My Inner Thoughts

What if there's someone else?

What if you're still lying to me?

What if you're having a conversation with someone in particular?

What if you enjoyed talking to them?

What if this person has the looks?

What if they decided to ask you out?

What if you agreed to it?

What if you have a secret account posting contents about them and telling how much you adored it?

What if you have posts that are hidden about them? (I know it's private but still...)

...and it goes on.

It's not that I don't trust you—I actually do. But the possibilities are endless. I can't figure out which one is the right one. Not after saying "jokingly" that you are single.

You wanna know why I'm acting like this?

It's because I'm traumatized of people leaving me behind because I'm the problem or they found someone new, or even just being ghosted for no reason.

Rejection is really my weak point.

I'm just too fond of impressing people until they fall in love with me, until they decide that I'm no good or that I'm too boring.

I'm too afraid of that, yet it's still nonsense.

I'm nothing without someone who will truly like me for eternity. Disappearing myself is the only thing I could think of—and by that, I mean hurting myself because I feel like I'm no good.

It's too much. Yet I still need it.

I'm just a puppet being controlled by you or anyone else. If no one can operate me, I cannot move. I can't stand up with my own feet and do anything without being too dependent on somebody.

Same goes to you.

If you find yourself getting allured and entertained by somebody else and not me, then I'm useless.

What's the use of showing my efforts when it doesn't bring any effect on you watching?

I find it entirely hard to move on from this. I like overthinking it; it's because I'm assuring, and getting assurance feels good to me at least.

I hope you understand why I feel so low. I may not be perfect, but I'm trying to be one. For you. To exceed on your expectations about me.

I found you.

Sweet. Cute. Kind. Chubby.

You found me.

Average. Supportive. Kind. Flirty.

We found us.

Emotional. Sing. Honesty. Bubblegum-like.

I always thought of forgetting you. But I can't.

Your facáde, your eyes...

I want to let go of the thought that I want to be part of your life someday; sometimes I did accomplish it however, as you came passing by again, the thought of you keeps returning even though I don't want it anymore.

Your personality...

Sure, I found you likeable ad then all of a sudden, you turned cold on me for no reason whatsoever. I've been seeking that particular explanation because why? I still don't understand why you did it. Then again, what do I know?

It doesn't make sense to me, YOU don't make sense to me.

I just wanna get over it and move on to some things I value the most than just being the duck getting exhausted on following your trails hoping you would drop some crumbs.

No one to blame but myself

Probably because of my problems that took a major turn towards a path I wasn’t actually thinking of passing through

As soon as I walked that path, things got a lot worse than I’m only experiencing beforehand.

Talk shitting, ruining someone’s reputation, disconnection from the world I live in, stress, depression, fucking up everyone that surrounds me... It was terrible.

I’m won’t promise on changing anytime sooner because I don’t think it’ll be that easy. However, trying is the only thing I am slowly swallowing right now, and that’s going to take some time to gulp it all the way.

Violets are blue

There’s only 5 more days

Everything about me is wrong. THAT’S IT!

What did I do?

I don’t know what’s going on, and you’re claiming that I hurt you?

I didn’t do anything; I didn’t even try to talk to you like normally. What is it that makes you say that I hurt you? Did I talk with some other girl or something?

Look, I’m not mad. Just tell me what’s going on.

I just wanna know the reason why...