you should be able to go home early if youre a little tired and want to smoke weed
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Not today Justin

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@jampharos
you should be able to go home early if youre a little tired and want to smoke weed

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definitely still grieving over my roommate
i know she cared about me. i am a hypervigilant, traumatized person with difficulty regulating my emotions. i am not the kind of person you can fake caring about, both because i am hyperaware of when i'm pissing people off and because i am not an easy person to care about
and i don't think she's a good enough liar to fool me. i think she did care about me. i think she struggles to accept that she cares about people. for someone who constantly told me she doesn't need people and doesn't really care about them, she was constantly surrounded by people.
people who don't need, want or care about people don't regularly visit their coworker to cook for her and her family and watch movies with their kids. they don't bring over their expensive, imported, special interest merch so the kids can play with them. they don't go out of their way to patiently support their deeply ill friends. they don't spend spend most of the time they spend gaming playing with other people
if she didn't care about me i wouldn't have noticed how she hung out with me for more than twice as long as normal on her last few days here. i wouldn't have noticed how after a slay the spire run where she'd normally leave, she instead asked to do another run or watch tv.
it's hard to hold all of these things at once.
she is my friend. i care deeply for her and she cared deeply for me. she was a good, stable friend to me. she was reliable and steady. despite being a person who isn't very emotionally expressive, hates physical touch, and is different from me in very fundamental ways - i could feel that she loved me. i know what it's like to just be tolerated, and it doesn't feel like love.
and yet she did this. she removed herself from my life with no warning whatsoever. she completely disappeared. i don't think she did this because she doesn't care about me. i think she did this because she does care about me, and maybe she was worried she'd miss me, and maybe this was her way of proving - to me, to herself, to the world - that she does not need people and does not care about them.
that's why this hurts. i can't believe she doesn't feel guilty about it. i wonder if she's burying that guilt like she's burying the care she feels for people. i wonder who all she ghosted when she moved away.
it's so hurtful. i'm so hurt, and i'm angry, and i'm worried, and i'm grieving. i miss my friend. i'm very worried about my friend. i hope my friend is okay.
i know her life has not been easy. we are both trans and autistic but we have very different experiences of both of those things. from the very little she ever told me of what her early transition was like, i can see how that alone can lead to a lot of issues forming healthy relationships with anybody.
but fuck, i want her to be okay. i want her to realize she loves and misses me, and that i love and miss her, and that all of those things are okay. i want to hear her voice again, i want to play video games with her again, i want to laugh and joke with her.
i want her to see that she is loved, not just by me, by a lot of people. i want her to know that people love her for who she is, and not just for the masks she wears. i want her to know that i am incredibly hurt over what she did, but when i hold that one action up against 7 years of friendship and 4 years of living together, i still see her as someone who consistently supported a lonely, traumatized, unstable friend.
ghosting someone like this is such a fucked up and hurtful thing to do, especially to someone you know has deep seated abandonment issues, and yet it doesn't come close to how much her kindness benefitted me over the years. this is why i can't believe she doesn't care about me.
like the betrayal’s always going to be worse if they cared about you and it didn’t matter. someone discards you because they didn’t give a shit, then you can be angry about that, you can feel vindicated in that, you can get over it. but if they can look you in the eyes and say “I love you. I would make the same choice again.” You will never sleep peacefully again, is all.
“I thought they cared about me, but they were lying this whole time.” <- tired. boring. removes all the nuance of this relationship to make it easier to move on from.
“I thought they cared about me, and I was right, and every minute they were there for me, every time they said they were proud, every laugh we shared leaning against each other bruised and breathless, all of it was real. and they still left me behind. They could put their love aside. I couldn’t.” <- insane. will never leave you alone. reminds you that even the worst people are still people and can still care about even the ones they hurt the most and that undoes neither the harm nor the love.
what's the fandom consensus on erin brill. i feel like the show wanted me to hate her but even as a jimmy defender every time erin was on screen i was on her side
Tony Dalton as Lalo Salamanca in S04E10 of BETTER CALL SAUL

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watching bcs as a fujo is so funny too bc james mcgill has such an impenetrable aura of heterosexuality that it managed to have a scene that was extremely homoerotic from one character's pov but not at all from his
hamlin's obsession with jimmy seemed very gay but in a way that just instantly evaporates when jimmy is in frame. I don't know how else to explain it. the fucking boxing scene
anyway apparently tony dalton said lalo had a thing for jimmy and despite him making comments about his Fucking Mouth i completely missed any subtext because of, again, the impenetrable aura of heterosexuality surrounding james mcgill
they're trying to make you hate sex and porn and hate being fat again therefore it is imperative that all fatties fuck nasty in the streets 2day
my biggest takeaway from better call saul
lalo + being in physical pain when he tries to form a thought.

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it's fucked up how hot they made lalo salamanca
Don't eat me by Otama-shimai
10/10 to whomever made this prop for better call saul. those are reasonable meds in reasonable doses and even dosed at the right time of day. it shows flexibility around the time he actually takes it but the sertraline/clonazepam are always at the same time, and the quetiapine/clonazepam at bedtime. it's such a small detail and it was only on screen for a second, none of these meds were ever even mentioned by name. wild

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all of my writing is actually just thinly-veiled fantasy about being seen at your worst and still being loved