Jedilorian Space

I know that I'm a total fuckup.. but i'm human. I will screw up. I will do the wrong thing from time to time..

But I am TRYING to be better... I am TRYING to do the right thing and work towards my right path...

But I'm an overthinker... I have severe anxiety and moderate severe depression... and every day its a battle for me and my emotions and my head... and I still get up every. single. Goddamn. day to keep moving forward.

There is a new chapter starting on May 9th for me... and I know it's going to be a good thing. I just have the rest of my old chapters slowly closing down on me while i'm trying to work through all of this alone physically... (and emotionally /mentally i cant help but feel that theres a whole time that I am feeling that way...)

Im tired of feeling that I dont deserve love when i'm in this house... I'm tired of feeling that I am just not enough.....

I AM WORTH IT GODDAMNIT.

Can I just say... OH my god. This was freaking incredible. I was amazed with some of the predictions that some of my favorite MCU podcasters (Shout out to @newrockstarsofficial as well as #StrandedPanda with the MCU podcast...

Now the mere fact that they had the psych ward be the version of the Duat for Marc/Steven? Just seemed increeeedibly fitting. And I will not lie that Taweret? Is THE cutest Egyptian Deity that was there to help them grow and to go through their lives...

But the hidden darkness that Marc was hiding... about the death of his brother... as well as the fact one of his parents treated him horribly.. and degraded him so long... which was why that Steven was Created... to let marc Escape from the horrible point of his life.

I honestly feel for Marc creating Steven...because there is a huge part of me understands how Marc feels... only it isnt my mother that tells me i'm worthless... It's my worthless father.

However to watch Marc and Steven come so far, and to the point where Steven fell over into the Duat and froze in the sands of time? I won't deny my heart ached... it was a way that was helping Marc come to terms with everything he went through...

We start with the fact that Layla is trying to keep the two of them alive still. When Harrow's men come to find them... she has to leave the unconscious Steven/Marc where they are, and goes with the ol "flare in the open ammunition" trick and sets off the rounds.

You can definitely tell that Steven is feeling the inner need/desire for Layla because of the fact of how awkward (But adorable) it is with the two of them - leaving marc in the background over everything.

I have to admit watching the two of them (Steve and Layla) geeking out over all the information of Ammit's tomb and who it may be?

Then the whole scene with the zombie priests... holy shit that was creepy. I mean, i know its following what the priests had done for people with that. - and then when Harrow tried to push Layla's buttons to reveal the truth of the fact that Marc was there when mercenaries killed her father - and he was ridden with such guilt it was the reason why they grew close and he married her.

After they get shot by Harrow for not turning over Ammit's ushopti (which happened to be in the throat of Alexander the great... ugh) they end up within another place in their "head" - to where they arent familiar with who is real and who is not.. and Marc realizes that they're seperated. But he finds out where Steven's sarcophagus is there...

The above hug of the two of them was amazing... as you see up there... but the huge part...? Was This....

We start the episode with a bit of a Scene from the Mummy esque again with Harrow and his men working on unearthing the tomb of Ammit to retreive her stone statue - or as they call it the " " - and then it goes to Layla working on getting her "not so legal" passport reset back up to head out to Cairo to assist Marc/Steven with getting their hands on either the Scarab, or to just find Harrow and his men.

After going on a chase scene with Marc through Egypt, trying to find out the location of the tomb- and we learn that there is another more violence thirsty third member within the brain... (Jake?) that is not saying a word but putting in his two cents... even with the fact that it was messing with Marc and Steven - but then the one thing Konshu goes to do and is one of the first points that blew my mind was the congregation of the Ennead. It was rather brilliantly played out... though they didnt trust Konshu and Marc... but the words of the asshole Harrow.

So when Marc meets up with Layla in town.. you can see the strain that is between them in such a great feat of chemistry between the two of them- and when you see The Knight show. up to deliver the justice, and he and Layla get away with the map... you see the second wonder (And the one that gets Konshu imprisoned)

The illusion? Of the night sky changing back to the night over thousands of years ago to make sure to find Ammit's tomb.

Episode 2 - Summon the Suit 

We open the episode with Steven waking up in his bed with what he feels may have been a nightmare of what happened in the museum that night. Trying to speak to Marc again, and he doesnt say a word, he gets ready to head to work.  

when he saw the video tapes with his friend in security.. they saw no egyptian hound/jackal... no issues of a supernatural being.. just supposedly “him” leaving a mess in the museum... which eventually caused him to loose his job.  

So as he vents to the “living statue” in the park, he tries to see the next thing he should be doing, meaning going towards exploring the storage unit that happens to be “Marcs” - which is where they have another “heart to heart discussion” - and this is where Layla comes into play to introduce her into the mix. 

But in order for Steven to make sense of things, he was ready to turn the scarab over to Arthur, but went through the options of what he “had to say” .. and all i can say is the idea of Arthur Harrows twisted mind of a “eutopia” ? I agree on what Steven had told Arthur 

“I don’t condone Child Murder...” 

