The Kaleidoscope System

So, this is a good time to mention that I’m not the most reliable updater.

Sorry.

Several minor breakthroughs since my first post. Firstly, I’ve finally ‘come out’ about the others to several of my closest, most trusted friends. They were varying degrees of not-completely-surprised, and overall accepting of who I/we am/are. (Hmm. Pronouns... confusing.) Hopefully, this will help me to relax and let the others have their voices heard a little more in the world. It certainly excites Blue, being as she’s already the most active of them, but hopefully it’ll be good for all of them. I would like to see Philip more, and I know Nathan could use some actual human connections again.

Speaking of Nathan, I’ve had an update from him recently. See, he and I are, as I already explained, cut from the same cloth. He used to live in another place, and sometimes I’d see it in my daydreams, and I built his life into a game for myself, as a coping mechanism when I was eleven, after my mom got sick. But it was never a game for him. And it’s left scars. Anyway, he’s with me now, but sometimes he gets updates. He never really stopped being there, but he’s not there right now; it’s really very confusing, but the long and short of it is that the Nathan in my head is having a whole life in the other ‘here’, and sometimes he gets flashes of all of that. And when he gets flashes, I get them, too, because at the core, we’re the same, so we share these things. The last set were pretty bad, and he’s in mourning. One of our close friends and teammates died, back in August. We just found out. He’s better now, but it was pretty traumatic at the time.

I stumbled onto a great tabletop game, and after talking to my SO (yes, I have a real-life, actual companion in my life. Going on almost six years of marriage), have begun diving in to OVA, an anime-styled flair-driven system I am liking more and more since I found it. Why am I including this in this post? Because a funny thing happened during it. I’m making a game for my SO and I, and some of the others want to play, too. So each of us has a character except Fury and Fang, for reasons. I’m filling in the blanks on the pdf character sheets I downloaded, and I’m putting player names in, and I put my name in mine, and I went to write Blue’s up, and recently she remembered her last name (she’s the only one who currently remembers her actual birth date, either), so I put that in, and Nathan has a different last name because he changed his name, and Jay Jay is just little me, so it’s the same as mine. But the others couldn’t ever recall theirs, no matter how hard we all tried to jog memories. Well, while filling out the sheets, I went to ask who was playing which character, and as I went to fill them all in, Garrett and Philip and Ben started just giving me last names, and everybody started to get more excited as they came out. So, now everyone has their whole name! It sounds kind of dumb, but it was pretty exciting for them.

As for things that excite, Blue has always enjoyed driving. She told a friend the other day that ‘it was the only time I let her out when she’s not with [my SO]’, which is totally not true, btw. She loves it, though. She has the open road to do whatever with, and no one cares if she sings along with the radio, or dances at stoplights. We just got a new car (story behind that, I’ll tell it when I’m less exhausted). It comes with memory keys for seat adjustments, so you can set it for more than one driver. Guess who made sure to set herself up in the number two position? I can tell when it’s set for her, because she leans way back and pulls away from the pedals. I don’t know how she drives like that at all. I don’t feel comfortable like that.

I want to make life more comfortable for all of us to work together. It’s not always easy, but progress comes by not giving up. Baby steps are still steps, even when they feel unsure and wobbly and directionless. We just have to keep walking. We’ll get there, and it’ll have been worth the struggle, you know?

Sinusitis. Ack. The first time I’ve gotten sick enough to warrant narcotics (just codeine, no worries) in my adult life, I think.

The drugs are making my brain feel like a tiny car trying to navigate through a foggy backwoods road into the mountains with a gps that keeps losing signal.

Ben had to help me up out of the shower today. I was too light headed to get up after trying to steam my sinuses clear. Garrett keeps reminding me when my tea gets low. Not that it stops me from forgetting to refill it for like two hours, anyway, but he tries.

Drinking tea by the litre, and I’m still dehydrated. How much mucus can one human produce? ugh.

On top of feeling gross, I had to miss a wedding today to go to the doctor. Super disappoint. :(

On the more awesome side, I just found this app called LifeRPG. It lets you set tasks you need to accomplish as ‘missions’ that reward you with experience and skill buffs, and give you gems you can spend on self-allotted rewards. Basically it turns my life into a video game. Which feels right, somehow.

