Dumb Bitch

and Jason pipes up from the end of the table around a mouthful of green beans, “True. Plus he had to deal with little-Bruce as his new employer. His employee-loyalty rate is off the fucking charts.”

and Bruce just kinda hums before casually admitting, “Yeah… I was not a good boss, either. like- especially in my teen years? You all thought the dark era was rough, you should have seen Batman’s teenage angst phase.”

“The fact that he didn’t quit is, quite frankly, insane to me.” Dick nods in agreement. And then Bruce just kinda… shrugs.

“I mean technically he doesn’t work for me anymore? I remember when I was fourteen I got angry and fired him over dinner for not agreeing to drive me to a drag race. I told him to get out of my house and he looked me right in the eyes and said ‘shut the fuck up and eat your peas.’” Bruce takes a sip of wine, casual. “Anyway, I never actually took back what I said, and I never re-hired him. So legally he’s now just a random guy who squats in the manor and regularly steals money from my bank account.”

issue is, Bruce is just so happy to see and talk to his kids at any point that he doesn’t even notice the breach of privacy, and the kids just end up feeling really awkward about how happy their dad is to see them.

Jason will bring up something in conversation with Bruce that was only privately relayed through texts between Bruce and a colleague, smirking because he knows Bruce is gonna be really paranoid about who’s watching his texts, except Bruce just smiles and happily chats with him for thirty minutes and he’s in a good mood all day because Jason willingly had a casual conversation with him, and when the JL ask why Batman’s in such a good mood at a meeting later that day Jason just goes bright red and doesn’t know what to say because he didn’t realise how much Bruce genuinely craves just catching up with him every now and then.

Dick will stalk him for weeks and wait until Bruce has a really tough busy day at work, specifically so he can wait for the evening where Bruce finally has a single moment to himself in a bar somewhere to relax, and then he busts in loudly sitting down next to Bruce and talking non-stop while ordering a drink, thinking that Bruce is going to be mad because this was his one peaceful moment and Dick ruined it by constantly tracking him. but instead the second Bruce realises Dick’s there all his exhaustion disappears. he gets a really wide genuinely pleased look on his face and happily offers to buy Dick a drink because ‘it’s so rare that they get to hang out!’ and Dick is left floundering because he was trying to be an asshole but now he just feels bad that he doesn’t spend time with Bruce outside of patrol business.

Tim keeps watching him through security cameras and updating him through text on his location in an attempt to make him tired of the constant supervision, but every time he texts Bruce like ‘you just walked into starbucks for the second time today.’ Bruce will just openly smile at his phone and respond like ‘would you like me to get you a drink? i can drop it off at your office if you’d like :)’ and Tim has to give up almost immediately.

Steph: oh he tried to adopt me, but i wouldn’t let him.

Jason: see- i tried that after i came back to life. he wouldn’t let me go.

Steph: you don’t have my skills.

Dick, grinning: how did you get him to back off?

Steph: i told him if he legally adopted me i would immediately seduce Tim again and he’d have to deal with all the adopted incest headlines in the Gotham Gazette.

Jason: *cackles*

Dick: oh that’s genius- i mean it’s mean, but genius.

Tim: wait wait wait- *snort* whaddaya mean ‘i’d seduce Tim’? why are you assuming you’d succeed? you think you could get me even if you were my adopted sister?

Steph, empathetically: Tim, buddy, look at you, and look at me.

Tim:

Steph: you’d take whatever you could get regardless of the context and you know it.

Jason: *cackles even harder*

My hands:

It's a

*foil cracking, chewing noises*

Jason: -no, because B didn't take me in specifically because he wanted me to be Robin. that came after. pass me the sauce, Day. thanks.

Tim: i thought you met him when he was Batman though?

Jason: yeah i met him when he was Batman, but he didn't take me home because he wanted a new Robin, he took me in because i was homeless, i stole his tires, called him a fucktart to his face, and then kneecapped him with a tire-iron.

Dick, observationally: i'm pretty sure he took you in as some sort of version of self harm.

Tim: *snort*

Jason, muffled: mm- 'okes on him though, cause i turned out to be a complete introvert.

Dick: yeah i don't think he expected the violent street kid to love homework so much.

Damian: so how did the transition to being Robin happen? he allowed Grayson to join him to get closure after his parents' death, correct? what led him to allow you to take up the mantle?

