Okay, there was no way you were going to deal with this ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. Oh, so you decide to take matters into your own hands. You decide to tell this asshole a little story you found.
“alright, hold the phone–let me tell you a little story here. life or death, you need to listen to what i have to say carefully. lives depend on you listening to this.”
Alright, time to #waste this dude.
“So I got into a fight today at Wal-Mart.
I was standing at the magazine rack, pulling the discs out of OXM outer wraps…basically just minding my own business…and then some kid wearing a Soulja Boy shirt stepped to me quite improper
first off, he bumped me.”
“second off, he flipped the edge of the OXM I was pilfering, in a threatening way as he passed, and then goes… PS3.. fayg.
i was like…‘yeah, I’m brand neutral but you don’t need to inform me that you suck off your friends for free, because that’s already obvious. thanks for bumping into me though, dickface’.”
“actually i only got to the ‘friends for free’ part and he was all up in my face, grabbing the magazine out of my hand and telling me how his older brother was gonna kick my ass.”
“i DID think of the rest later on though
now, normally i try to avoid violence – mostly because my awesome Puerto-Rican Judo and Brazilian Jujitsu skills must be kept in check, or they could cause serious damage. if i punch the ground hard enough, I’m pretty sure i could split the world in half…or at least knock some stuff off a table nearby. but this kid was asking for it, so i lulled him into a false sense of security by apologizing and assuring him that i would procure an ice cream cone of any flavor he chose, as a peace offering.”
“this seemed to confuse him, but make him cautiously optimistic about the situation, which is when i chose to deliver a jumping front kick to his throat, knocking him back several feet into the Young Miss section where he got tangled up in a Bratz bed canopy and then lurched sideways into rack of Stussy activewear…JUST AS I HAD PLANNED!”
“since he was incapacitated, i reached behind me for something large and heavy to pound his face with.. but it was all sheet sets, bedspreads, duvet covers and such…when i turned back around he was already back in my face and he had a hanger in his hand. i managed to block the first shot with my left arm, but when i tried to counter with a right jab, he got me in the ribs with the end of the hanger and dropped me to one knee….which left me open to vicious and repeated face kicks, followed by a Garmin GPS display unit to the head.”
“at this point i really needed to even things up so i went for the double hammer fist to the nuts….a staple move from the knees…cliche really – but i admit i was desperate. i wasn’t gonna let a punk in a soulja boy shirt beat up an awesome American like me, wearing American flag shorts, a wife beater, flip flops, mirrored sunglasses and rocking a sweet dragon chain around my neck. the second i made contact, he grunted and crumpled to the ground like a sack of wet grass.”
“for a moment or two i considered continuing the pounding to get even MORE even, but then a Wal-Mart employee (surprisingly!) showed up and asked if anything was wrong.
i looked at her, then back down at soulja punk and said “no, nothing’s wrong. but could you do me a favor?”
“she said ‘no’ and turned around to walk away, unconcerned that an unconscious person was laying in the aisle surrounded by defaced Wally World merchandise…but i pretended like she said ‘yes’ and stayed to listen, so i could make my exit the proper way.”
“i turned back to the crumpled loser who was starting to rouse from his coma of nut pain and said triumphantly as i stepped over him ‘I need a price check….’ then stopped to push him back to the ground with my foot as i continued ‘…on bitches.' “
“i wrote the OXM discs off and left through the outdoor gardening area exit feeling like i had just made the world a better place…because i had.“
You adjusted your shades, offering a smirk.