More to come. Have to take some more medicine. Whee. Gonna try and sleep. Later, world.

Oh! Hello there. Sorry, I didn't see you. I was just in here discussing with my... my... well, I was discussing how best to introduce myself. I'm Jay. That's not my real name, but it is the one that most easily points me out in this group. What group? Well. Um. Hmm, I suppose... it wouldn't make much sense, now would it? Not without context, at least. Ha. How to begin... At the beginning, I guess. For most of my life, I have been a hyperactive, extroverted, immature omni-nerd with a zeal for life and a matching capacity for missing the point. Still am, really. Life is what it is, but as time has gone on, life has increasingly resorted to stress and strain to try pushing me into line with the rest of the rabble. I push back. My subconscious decided that the whole 'one mind, one body' thing was making life harder. So, I looked deep inside myself, and I found the others. Or maybe they found me. Or perhaps they were always there, and I just woke them up. It's all rather fuzzy, really, and they all have different answers for it, to boot. Regardless... Within my head, there is, for lack of a better word, a room. There isn't much in it. But it has a door. You see, I'm not alone up here. I don't think I ever have been, but it's only recently that I learned it. They live up there, somewhere, and sometimes they wander into the room, to talk, or look around, or even borrow me for a bit, if I'm okay with it. It's all a very mercurial relationship. So, then, I suppose I can introduce ourselves, now you understand a bit.

There's me, Jay. He's the me I identify as me. The deep, true, me that everyone thinks is me, because that's who I think is me, and that's who I've been for most of my life.

Nathan is who I became, in another life. The other me. That life looks a lot cooler on tv. Dealing with aliens, supervillians, and secret government types day in and out is really stressful, even if you have electrical-based superpowers and a team to support you. He's like a more serious me, and he has a keen outlook that helps me keep things in perspective. Nate's sad sometimes, but after all he's been through, I don't blame him.

Jay Jay is the inner child I developed from necessity, because my outer child kept growing. He's about 5 or 6, I think. He likes all the finest things in life: dinosaurs, rocket ships, and things that light up and make cool noises. In short, he is cooler than most of us will ever be, by default.

Garrett is a few years older, a few miles wiser, and a few pints more British than I am. He used to manage a shipping warehouse in southwest London before we met. He's rather sagely, and tries to be everyone's best mate. He likes good whiskey, shapely legs, and darts.

Philip is also British, but he's from west of Birmingham, and he's very proper BBC in speech. He doesn't come out much, but he's very good at watching. He's a field scientist who used to work for a very top secret agency that dealt with the supernatural. He likes lists, and organizing things, and nut spreads with pretzels.

Ben is the poster boy for good kids from the bad part of town. An antihero-type from east of LA, he's lewd, angsty, and short on patience for the idiots of the world. Plays the drums, likes free-running and post-hardcore music. Misses smoking, but begrudgingly concedes my desire to avoid addiction. Surprisingly good with kids and animals.

Blue is unique, even in this bunch. The others are at least human. Blue is a vulpine, a bipedal anthropomorphic fox with blue and white fur, and has the distinction of being the only female in the bunch. An ex-party girl, she radiates sex appeal like a supermodel. She's also compassionate, fiercely loyal, and romantic in ways that should only work in movies. She loves dancing, cooking, and anything sensual. She spends the most time 'out', besides me.

Fang is Blue's brother. Okay, two non-humans. He's not quite like her, though. He's a fox, like, a normal one, only about 6 feet high and over 9 long. He doesn't talk much. He's simple, and very soft, but don't let either fact fool you. He's wild. Feral. He wants what any animal wants; food, comfort, play, sex. Maslow basics.

Fury is a giant of a thing, full of rage at practically everything. He is a juggernaut, capable of destruction and pain on a terrible level. He knows this, and so tries to keep his distance. He also knows when to step out. Anger can be a powerful tool when it's directed the right way. He believes this as strongly as he rages, and holds the anger inside until it can be properly turned against a problem or enemy to best effect. He doesn't like much. Mostly, meditation and being left alone.