To the boy I fell in love with this past cherry blossom season.
It was ironic how we met at the start of spring, and our story ended when the cherry blossoms had disappeared.
The cherry blossoms' short-lived beauty seems to be a poetic reflection of our story. When the season came to a close, so did this crush.
When we first met, I thought you'd just be another passing face. Another person that came and went, but somehow we managed to grow closer than I ever thought we would.
You began to text me, and like a young teenager, I always became excited. I'd kick my feet and giggle at the sight of your goofy texts. Like that one time we somehow managed to both order pepperoni pizzas for dinner at the exact same time even though we weren't together.
When you'd ask me to hang out, I always made sure I was dressed to the 9's to catch your attention, despite my hair being overly grown-out and disheveled.
You'd ask me to hang out at spontaneously at night. You'd text me at 9PM to meet and we'd go to a bar together to drink and have the deepest talks. It's like I knew you from the inside-out in such a short amount of time.
What's crazy is that after we became friends, it's like we had this weird connection. We'd somehow text each other at the same time, we'd somehow end up in the same place at the same time, we'd somehow crave mints at the exact same time. As ridiculous as it sounds, we were sharing the same brain cell.
We continued to meet, and I was so happy you were always down to spend time with me even on weekdays. You'd even invite me to the bar you were working at while it was slow so you'd have someone to pass the time with.
One night, I invited you to sleep over at my place because you didn't live in town and just kind of couch (or bed) hopped at your FWB's places. The first time you slept over, I didn't think much of it. I saw you as just a friend, nothing more. And the night went by casually. We did nothing that night but talk, and I enjoyed your company.
However, the second night you slept over was when I started to realize I was catching feelings for you. And that's when the cherry blossoms began to bloom.
You had already fallen asleep, but I had become nervous sleeping in the same bed as you that I couldn't fall asleep at all.
That night, I remember turning over to you. The image of your face was blurred by my darkly lit room at midnight and the absence of my contacts. I reached my hand out to you, but I pulled back. I didn't want to scare you. I didn't want you think I was creeping on you.
The rest of the night, I couldn't sleep from a mix of nerves, adrenaline, and sadness. I took the bus to work later that morning with tears rolling down my cheeks which I tried hiding behind my mask and grown-out bangs. I was falling for you, but I knew I couldn't have you. It was happening again, just like all the other boys I'd fallen for before.
And then that night happened.
We were out drinking with my friends, and we managed to get pretty drunk. Sometime in the middle of the night, we were talking about how I never had my first kiss.
And you offered.
I wasn't holding back this time, I just wanted to get it over with. I had turned 30 and I still have next to no experience with anything, and if there was one person I'd just "get it over with," it'd be with you.
And we kissed. It was quick, but I'll never forget the look in your eyes before and after. And even in my intoxicated state, I'll never forget the warmth of your hand in mine building up to it.
Then towards the end of the night when I was waiting for my taxi, just the way you looked at me...
The cherry blossoms were in full bloom, and my feelings for you were at its peak.
I thought, maybe, it was only gonna go up from here. If he kissed me, he'd have feelings for me, right?
...
As we continued to spend time with each other, that's when I began to notice your biggest red flag.
You were always on the hunt for other girls. You were always looking for an opportunity to flirt with other girls to get them in bed. You were always swiping through girls on Bumble at night. You were always trying to up your potential FWB list so you'd have someone to fuck and have fun with.
As bad as it sounds, I was wishing that person you were hunting for was me.
You didn't know my feelings for you, so I had to hide the fact that hearing about all of the girls you have lined up for you hurt me. Hearing about how you fucked the girl at the bar you frequent was like a knife in my ears and heart. I hid my feelings well, but what can you expect from someone who's only liked other guys from afar his whole life?
And that's when the petals began to fall.
One night, I invited you to a gathering to meet my friends and you seemed to take a liking to them. And they seemed to take a liking to you. I invited you out for a fun wild night in Hongdae, because my friends were visiting and wanted to have as much fun as possible.
That first night out with my friends, I suggested we visit your bar so we can have a little fun with you since you couldn't go out with us because you were working. At first I thought this would have been a good idea...
But man was I wrong. So, so fucking wrong.
It turns out one of my friends--a really good friend at that--thought you were cute too, and the whole group knew it. So, they all made a dare for you to kiss her--for you to come out of the bar and kiss her.
And as the daring and adventurous individual as you are, you came right out of the bar and did it. You grabbed her face and kissed her-- made out with her right in front of my eyes.
In that moment, my world turned black. Everything froze. The world just became me and my two friends making out. I wanted to take my eyes off of him and her, but for some reason I couldn't. I just stood there, in shock, my heart sinking and breaking like a shattered glass vase thrown in the ocean. I wanted to kick and scream and cry and break every god damn bottle in that bar. I wanted to punch both him and my friend. I wanted to storm out of that bar and not come back and just spend the night bawling my eyes out in my room.
In that moment, I was mad at the world. Mad that the world had to show this to me right in front of my face. Mad that it wasn't me. Mad that despite the bond I had with him, I still stood no chance. Mad that I had to pretend as if I didn't care.
I fought all my feelings and, for the sake of my friends, I stayed out. My heart was shattered, but I fought the pain just so my friends could have a fun night.
After that night, I realized I am stronger than any other fucking human being on this god damn planet.
Having to watch the person I fell for show that much intimacy with another person right in my face and maintaining my composure.
I am stronger than anyone.
Petals continued to fall and the leaves of the tree began to grow, hiding the temporary beauty of cherry blossoms.
To this day, the image of them passionately kissing still scars my memories. And it still decimates every last inch of my heart.
...
After that experience, I still continued to spend time with you. Because I just wanted to be with you and be your friend. Because being your "bro" is all I could ever be. I couldn't be anything more.
The following weekend, my family came to visit Korea and my younger cousin wanted to party. I took her to your bar just to see you, and we talked as we normally did. I mean, you brought up the kiss and laughed about it, and I had to pretend it was funny, too. Other than that, we were our normal selves, nothing wrong.
Until later that morning.
I was still drunk when I got home, but by the time you called I was sobering up. But when you told me what happened, I wanted to be as drunk as I ever was. Because what you told me hurt so much.
"Hey Jed, do you know where I can find a hotel?"
"What do you mean? You can just stay over at my place if you need."
"No, I, uh, met somebody."
And that's when I hit my breaking point.
I told you to just "have fun," but what I truly wanted to say was "please, don't go and just don't."
As beautiful as our friendship was, I had to close the book. I had to cut the ties. I had to end everything. I couldn't handle it anymore.
I typed up a long message expressing how I felt about everything. I was still a little bit drunk typing it up, but I tried to keep my composure as I have been this whole spring.
I closed my eyes, and took in several deep breaths. I reminisced about all the amazing times we had. From our first meet, to the time we drank six days straight, to the night you slept over and I realized my feelings for you, to the time you met all of my friends and you guys just all clicked so well, to the time you kissed my friend in front of me, to the time you told me about how you were falling for the girl at the bar you like, to the time you tried teaching me a song on guitar even though you suck, to the times I would randomly pluck your white hairs cause you had so many, to the times I'd visit your bar cause you'd ask me to, and to the time that we kissed and held hands. I took in my last deep breath. And sent the message.
And ended it right there.
In that moment, the final cherry blossom petal had fallen.
The season came to a close. The trees became leaves and the blossoms disappeared. And so did this love.
Dear Heon-Yeong, I'll never forget you. And I'm sorry I have to let you go. I wish we could have been more, but it just wasn't in the cards for us.
Thank you so much, for everything. Truly.