*slurping through a straw*

Jason: well, i think his intentions were good when he first decided to take me in, because i asked if i'd be the next Robin and he told me i wasn't being adopted just so he could have a partner, and Robin was out of the question. i was just happy to live in a mansion, so i let it be.

Dick: you let it be? he told me you basically forced him to let you have the mask.

Jason: *laughs* well he would, wouldn't he? he's too embarrassed about how petty he was being.

Tim: what was petty about it?

Jason: *snort* ok, but Dick you can't be an ass about it- it was like a decade ago.

Dick, with anticipatory annoyance: why-? *pause* oh shut up.

Jason: um, *slight snicker* yeah, so, admittedly he did just give me the mantle to slightly piss you off a bit,

Dick, instantly: I FUCKING KNEW IT- OH MY GOD.

*smacking sound, harsh footsteps*

Damian: oh, now he's pacing.

Dick: ALL THESE FUCKIN' YEARS OF 'IT WASN'T PERSONAL, DICK, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH UPSETTING YOU, DICK, IT WAS JASON THAT WANTED IT, DICK-'

Jason: *wheezing* ok- OK but in his defence, i did also want it a lot-!

Dick: YOU SAID YOU'D LET IT GO!

Jason: w- yeah, i did, and then i met you.

*silence*

Dick, abruptly quiet: i was not that bad.

Jason, indignant: YOU- YOU-

Tim, absently: it's like dinner and a show,

Damian: i know right?

Jason: -YOU MET ME FOR THE FIRST TIME, LOOKED ME UP AND DOWN LIKE I WAS ONE OF THE FUCKING PEDOPHILES ON TO CATCH A PREDATOR,

Dick: I WAS NOT- *breaks into a wheeze*

Jason: -PROCEEDED TO TELL BRUCE WITHOUT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING ME, 'at least when you took me in the people of Gotham could understand it, i was adorable; what the fuck is this thing?'

Dick: *silent wheezing*

Tim: fuck off, were you actually that mean?

Dick: *gasping* i-

Jason: YES HE WAS. anybody in my position would have met that little prick and instantly decided to steal his old job, i refuse to take criticism on the matter!

Damian: and Father went along with that?

Jason: mm- not at first. but then he and B got into an argument where Dick stole Bruce's work laptop because 'he wasn't using it, so it was up for grabs' and i think B just wanted to get back at him by stealing something of his instead.

Dick: -completely unproportionate response, by the way.

Jason: no, but neither was seeing Bruce's calvin klein underwear modelling campaign and instantly creating the Discowing suit to 'show him what it felt like when your family member acts like an attention seeking whore', so you're both as bad as each other.

Tim: *aghast* IS THAT ACTUALLY WHY YOU DID THAT?!?

Dick: i- *breaks into wheezes again*

Damian: you know, considering everybody claims being Robin is so 'magical', the story of its origins and pathway through life sure is covered in a lot of spiteful bullshit.

Tim: Alfred, this is Bernard. He's my roommate.

The above is a video shared by smrchildsadness on Twitter, showing a person participating in a pride parade exchanging a pride flag with a person standing on his (am using his pronoun based on the TikToks/Tweets of what happened) doorway who had a Portuguese flag. There are sounds of cheers and crying and the two people hug each other as they exchange the flags. The man at the doorway then waved kisses to the crowd within the pride parade.

The Tweet says: "NO YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HE WAS WAVING THE PORTUGUESE FLAG BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE A PRIDE FLAG AND THEY TRADED FLAGS AND HE'S SO EMOTIONAL TO GET HIS OWN PRIDE FLAG I'M EMOTIONALLY RUINED"

For context, apparently they were worried that maybe he's a nationalist because he was waving the Portuguese flag and some nationalists opposing the pride march were waving that flag. But upon interacting with him, it turns out he didn't have have a pride flag and he wanted to wave *a* flag in support of the pride march. So they had an exchange and now he has his own pride flag 😭🥹.

The image above is a Tweet by kunwara_ladkaa that says "I'm crying so much right now (Image taken by Manuel Fernando Araújo/Lusa)". The image shows the same man from the pride parade crying as he hugs his new pride flag.

