be yourself.

He stared at her ceiling for a moment as she finished getting dressed, thinking about everything, all at once. “I always said I didn’t want to be my father - but look at me. Jesus, look at what I’ve… I’m no better than he was. An angry drunk who cares more about his bottle than….” Sebastian trailed off, shaking his head as he closed his eyes. It made him sick to his stomach, to think of what he’d let himself become.

Jackie didn’t know what to say for a moment. It was silent between the two of them. Then she walked toward him, sitting next to him. She took a hold of his hand. “Listen to me Sebastian Casey,” she said. “You are not your father. You just, you went down a bad path. They say addiction is genetic or something.” She shrugged. “But just because you picked up some alcoholism that your Dad had, does not mean you are him. I would not be here if you didn’t care so much. You are so caring and sweet, even when I’m a real dick to you. Sure, you’re a pain in the ass some of the time, but you are always saving me. If you were your father, I don’t think you’d be half as good as that man that you are. You are someone who’s worthy of forgiveness, and who will work his ass off for it.”

“Uh, Holland Macey. She’s a healer out in California. You probably don’t know her.” Kendall swished the contents of the bottle around before taking another sip. “She’s nice. I don’t have to worry about her.”

If Jackie was drinking the alcohol, she would’ve choked when Kendall told you. “Holland Macey? As in a Holland Macey who works at Calderon’s? She’s Sebastian’s best friend. That Holland? She’s kind of the one who helped me through the whole...” she paused, unknowingly how to bring up the whole attack. “She helped me when this guy came and attacked me.” She shrugged. She let out a breath through her nose, holding out her hand. “Bottle.”

Sam just scoffed an angry laugh shaking his head at her monologue. “You act like you are the only one whose been through shit Jacqueline. Like you are the only one it affects. How can someone who has been through so much be so damn ignorant and self centered?” He shot back, anger that wasn’t as common for Sam spilling out at how unreasonable this who thing was. “Fuck this. I’m not doing this with you. You want to be mad at me for not telling you shit I can’t even handle talking about? Fine. Whatever.” He shook his head turning away and apperating out of the argument. He couldn’t deal with this right now..

“Give me the bottle.” Kendall pouted. “Yeah, I found out about her when I was looking for my mom this summer.”

Jackie took a swig and then handed the bottle over. “Okay, so who is it? Do I get to know her name?”

“I’m not zipping that up.” He replied easily, shrugging as he lay across her bed, placing his arms behind his head and looking at the ceiling. “Guess I’ve got to be. I can’t use it as a crutch my whole life, Jax. Or, well, I guess I could, but even I know that’s some fucked up shit I want no part of.”

“Fine, I’ll just zip it myself,” she said, reaching back to zip up her dress herself, struggling with it for a minute. “I mean, you’ve been through some fucked up shit. I don’t, I wouldn’t know how to face it.”

Teddy snorted. “Well, I’m glad you don’t. It sounds like they have horrible taste.”

“They have the taste of, ‘I don’t want my little sister wearing anything revealing’,” Jackie replied. “It’s a very sad taste.”

“No, but my sister is,” Kendall said softly. She hadn’t told anyone about Holland yet. Not even Shawn or Alec or Amy. Not even her family. She reached a hand out for the bottle and made grabby hands. “She’s out in California I think.”

Jackie raised her eyebrows at Kendall’s answer. “Your sister? As in not Bailey? Kendall, that’s amazing!”

“I can see why he’d freak out. But at least you look great.” Teddy nodded. “I feel like a turtleneck would be suffocating.”

“Well in his exact words, ‘what the fuck happened to the rest of it’.” Jackie let out a small laugh. “There’s a reason I never ask my brother’s opinions for outfits.”

“Are you—Are you serious?! Are you fucking serious right now?!” Sam’s laugh was a sarcastic laugh, hurt present in its anger. “Jax you are the only thing that even matters to either of us. Excuse me for knowing how much shit you’ve been through and wanting to spare you from even more of it! Or did you forget that I went through it too?”

“I don’t need to be spared,” she replied. “Yeah, you went through it too, but decided that you can’t spare yourself. And since you can’t, why should I be granted that privilege?” Her words came out with venom in her tone. “I don’t want to be spared, because you may think you are protecting me, but you’re not. You’re making it much worse. That sparing leaves me not being able to breath every single time you two are out on a mission. Don’t make me try to get it through your head, I’ve been battling with Sebastian for so long. I don’t want to be spared because what I think when you’re on a mission is the fear of what can happen to you both. Jesus Christ Sam, that guy almost killed you. Do you know what would happen to me if you died? I don’t think I’d be able to live. You and Sebastian, and Madeline, and Leah, you guys are everything to me. I am not spared by not knowing. I thought you understood that. I thought you know that with us going through it with just Sebastian working. Now I have both of you to be worried about every day. The only one who understands is Kendall, before that I really thought you got it.”

“You don’t drink to get through the day, Jackie.” He said softly, not sure his sister knew the full extent of his problem. “Every time you’ve talked to me since…. sine Bella died I’ve been drunk. It’s not the same.” He appreciated the sentiment, but he had to face his problems if he was going to fix them, not let others help hum brush them aside like he used to. Scowling as she stepped out of the closet, he scoffed. “What the fuck happened to the rest of it?” 

Jackie rolled her eyes at her brother’s comment, “Just zip it up, this is the rest of it,” she replied. “Are you ready to face all that though? You know without the aid of alcohol?”

“I feel weird wearing my suit from last year. Has anyone noticed?”

@jacquelinecasey

Jackie shrugged. “Don’t know, I know I didn’t,” she replied. “Then again I feel like all suits look the same. Me however, I think my brother just about had a heart attack when he saw my dress. I think he wanted me to put a turtleneck on. Honestly, it was kind of hilarious.”

“No, the break up was the reason for the haircut.” He said quietly, not really wanting to talk about that again. “I was definitely drunk when I shaved my head.” With a light sigh, he glanced up at her finally, shrugging. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up if I couldn’t do it, I - I didn’t want to be any more of a disappointment than I already am.”

“Please Sebastian, I drink way too much,” she replied. “I can’t judge you for drinking, even though you get angry and annoying. I know what it’s like for us, and I understand why you were drinking in the first place. You could never disappoint me, ever. You’re my brother, you will always be that, drinking or not. I’m just glad you decided to do this, so y’know, your liver can thank you.” She stepped into the closet for a moment out of his sight to put on her dress. When she stepped out, she moved her hair slightly. “Can you zip this up for me?”