i am heaven sent

You said you wanted to stay friends and I laughed through the cracks in my teeth because here’s the thing: we were never friends. we were in love the second we met, fucking on your best friends floor the first night you saw me. we were never friends I was the ocean and you were the moon, pulling at me until I drowned in myself and loved you forever. we were never friends we were husband and wife. we were married thousands of years before, in another life, in harder times, we died in each others arms. Like lovers, not like friends. we were never friends I couldn’t get your kiss out of my fucking head. we were never friends, we saw stars in each other’s eyes and lit match after match to relight them when they burned out. I couldn’t let you go. we were never friends, you never called me to “hang out” you showed up at my door and underneath my window to hold me in your arms until I melted. we were never friends, friends don’t make you fall in love and then leave because they like the sound of your begging, tear cracked voice. friends don’t kiss you over and over again until you can’t go a day without it and then cut you off and smile at you anyway. friends don’t break you just because their father left when they were little and it’s all they know. friends don’t want you dead, and you knew this would kill me.

I can’t say loving you was easy. I can’t say it was easy like it’s easy to miss the sun during the winter and it wasn’t easy like loving the way leaves turn color in the fall. Loving you was so hard – but nothing, nothing, could compare to losing you. When you left my life it felt like you branded every inch of my heart with a different memory and then blew it to pieces. It felt like I had pieces of my obliterated heart just floating through my blood stream, and randomly, for no reason at all, some memory would make its way to my head and play behind my eyes like a movie screen. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to make it stop. Those technicolor movie showings made my day when you left. Every single day. The worst part - the absolute worst part of it all, though, was that if you had told me you wanted me back? If you had decided that suddenly my love was enough? Well. I would’ve dropped to my knees and stuck tape between my teeth and pieced every inch of my heart back together for you. I would’ve shoved my heart back into your arms and asked with tears in my eyes- God, please, please, make it better. I couldn’t bear to live my life through a movie that I didn’t know how to play the part for anymore.

I went on a date with a boy with the same name as you and I thought I could take it but I went to the bathroom after and sobbed so hard my knees started knocking together. I haven’t spoken to you in months but sometimes when I turn over at night I move a little to the right to leave you some room. I only ever remember in the mornings that I sleep alone now. You told me I hurt you but I don’t see your bruised knees. I don’t see you wrapping caution tape around your heart and veins.

It’s not. It’s not just a heartbreak It’s a separation of your ribs and your lungs It’s not caring about the heartsick songs And being burnt by the ones about love Hearing about what you don’t have anymore It’s going to a new place and taking a picture Because you know they’d like it But their number isn’t saved in your phone So you’ve got a picture in your camera roll with no one to send it to Crazy how you start feeling absence in the weirdest moments Like in the blank space of a return address or in the rolling credits of a movie you shouldn’t have watched alone And it’s not the heartsick songs that hurt It’s the songs that talk about love because Maybe it was just I love you’s but it’s still (What if I never feel that kind of love again?) Maybe it’s earth-shattering or maybe it’s crystallized pieces of your heart all over the floor but, either way, really, It’s not just a heartbreak.

Remember who loved you no matter how shitty you treated them.

1. It’s funny. Because we’re not together anymore, and we’re not in love anymore, but every single love song still makes me think of you no matter how long it’s been. 2. I don’t know why my chest still hurts when I think about you but I don’t want to throw up every time I picture you kissing her so let’s call it character development 3. I didn’t know that “forever” implied “forever until you’re too fucking hard to deal with anymore” but I really wish I did 4. I still leave space for you in my bed.

We emotionally manipulated each other until we thought it was love.

You say we’ll love each other next year when we aren’t so far away and I’ve learned how to drive but by next year my little brother could be dead and I’ll shake when I walk and have a lot of loose teeth or you’ll crash your car driving home one night from your girlfriend’s house and lose all the feeling in your fingertips so you won’t be able to feel me by the time you can finally touch my face and my hair will probably be a different color and you’ll be taller and probably in love with someone else and I’ll have stopped biting down on the tops of my pens and you’ll have given up on biting your nails and taken up smoking instead and there doesn’t seem to be much of a difference between sixteen and seventeen but there’s enough of a difference to change how you love me

But you were in the habit of playing songs over and over again until you wanted nothing to do with them and maybe that’s why you don’t call me anymore

It went from “oh god I’m so in love” to “jesus christ what have you done” and I didn’t know love was something you could just turn on and off like a fucking light switch but you’re in the dark and I’m still staring at the sun until I go blind and burn alive.