The above image is a Tweet by dudz_zZzz that says "ainda não parei de pensar nele," which according to Google translate from Portuguese to English is "I still haven't stopped thinking about him." The image is a drawing of the person from the pride parade, crying as he hugs his new pride flag.

Well maybe I don’t WANT to work double as hard as abled people!! Maybe I deserve a BREAK!! Maybe I’ve been working MORE THAN double as hard for MY WHOLE LIFE and it’s led me to immense burnout & caused me to develop several MORE disabilities!! Maybe I should be ACCOMMODATED so I don’t have to KILL MY BODY AND BRAIN over trying to do what abled people can do!! Maybe I DON’T have to work double as hard!! Maybe if there’s the option to let me NOT work double as hard, I should have it, because I’m already working double as hard JUST TO SURVIVE!!

you were way too drunk and the sigma chi house was spinning.

the music thumped through the walls and your head felt light and fuzzy, but you were smiling anyway, red cup dangling from your fingers as you leaned against the wall for balance. your friends had disappeared ages ago and you didn’t really mind.

that’s when you saw him.

tall. pink hair. tattoos crawling up his arms. he looked really familiar but your drunk brain couldn’t connect the dots. you just knew he was stupidly hot standing there by the stairs with his arms crossed.

you stumbled over with a bright smile.

“hi,” you said, voice soft and sweet. “you have the prettiest eyes. like… scary pretty.”

sukuna looked down at you and his eyebrow raised, but he didn’t move away. the corner of his mouth twitched like he was trying not to smile.

“yeah?” he asked, voice low.

you nodded, stepping closer until you were leaning into his space. he smelled so good. warm and a little sweet, just like someone you used to know.

“mhm. my ex had eyes like yours,” you mumbled, resting your forehead against his arm because the room wouldn’t stop tilting. “he was mean looking but really nice to me. i miss him a lot actually.”

sukuna stayed quiet, one big hand coming up to steady you by the waist so you wouldn’t fall.

you kept talking, words spilling out easily now that someone was listening.

“we broke up because i thought he didn’t care enough but… he used to do the sweetest things. like bringing me coffee before class or letting me play with his hair even when he acted all tough about it.” you sighed softly. “i think i messed up. i still wear his hoodie to sleep sometimes.”

his grip on your waist tightened just a little.

“you’re drunk,” he murmured.

“super drunk,” you agreed with a little laugh, tilting your head up to look at him again. “but i mean it. he was the best. made me feel safe even when he was quiet and scary. you kinda look like him, it’s weird.”

sukuna let out a quiet breath that sounded almost like a laugh. he guided you through the crowd with a hand on your lower back, taking you upstairs without saying much. you didn’t even question it. his room felt familiar but everything was blurry.

he sat you on the edge of his bed and grabbed a bottle of water, crouching down in front of you so you could drink it. his hand rested gently on your knee the whole time.

“you’re really nice,” you whispered, eyes half closed. “my ex was nice like this too. when nobody else was looking.”

he didn’t answer right away. just brushed some hair out of your face with careful fingers and helped you lie down. when you reached out and grabbed his hand he paused.

“stay?” you asked softly.

sukuna sighed, but it was the soft kind. he sat on the edge of the bed and let you keep holding his hand, thumb rubbing slow circles over your knuckles while you drifted off.

Sukuna’s developed an irritating habit. Whenever he’s fed up with you, or whenever he doesn’t want to entertain one of your questions, he’ll simply stay quiet and gesture towards his stomach. It’s kind of like saying ‘talk to the hand’. But in his case, it’s ‘talk to the stomach mouth’. 

Then his stomach mouth will shoot you this wide, smug grin, like it’s more than happy to converse with you. And you’ll just toss up your hands and groan, annoyed that your husband won’t even bother to speak with you face to face. 

But recently you've taken Sukuna up on his offer, turning the tables to give him the silent treatment while still chatting away with his stomach. Because Sukuna underestimated just how much that mouth of his likes to rile someone up. Even if it’s the rest of his body. 

Now, Sukuna’s lounging on the bed, limbs draped carelessly along the mattress. He’s trying to feign indifference. Trying to pretend he’s unphased by the fact that you haven’t spoken to him in four whole days. 

But you know better. You see the slight clench in his jaw, the scowl that deepens on his face each time he steals a look your way. He watches as you sit by the window, gazing at the scenery outside. 

