, except by way of justice and law. This has He instructed you that you may use reason." (Surat Al-'An`ām,verse 151)
So, we can't easily take our life.
Also, There are many verses against suicide in the Qur’an. The following verses make the prohibition very clear:
• "And spend in the way of Allah and do not throw [yourselves] with your [own] hands into destruction [by refraining]. And do good; indeed, Allah loves the doers of good." (Surat Al-Baqarah,verse 195)
• "How can you disbelieve in Allah when you were lifeless and He brought you to life; then He will cause you to die, then He will bring you [back] to life, and then to Him you will be returned." (Surat Al-Baqarah,verse 28)
It even would bother so many people around me especially my parents. Well yes, the only reason I postponed this silly act was my mom, not to see her cry again.
And these are two beautiful place which inspired me to draw digitally withy me in it, one because simply it's in Japan, two because it appears in Lana Del Rey's Summerine Sadness.
Aokigahara Forest, Japan.
Resting in Mount Fuji's shadow, the world's second most popular suicide location. It's called “the perfect place to die,” the Aokigahara forest in Japan has the unfortunate distinction of being the world’s third most popular place to die by suicide. Since the 1950s, Japanese businessmen have wandered in, and at least 500 of them haven’t wandered out, at an increasing rate of between 10 and 30 per year.
I didn't visit this spot while I was in Japan, just pass by, but I would love to, definitely.
The forest sign as display in the picture above:
Life is a precious thing given to us by our parents. One more time, let's calmly think about our parents, siblings and children. Don't be troubled by yourself, please confide in someone.
Colorado Street Bridge, Pasadena, California.
Located in Pasadena, California, known as “Suicide Bridge”, the place where more than a hundred people have leaped to their deaths, yet it is also the inspiration behind countless paintings and photographs. That the bridge is still not jump-proof has more than a little to do with its intense beauty.
Lana Del Rey's Summertime Sadness gloomy-suicidal music video gave me inspiration to dig out all about this bridge. Thank you Lana.
I know nothing about life, I'm still looking for who am I, and when this thought gone or been done?
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