So that is when Arthur allows another Jackal to not only attack Steven, but Layla as well. Steven finds himself changing at first instead of Marc - but instead of the first garb that we saw at the opening... we then see him dressed up in a white 3 piece suit. He tries to hold his own with Layla - and in all honesty? Lands a pretty decent punch, but when the Jackal lands him against the bus, he looks up at the reflection to see Marc Beg him one more time.. to let him help, and then he conceeds. 

Now I wont deny when Marc takes over the body and the change starts to happen with it? Is a brilliant piece of CGI... its as if the mummy wraps start to formulate over his entire body, and you see the hero in his true form as he stares down the Jackal.  

And that? is when the battle ensues. Which Marc finishes of swimmingly...until he realizes he dropped the scarab amidst transfer. Which was retrieved by Arthur and his Zealots. 

Konshu now realizing that there is an issue, gives Marc (now still in the body form while Steven is in the mirror Verse) That if he gives up his option, the next “moon knight” was going to be ...and that is Konshus hold on Marc... is the fact Marc Loves Layla.. and that Layla is his wife. So what do they do to make amends of it all...? 

Episode 1- The Goldfish Problem 

Now when you first open the episode you see who is supposed to be Arthur Harrow (Ethan Hawke) as he is doing what seems to be a bit of a ritual with taking a drink of something either water (or vodka) as he then proceeds to crush the glass, pour it into his sandles, and then put the said sandals on and walk out of the room - cane and all. 

Now when it comes to me? I found this as a rather unique(and kind of creepy as hell opening) for the show...but then again? This particular Comic/origin story for these characters has a more Egyptian-esque feel about it all . However Ironically (taken from Screenrant.com) It turns out that the Glass in the sandal was all Ethan’s idea to make it the sole purpose to why religious zealot Arthur Harrow was walking with a cane. 

Creepy, unnerving, and bloody brilliant. 

And now.... we come upon Steven Grant... 

I won’t deny that throughout this episode that Oscar has done an amazing job at portraying the innocent and naïve Steven Grant... just your typical museum gift shop agent who has been dealing with his own feelings and situations of disassociate personality disorder (DPD) - and finds himself at times waking up in the most strangest of places.  Especially when you first see his “Wait where the hell am I??” Moment waking up outside the castle where they were... 

Now I think this option has been incredible with showing how a super hero can be like most normal, or should we use the topic “not normal” with real life mental health issues that all of us have to deal with, and how to figure out how to “live” with the issues and the mistakes that the “alter egos” are doing... but this one just happens to be a super hero/mercenary.

I honestly feel for Stephen, because of my anxiety/depression i know that living with a mental issue is hard as hell.. and I'm only just scratching the surface of what I’ve been dealing with for years without honestly understanding what I'm going through. 

But in all honesty my heart goes to Steven when he has his episodes of when Marc Spector takes over his body to save their hides and get him out of trouble each and every time. the flashes of not realizing what he was doing/what was going on can be that way for anyone that is going through the mental issues. 

**** 

There is just one issue that I truly have with the episode... is the fact that Arthur Harrow has the “scales” on his arm... but when it came to judgement and the scales... that power was that of Anubis alone. He was the only one that had the ability to judge the heart of someone by the feather of Ma’at... and when it came to those who were not judged properly, then Ammit was the one to devour their souls since she lived near the land of the dead and the scales. Hence why she was referred to as “The Great Death”  or “Eater of Souls” 

So is this just Kevin Feige giving the creative freedom to change things for it from the comics? Well.. it wouldn't be the first time that it’s happened, and it more than likely won’t be the last that it does. 

Now when it comes to the costume? I have to admit trying to take the “cloth binds of a mummy” look with the costume... it kind of works. We don’t get to see how it comes on to his body (until Episode 2) -- but it has a really awesome way of doing it.  

The way we end the episode is after the two attempts that Arthur tried to attempt at the retrieval of the scarab.. (first one leading in a mad chase) after that bringing in one of the “underworld hounds” after Steven, Marc Finally reveals himself to Steven in the mirror, and explains that he could save them... and we end the scene as he slowly starts to change and take control before the hound pounces on him before we fade to black.

For most of my life growing up... I’ve been a people pleaser. There. I said it. I admit it. I’ve done anything to please anyone else in the family or life because honestly? That’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve felt that I the true honest person that I am was worth anything to anyone and when I allowed my true self to poke through (for an example when i would get lost in my creative mind and would write fan fictions, or think about how some of these characters were amazing...)

Or even hell as an example, when I was growing up and i used to deliver papers on our local area of New York? I used to listen to my Star Wars Audiobooks and I would think of what would happen if the Millennium Falcon were to come from above the skies and then reach up and have Chewbacca’s arm reach down to pick me up and take me away! 

But when I was growing up, I was looked down at my overactive mind and imagination by my parents. That who I was? Was not what people wanted to know/see/etc.. That I needed to repress who I am. 

Not to mention I always wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt. I always wanted to desperately fit in that I was the brunt of any and all jokes. That I would see any method of attention directed at me where i thought someone appreciated me? But it turned out that they were full of shit. Growing up I was made fun of so many times... SO many times. 

