JARJARBIEBER

so, a million years four months ago, @cantatrice1​ sent me an ask:

Is Sese a fandom nickname for Sergio, or is it actually used by teammates? Any other cool nicknames or stories about nicknames? I cracked up at ‘melon’ for Iker, and of course there’s 'besugo’ for Mesut. My favorite is Chori, but that’s cause I give it a dirty connotation.

it was a great question, and exactly the sort of pseudo-relevant nonsense i love talking about on this blog. unfortunately, i quickly realized my answer would be…extensive. it’s taken me this long to do the topic justice, but @realwhitegold​ is nothing if not thorough. so here goes!

first things first:

 despite what tumblr/fic would have you believe, “sese” is a fandom nickname only. as far as i’ve been able to find, no one on the team calls sergio that. 

it’s actually super frustrating for me - i have no idea where the name came from, but it’s wrong and it just won’t go away!

as for actual nicknames, one of the best places to start is a feature that marca did on this exact topic, back in 2011: 

here are some highlights from that article:

apparently at this point the chosen nickname for mesut was “Nemo”… you can see the resemblance above.

iker was known as Capi, but some players also called him “Culote”... marca says, “It’s unclear whether it’s an allusion to the size of his hindquarters or to his luck.”

sergio’s nickname was “Cuqui.” roughly translated to “cutie” or “sweetie,” it was his nickname in his family since childhood, and the team adopted it from them.

cris was “Máquina,” because of what marca calls his “power, strength, ambition and hunger to win.” arbeloa, similarly, was “Robocop,” for all the time he spent working out in the gym.

xabi was “El señor.”

esteban granero, known as “Pirata” for his pirate goal celebration, was also known as “El Bohemio” because of his hipster, retro taste.

the article also reported that the other players called kaká “Ricky.”

in addition to this list, the players have also shared a lot of other nicknames for each other over the years, in interviews and over social media. here are some more that i love:

iker: “San Iker,” obviously. but my favorite nickname for him is “Melón.” always “melon.” 

xabi: “trufas.” (“Truffles!”)

cris: “Bicho.” (“Bug.”) this is also where jese’s nickname of “Bichito” (“Little Bug,”) came from – he was the miniature cristiano!

carvajal: “cabeza kiwi”, aka, “Kiwi head.”

isco: “Magia,” aka, “Magic.” lucas vazquez also calls him “PintxIsco,”  a smush of isco’s name and “pintxo,” which are little basque snacks eaten with a toothpick.

marcelo: “Marce,” or “Marcelinho”

varane: “don limpio,” or “Mr. Clean”

arbeloa: “Espartano,” aka, “Spartan.” Also he often referred to himself as “Vareta,” or “Vareta Fly,” a nickname from his Liverpool days.

keylor: instead of calling him “keylor navas,” they call him “Keylor Paras” (a pun meaning, “Keylor Stops [the ball]”) 

(note that this is only a list of nicknames that players have used for one another, as opposed to those the media uses, like “The Dark Invader”or “ 

of all the players, sergio probably has the most nicknames: Cuqui, “Churu,” “El Kaiser de Camas” (the town where he’s from), “Tarzan de Camas,” etc. and while “El Gitano” seems to also be a popular nickname for sergio on social media, the only player i can find actually using it was Antonio Puerta, his friend and teammate at Sevilla who died of cardiac arrest at 22. more often, it’s used as an insult (the word itself is racist), such as when barcelona fans chanted it at sergio in the camp nou. it’s interesting that “sese” and “gitano” seem to be the nicknames that fandom likes the most for sergio, even though the evidence supporting both of them is weak.