The Real Me

Day 2607 of HRT

It has been far too long since my last post.  It has been a roller-coaster ride of ups and downs.  While I have recovered mostly from my deep depression.  A new battle has risen.

The past month I have gone from eating fast food 2 times a day to a total zero food intake.  What started out as a lifestyle change, spiraled into a severe case of Anorexia.  I am lucky if I eat more than 300 calories in a single day.  The fear of gaining weight has taken over me.  I fought a few weeks of hunger pains only to no longer feel hungry at all.  The only time I eat is when I start to become dizzy and cant focus on simple tasks, such as driving.  Like today, I have had 210 calories all day, I felt like I was going to pass out while taking a shower.

My boss is worried for me, my co-workers alerted HR about how I don’t eat anything at work.  Last week, there were boxes of donuts on the desk right next to me and I didn’t even look at it.  I ate an apple instead, then as I was going to start driving home I couldn’t keep focused on the road.

Yesterday my roommate forced me to eat at Cracker Barrel.  I had two eggs, one piece of bacon and hashbrowns.  Later in the day, my guilt was intense, I shoved fingers down my throat and purged all of that food.

I really need help... I love this game so much that I bought WallScrolls.  There is another one coming in for the middle which has Adol and Dana back to back.

I am on my second play through of Ys VIII: Lacrimosa of Dana.  This time on my 4K 60FPS capable rig.  I played the switch version all the way through for a completion time of 40 hours.  I am speeding through it on PC and am at the 9 hour mark.  The game looks day and night better on my rig.  There are details I didn’t notice my first time through.

I cannot stress how much I love this game.  I have become completely entranced by its story, art and music.  Dana has quickly become one of my favorite video game characters.  The story keeps you wanting to learn what is behind every corner.  Once a new revelation is made, you quickly start putting pieces together and come up with different theories as to whats next.

I highly recommend people check this game out.

I don’t know how to start this long overdue post.  I haven’t posted in months and for good reason.  I have been battling crippling depression and suicidal thoughts.  I was hospitalized 3 times and visited by police 4 times.  One of those times ended with me being handcuffed for my safety.  Depression really sucks, just as being transgender does as well.

I was fired, but then given a second chance, then offered full time in the span of three months.  It was a rollercoaster of emotions and feeling like I couldn’t do anything right.  Even today I doubt my skills and abilities.  I am still convinced that everyone hates me.

I struggle to make it through each day.  After work I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.  Even with the help of two anti-depressants and weekly therapy.  I may not be dead yet, but trust me... I wish I was.

It has been far too long since my last post.  Things haven’t been going well for me mentally.  I have reached my breaking point and was hospitalized.  Just about every night I was calling an Emergency Mental Crisis line.  Since this was with Kaiser, they log each call and report it to my Primary Care doctor. My doctor kept stressing that I need to see a mental health specialist.

I have reached a new low point.  I started sleeping whenever possible to avoid my feelings.  It is very hard dealing with everything.  Even though the fallout of coming out happened nearly 4 years ago. I am still recovering.  My therapist said that it was traumatic. People changed so much and now I am left with just my brother as the only person who still talks to me.

Unfortunately, there will always be two sides of each story.  People convinced themselves that by coming out I hurt them, when they did exactly that to me.  Instead of support, I was played out to be hurting everyone else.  Family and former friends tossed me aside.  People who once said “no matter what my door will always be open to you” haven’t picked up the damn phone in years.  I think people took it personally.  Like coming out was a direct attack on them.

I felt pitted against everyone and it was taboo to talk about it.  Lately I have been reliving mid to late 2014.  So much changed in my life, but really not for the better.  I used to have a small network of friends, now I only have two people post transition.  I used to visit family weekly, now I haven’t seen most of them in close to 4 years.  

My therapist said that I developed PTSD from the experience.  I am not as trusting as I used to be, I keep people at a distance out of fear of being hurt again.  When I get complements I just shrug them off and assume people are lying to me.  I convinced myself that my family doesn’t love me since they refuse to talk to me.

I went to Vegas last Thursday.  It was something I really needed.  The past few months I have been severely depressed.  I felt alone, unwanted and abandoned.  Not to mention the Body Dysmorphic Disorder issue that I suffer from.  It was a moment of clarity, where I was able to realize what I wanted and what I felt was missing.

In Vegas I had a community that I was a part of.  People legitimately cared about me and wanted nothing but good for me.  In Portland, I don’t have this.  Also the people I live with seem to be bothered with the idea of socializing with me.

Another new project, this time a RROD May 2006 Xbox 360.  I already traced the issue down and I am waiting for some parts to come in for the repair.  I really love fixing things.  Fun Fact:  The Xbox 360 was my first real repair I did for someone.  Nice to revisit it almost 10 years later.