When the silence stretches on longer than he can bear, Sukuna sets his pride aside to clear his throat and ask, “Are you still doing this?” 

You don’t even spare him a glance, continuing to look out the window. “Middle Mouth,” you say, “will you please inform the rest of Sukuna that I have no idea what he’s talking about?”

Sukuna scoffs in disbelief, but that mouth of his flashes its teeth and singsongs, “Sukunaaaa. She doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I heard you,” Sukuna huffs, speaking to you instead of his stomach.

He hates this whole situation. Hates that you're not speaking with him. Hates that you’ve given his stomach mouth a nickname. And he hates that the mouth is entertaining it at all. 

 His jaw clenches once more, and he sighs before saying, “You’re ignoring me.” 

He’s not wrong. For almost a week, you’ve been avoiding your husband, refusing to interact or even look at any part of him other than his stomach maw. But despite all of his sulking and sour moods, you act as if nothing is amiss.

“Middle Mouth, will you please inform the rest of Sukuna that I am not ignoring him. You and I just had a lovely conversation, didn’t we?”

“Sukunaaaa,” the mouth singsongs again. “She isn’t ignoring you…well, me.” That grin returns, and you can’t help but let out a quiet laugh. Why didn’t you start speaking with your husband’s stomach mouth sooner? He really is entertaining.

“Stop that. Don’t humor her,” Sukuna scolds.

“Middle Mouth, you can converse with me as you please.”

“I intend to,” his maw replies. 

Sukuna’s eyes narrow, but he’s not sure whether to direct his glare at you or his abdomen. “How long do you intend to keep up these antics?”

You brush an imaginary piece of lint from your clothes and say, "Middle Mouth, please inform the rest of Sukuna that I’m still waiting on a proper apology from him." 

“I’m warning you, do not–”

“Sukunaaaa. She is waiting for a proper apology from you.”

Sukuna stares murderously down at his lower half. He’s finally met his match. The only ‘enemy’ that he can’t silence by force. Himself. 

And secretly, you think that he slightly enjoys that you’re speaking with his stomach mouth. It shows him that despite this silent treatment, you still desire some form of communication with him. 

So he’ll put up with the teasing, the inside jokes, and the fact that his wife is being stolen by his own body.

You decide to press your luck a little bit further, and say something you know will send your husband over the edge. “Middle Mouth–”

“Not again,” Sukuna groans, tossing his head back.

“Do you remember what I told you? What we talked about last night?”

“What?!?" Sukuna demands, sitting up abruptly and sending the covers around him flying.

“Oh, I remember,” his maw says, immediately grinning and playing into it. 

“Well, I was thinking about it and–”

“Why are you speaking with my wife at night?”

“Our wife. And what we discuss during late hours does not concern you.” 

“Anyways, as I was telling you, Middle Mouth, before I was rudely interrupted–”

“No. This ends now."

In seconds, Sukuna’s beside you, all 7 feet of him towering over you intimidatingly. He rubs a hand across his jaw, like he has to physically force the words out of his mouth. “I.. apologize for not answering when you asked me which of my cocks I urinate from.”

“…”

“The answer is both of them.”

Immediately, your mood lifts. You turn away from the window, smiling and facing your husband like nothing was ever wrong. “Apology accepted.” And then to his stomach mouth, “We’ll continue our conversation later.” 

Don Falcone: I dreamed of this day.

Selina:?

Don Falcone: You're a nice surprise and all kid. Can never have too many kids in a family and daughters, they're precious, ain't they? No, I'm talking about Bruce Wayne.

Selina: You're going to have to run that one by me.

Don Falcone: You two are already a thing. I mean, no pressure but he's a catch, you're a Falcone and... I always wanted to make sure that boy was taken care of. I wanted to make him family and we can do that now.

Selina: We?

Don Falcone: Well, you're my last chance, kid. Sofia doesn't like him or whatever and Alberto... He may be a little off to the side.

Alberto: Homosexual, dad.

Don Falcone: Yeah, yeah, that but Bruce likes the guys too so I tried to set that up but apparently they're both... Y'know. They play the same position on the field.

Alberto: *rolling his eyes*

Selina: And you want me to-?

Don Falcone, nodding: Yes, big big Italian wedding. We can do Lake Como. We will spare no expense. For every grandson, fifteen thousand, every granddaughter, ten or abouts. What do you say, gioia mia?