The part of myself I try to hide the most
Picture this scenario from a teenage guys perspective:
You're at a function or party with your friends and family. It's rather mundane, but it's not the worst party you've been to. You happen to spot someone you have never seen before, a girl who seems to be a similar age to you. She looks absolutely stunning, has a cheerful look to her, feelings start to swirl around inside of you. Suddenly, she notices you, smiles and starts approaching you. Your mind starts racing, thinking what you could say, what you could talk to her about, but it's hard to come up with anything because you are so distracted by her beauty. You are also incredibly worried, not because you're struggling to know what to say to her, but because you're afraid of humiliating yourself in front of her, as you have done in front of countless others growing up, trying to hide the Stutter that has always plagued your life up to this point.
She greets you, and the two of you tell each other your names and start to make small talk. At first, it seems to be going ok. Sure you stammer out a few worlds here or there, but she's still smiling at you. You think, "maybe she doesn't mind, maybe she understands your situation, maybe she's a really caring person who never teases someones faults..." You begin to relax a little, gaining a little more confidence as you chat. Perhaps she found the brief amount of stuttering flattering, as an indication to her that you have some feelings for her, hence the nerves causing the stammers while chatting. You learn a bit about each other, shes recently moved near by with her parents, and she's here to meet others in our age range and find friends in our area.
After several minutes chatting, she moves on to chat with a few others. Despite stuttering you feel your first impressions went well, but are also worried how she will feel about you if you continue stuttering and stammering in front of her. A little can be flattering to some girls, but as you've learned and experienced in the past, stuttering all the time is a problem. A Big, Humiliating Problem.
You see her chatting with some of your other friends, a few of them you were once really close with but over time drifted away. You feel like you have been left on the outskirts of this circle of friends, feeling as if you are often left out of a lot of their plans and gatherings. Of course you cannot completely blame them, as on some occasions you have declined their offers, but what you never mentioned was because you were feeling a little depressed and broken on those occasions, struggling to have normal conversations with people during those times. They probably think you are a bit of a cold person and a loner. As a result, you are not only self conscious about your stutter, but how people perceive you. You wonder if, through word of mouth, people see you as weird, different, or someone who wants to be left alone in life. It's true that you appreciate a bit of alone time every so often, but the truth of the matter is you just want to be normal, or viewed as normal. You also want to enjoy the company of close friends you can trust, and the close company, love and affection of a girl, who would love you as much as you love her.
You hear laughing that snaps you out of your train of thought, and look over to where it's coming from. You notice it's from the girl, and your 'circle of friends', even a couple of their parents. You wonder what was so funny that caused them to laugh as they did. A small, deep, dark part within you is making you think it's about you, perhaps relating one of your embarrassing or humiliating moments in the past, but you ignore it as much as you can thinking it's silly to be so self absorbed in such a negative way. However, in that moment you also realize that once again you are only on the outskirts, peering into the 'circle of friends', while not really being a part of it. Another thing you notice is the way some of the guys are looking at the girl you've grown feelings for, worried about unwanted competition to gain the girls attention, and more concerning to you, gaining her affection, her love, her heart.
A few days later, you meet up at a place you and your friends often hang out at, and meet up with the girl you like once again. She still has that beautiful smile she wore when she first saw you, so you're feeling rather confident despite knowing you're still going to struggle to appear normal to her. You manage to talk with her for a while about various things, such as likes, dislikes, hobbies, highschool stuff, future plans, and about this 'circle of friends' that she wants to be a part of. You tell her a little about the others, how you met them and some of the things you enjoy doing together (or perhaps more accurately, what you used to enjoy doing together when you were younger, when you felt you were a part of the group), while leaving out humiliating moments and the reality of your current position in this circle.
Afterwards at home, you think back on your meetup with her earlier that day, and you're happy that you were able to chat with her once again, but something tells you she sees you very differently from the first time you both met. Something about her mannerisms and expressions as the conversation carried on, how she appeared to react as you stuttered and stammered through a few sentences, trying to explain things anyone can say normally without trouble, but not you. Deep down, the negative part about you thinks this latest interaction has blown your chances of being with her, unable to even go out on a single date with her. In your mind, you're contrasting the look she gave you, the look on her face the first time she saw you, perhaps having similar feelings in that moment as you did for her, and comparing it with the last look she gave you earlier that day. Even tho she never said anything about how she felt about you, the body language and looks she gave told you everything you need to know.
Trying to stay optimistic, you think about maybe getting her a present, and ways you could help her after moving into this new area. Maybe you can show her what sort of person you are, that despite the stutter and challenges around having a normal conversation, you can show her that you are a kind and caring person who helps others no matter who they are. You find a bracelet that you think she would like, not stupidly expensive but not a cheap one either, and wrap it up as a little surprise for her. Not long after you find out there's a party your friends arranged, and decide that's where you will give her your present. Before going, you rehearse and practice talking at home, coming up with things you want to tell her and say to her, from general conversations to how you are going to open up your feelings to her. However, you have never had issues talking alone in front of the mirror before. In fact you never stutter or stammer whenever you have talked to yourself in private, and as a result you worry that all the effort is in vain as it has never really seemed to help in the past. Despite this, you try to remain positive.
