jane

my cat hates me.  she immediately licks herself after i kiss her.  her name is lily.  actually i think she isn’t mine. my dad, i mean my horrible, cheater, liar dad would choose lily over me since she can cuddle him without being disgusted. and if you wonder about my mom, it’s so obvious. her favorite daughter is my older sister. she has a highlight of my sister with her name on instagram. she loves her. my mom didn’t ask how I was doing for the passed two days I’ve been away.  she didn’t call. and i spent the night in a rabbit hole. it was dangerous. she doesn’t like me. i’m the second most favorite daughter. my sister is stunning. she’s the center of the world. and if you ask her, i’m fat. i’ve always been. she chose to visit her husband’s family before us.  she doesn’t miss us.  i have no other sibling. yesterday, me, my friend and his boyfriend decided to hang out.  it was lonely. i had no one to hold me.  my mom didn’t call.  there is this boy that i love.  i just believed that he is able to understand what i am. i mean, what i feel. he did not find me worthy and enough committing to.  i was thrown away like a trash so many times.  didn’t keep count tho.  i just know that my tears have run dry. i’m a loser not just because i am not able to keep people around me but i struggle giving up on them too.  i kept talking to him even though i knew he was a liar. i knew that he doesn’t love me. i’m ashamed to talk about my non-existing dating life to anyone. i’m just alone. i need somebody but they are simply not there. what a fool i am to expect. i went to my dorm by myself and the place was empty.  no one was waiting for me or worrying about me.  i know nothing is about me. i just don’t worth it. i know. i wonder if there is a fixed place for everyone. maybe destiny does exist.  and mine is pathetic. everybody finds me awkward, worthless, exhausting, difficult and intelligent.  they are mesmerized of my skills to cope since they never had to handle things all by themselves. and when it comes to me, it’s hard to say. rivers keep flowing cause they aren’t aware, and ravens are angry at me.  silly i am, and in fact so little to say. i despise me.