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@jalybest
Est 2012, when I had my first and only mammogram, and everything changed. Within one week I had a double mastectomy, within one month I lost my hair, within one year I lost all reproductive organs. I still post occasional mentally ill cancer dispatches, but I'm mostly on Tumblr to self-soothe with gifsets and song lyrics.
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I know this is dark. I know it is truly awful. But sometimes, when my life is difficult to manage, I yearn for the days in treatment, when I worked less, rested more, and felt cared for. When people showed up for me, and understood me, and forgave me*.
This is why I know it's time to pursue a mental health LOA at work, and start looking for other options. I see my doctor in two days.
*during that time, I asked one of my best friends how I was going to manage life when people stopped caring about my cancer, and by extension, me? She told me that everyone would let me down easy. She and I no longer speak.
My relationship with the Wayne State breast cancer survey is longer than many of my friendships. Once again, I am pleading guilty to the chemo aphasia charges. It's been nearly 14 years of losing words. It hasn't gotten better, it only gets worse.
I woke up in the middle of the night with an intense itchy discomfort in the place where my left tit once was. Something subdermal. Subterranean? Subconscious? It's still there, if I think about it. A tightness. At the skin, it's just red scarring, with a little bump. Old stitch material, forgotten? Making its way out of me?
I hate this.
One of the many reasons I love Craig Finn's songwriting: his humanizing and reverential treatment of the Unhinged Woman (mentally ill, drug addict, sexually uninhibited) as character archetype. The Hold Steady is very much a "guy's band" but they shouldn't be. Three quarters of their output is about how this woman, even when rendered through the eyes of a male narrator, is SO compelling in her irreducible complexity.
Remind me to tell you the story of my Stay Positive tattoo.
Remind me to tell you about when I reached out to Craig via Twitter and he donated to the cancer charity I was raising money for.
Remind me to tell you about how Craig and the boys continue to help save my life for over twenty years.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
when not to think about the passage of time/your life:
- sundays
- end of the year
- your bday/the days leading up to it
Don't cry on your birthday challenge
I had an oncologist write a letter for me, and he referred to me as 'well-nourished'.
I skipped no meals on chemo. Oh, you feel like shit? Have you tried eating a pint of ice cream about it?
I met a new petsitting client, who told me all about her many health woes, including 'precancerous throat cells', and I spent an hour listening to all of the ways in which both she and her two cats were unhealthy, until we got to the end of our conversation and she mentioned coming in to my place of business.
I was so thrilled to hit her with the 'oh, you'll recognize me. I'm the only one who still masks. After my stage three cancer, I don't mess around with my health, so I still mask everywhere I go.'
I saw the surgeon last week to get the tape on my incisions changed, and I looked down at my incision and saw blood, and immediately was transported back to this day. Tomorrow in the shower I'm going to remove the tape, and I'm very scared.
Sunday, July 14 I woke before 6am to run ten miles with two girlfriends. One had attended a bachelorette party the night before, so she canc
Two women with breast cancer died in the last two weeks. I was a volunteer for them during their time at First Descents.
I don't understand this disease, and why I'm still here when so many aren't.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Post going flat body update. Shit's a little weird. From one side I'm concave and you can see my protruding ribcage and tummy. From the other side I have the tiniest little titling. I think my body would be more pleasing without the tummy, but I'm honestly not willing to do the work, so I'm just saying I look like a toddler and am cute.
My husband is going to have a biopsy on his thyroid, and I just booked travel across the country, so I'm basically guaranteeing that he has cancer, yeah?
I finally got covid. And you know what, is wasn't that bad.
But here's what is. I haven't had word recollection issues since I had my implants out. It started again with covid.
I haven't had that metallic chemo taste in my mouth in ten years. It started again with covid.
I haven't been this exhausted since cancer treatment. It started again with covid.
So, yes, it wasn't that bad, but once you've had your body turn against you in such a spectacular way, a disease like this, with so many unknowns, is frightening. Horrifying. I don't know what will happen with my recovery. I'm ten years out from diagnosis, I removed my implants, I no longer take my hormone suppressant drugs. But now I have a new disease to contend with.
When I told the nurse I was walking on the treadmill she was concerned. She wanted to make sure I walked slowly. She also suggested I 'just walk around the house', as I could fall off the treadmill.
Bitch, how big do you think my house is? Also, can you watch hours of HBOMax while walking around the house? That sounds more like a situation where one might fall, not walking three miles an hour on a treadmill.
You motherfuckers took my tits off EIGHT DAYS AGO
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I'm going to be straight with you. My chest looks like shit. It is concave, lopsided, bruised. Looking down at it in the shower I just saw my belly, bloated with painkiller-induced constipation, and fat with age and menopause. But here's the thing; it's my body. It's my body again. It's my body, absent of plastic, absent of painful scar tissue. I am lighter. I am free.
Two blown veins and three RNs and we're finally ready to get this show on the road.