At the party, you find that both you and her seem to be some of the early ones there. You greet each other and are glad to see that she still smiles at you, but it seems a little different than before. The next few people that arrived is a guy you were friends with for several years, with his older brother and sister. There was a time where the two of you were quite close, perhaps even referring to each other as best friends when you were kids. That was a very long time ago tho, a distant memory that you sometimes question if it were true, if you were actually best friends. You notice something strange, the way he greets the girl you like. It's hard to describe how they greeted each other, as if referencing older times where a cowboy would tip their hat towards a lady, performing or acting that action with his hand while not actually wearing a hat. At first you think its an inside joke, but it won't be until several years later when you look back at a certain social media chat that you were not a part of, that you were never a part of, realizing the reference at the party, realizing all your fears, realizing you were always on the outskirts of the 'circle of friends', never actually a part of the circle.
During the party, after everyone had arrived, you spent a brief amount of time with your group of friends, but most of the time you made small talk with some of the older ones there, stopping to chat with these ones when getting a bite to eat or something to drink, doing a decent enough job of hiding any stutters and stammers, varying the pace of your speech while avoiding words you know you will have a "block" on. This filled you with a bit more confidence before heading back to the 'circle of friends', confidence to talk with the girl you like once again, hoping for a chance to give her the gift and offer help with anything while shes still getting used to the area. You get close enough to hear what everyone is talking about, but realize they haven't noticed you yet. Their current conversation gets your attention, and before you make yourself known to the circle, you notice you're referenced in the conversation. You decide to listen before saying anything.
Apparently, it was obvious to everyone that you had feelings for this girl. At first, it was apparently cute, and a little funny how you stuttered your way through earlier conversations, but the comedy of it died off after a while. She didn't want to be rude, and the attention you were giving her was getting a little annoying to her. She thought you were fairly handsome when she first saw you, but felt nothing for you after chatting and learning about you. Another in the group mentioned a humiliating moment of yours in the past, that this was not the first time trying to get close with a girl. No one defended or tried to speak up for you in this moment, just snowballing into a big negative picture of what they thought of you. At this moment, you still haven't made your presence known, still eavesdropping on a conversation that was slowly ripping your heart out. You phase out for a moment until you heard the girl you liked talk again, asking about this other guy who you knew to be an asshole, hearing her saying he's kinda cute.
You couldn't stand it any longer, and left the party early. At home, you sit on your office chair, glass of whisky in one hand (which you had poured for yourself from your fathers stash), the bracelet you got as a gift in the other, and a couple of wet lines on your cheeks that trailed down from the tear ducts of your eyes. Looking at the bracelet in your hand, you begin thinking again what could have been had it not been for your disability, what could have been if you could talk normally, to speak and express yourself like everyone else. A grain of comfort is knowing that there is actually nothing wrong with you, in the sense that there's nothing physically or medically wrong with you. Going to a speech therapist as a kid, they found nothing wrong with you, no medical excuse for the stutters and stammers in the first place. It all came down to your own confidence when talking, which was once again ripped away after hearing those words from the outskirts of your 'circle of friends'.
After weeping alone in the dark and finishing your whisky, you bury the bracelet inside a drawer, you will decide what to do with it later. Deciding to have an early night, you go to bed. Before laying down you check your phone, but find no messages or notifications, your "friends" probably don't even realize you left. That night, you have a dream about giving a girl your love, literally giving your heart to her from your chest, only for it to be rejected. You're sitting there, heart in your hands as it slowly pulses. It turns into the shape of a love heart, before crumbling into several pieces in your hands. You know you can give so much love and affection for someone, yet you doubt it will ever happen in reality. You wake up in the morning and contemplate the weird dream you had. Next, you check your phone, but once again found no message or notification. While lying in bed for the next hour, you contemplate what you will do next, how you're going to move on from this humiliating moment in a crucial development moment of your life. In order to try and gain back the needed confidence in your life, you decide on taking one very important step, to sever yourself from the 'circle of friends', let it roll far away from you, to never let it hurt you again.
This story is a work of fiction, but based on true events and feelings I had in my teenage years, growing up as a stutterer.
Friendships are super important in our younger years that can lead to many happy moments and memories, while building someone up to be confident in life. However, everyone has a different experience. Many who thought they had "friends" have ended up realizing they weren't actual friends. As a youth, it's sometimes hard to understand and tell the difference until it's too late. Growing up can be cruel and hard, and effect us in ways that is hard to imagine for the average person.
I've learned such experiences and trauma is how many develop their kinks in life, their fetish for certain things and scenarios.
Perhaps this is one of several reasons why I share a kink for ABDL, to relive and remember a time where I wasn't hurt by such "friendships", a time where I was often happier and ignorant of stuttering in front of people I love and care about.
It's fascinating how our youth shapes us into who we are today. I grew up to be a generally cautious person, often letting my actions speak louder than words. Today I'm mostly able to hide my stutter, but there are certain times and situations where I struggle to hide it.