And don't even ask me when it comes to any guy that I started to grow emotional attachments for... because when I found out that when i fell for someone and I learned they were just using me?  It ruined my self esteem and my feeling of self worth all the more slowly grow low and down. 

And then when it comes to my job? I will focus all my power and attention to my jobs.. its why most of my resume has where ive been with a job for 2 or more years. Before I go looking for another opportunity. Now with spectrum? I have been with them for 6 years already... but with the changing times of cable and the fact that people from the pandemic aren't able to pay for their services anymore and are cutting out things - like Cable services. 

But when I know my mind needs to focus on the task at hand.. I find that its overtaken with so much more messing with my brain when I’m sitting here alone and at home. 

What is wrong with me?  Why am I feeling these thoughts?  Why am I such a failure? Am I really going to succeed?  ....but I need to remember I am just in the midst of a major transition in my life, and even though I’m struggling right now (Especially in the midst of this panic attack ive been fighting through the last almost two hours on my own locked in my head)  I have to remember i’m on the path to try and do better for myself, and try my hardest to keep focused on what will be my path ahead

I won’t deny that after I separated myself from Chris - or as I call him the “Asshole Stalker” - It took alot of out of me because I gave everything to him (including my virginity) - and it turns out he took every part of me for that. And with him? It took alot for me to even trust him that way. 

And what happened after I gave him every part of me? He left... just like Stephen did. Just like Aaron did... just like my “Friends had” - everyone had always left me. No matter what. 

But its funny... that there is someone who has stood by my side like Steve had to Fiona, where he (Even though theres alot going on with him too (he hasnt honestly left left me at all... he’s stood by my side and hasnt left) 

There is still a LOT I need to learn about with everything going on with me and my path to healing what is going on with me... what more I need to do to keep working harder on healing myself and loving myself more. 

I can feel your teeth trying to lightly nibble on the edges of my cranium; the nerves firing as it shoots red hot fire bolts of electricity through my mind., and trying to drive my anxiety to a spiral.

I know you're trying to point out to me that I'm just not important. That I just don't matter. You're wanting me to give up, fall back, and allow you to possess me again to the point where I will just lay down and die internally to the chaos you've bestowed on my life?  

You've told me that no one would want a Christmas card from you... but when I woke up this morning? I had 3 people DM me their addresses. One of them? Was someone who was very nervous and paranoid about giving it out.  

Does he have a right? Of course, who wouldn't. But the fact that he entrusted me with an address to let me send a simple Christmas card from the Pub that we're thankful he's there? Works out for me.

…but the most important 'Fuck you' of all in your direction? Is the fact you were putting thoughts in my head about him.  

You told me he's too busy for me?  No shit... he was working a double. You said that I made him uncomfortable which is why he didn't message me normally? he was running late for work. 

So nice try... and you said he didn't have the audacity to let me know when he was back? He didn't get home until 1am and you see this?  *holds up the phone to no one in particular* 

… he sent that just as we fell asleep. Telling me he was home safe.  You're trying to tell me he didn't care to send me anything?  I know deep down if he was working this morning? He was running late from not getting enough sleep and if I'm patient enough... he'll reach out when he wants to.

Oh, and you manipulating and influencing the asshole to come in and start blaming me for taking the mail keys out of his van when I have not touched it since that one night? You can just go fuck off right now.

I'm not going to listen to anything youre trying to eat and rot away into my brain if I can help it today... so you? Can go kindly take a long walk off a short pier.

... what are you getting at?

.oO(Him. He doesn't love you. Not honestly. He just feels pity for you. He's only doing most of what he does to placate your emotions to make you feel safe.  It's not real. HE is not...real.)

… you do know its us that feels that don't you? Because we don't trust ourselves. We're the ones who don't love ourselves... we're the ones who are self-sabotaging our heart and mind. We've gone through so many years... feeling that we're not important enough...that we're not special enough... that we're not the ones pretty enough to deserve that type of love.

.oO(…what are you now getting on about?)

You see he? Is real. He may not be there 24/7 for me. He may not always be available when I exactly want or need him... but its because I let him do what he needs to do. He's a free soul. He has his own plans. His own points he wants to do. Just like we do. We may be buried in our own muck, mire and destructive tendencies.. but there is one point that I'm different from you.

.oO(....and what's that?)

Deep down... I know he loves me.

.oO(How do you know? )

He's shown it to me when we're together, even if its over the phone or when we're together.

I never ask for attention, even if i want it. I will tell him that I love him and wish him a good start to his morning...even if it takes hours til i hear from him.

But he reaches out to me? Because he wants. to. He takes the time to calm me down and try to help me get past my panic attacks...because he wants to.

He Takes the opportunities to spend time with me doing something special with me... because he wants to.

He takes my hand and interlocks my fingers with his...because HE Chose to. He's held me in his arms at night? Because HE wants to.  

You may make me try and doubt that he loves me... but deep down? in his own strange way.. I know he does. And that enough? gives me the strength to keep trying to fight forward to be something better of myself.