counting stars

I'm generally always up for a hike, my dude, but I also have a healthy sense of self preservation. How massive are we talking, here? I have two dogs and a will to live, seems like it might just be safer to set up a trail cam.

Trail cam is smart and all, but you know those things only catch like half the action. Where’s your sense of adventure, man? We’ll bring bear spray and everything, it'll be fine.

At this point, I feel like even if bigfoot is hanging out in the wilderness of Pennsylvania, he's probably actively hiding from you. Truly, I wish you could find him and live out the movie Harry and the Hendersons, but maybe you should just stop chasing him and give him space? Let him come to you, bro.

Dude, if Bigfoot is actively hiding from me, that means he knows I’m close. Which is basically a win in my book. But fine. Just so you know though, just because I give him his space, it doesn't mean I can't and won't go scout the perimeter.

Keep me posted. Hmm, I think I can work with all of that, it's definitely giving me ideas and it does help that I know her almost as well as you do, probably. I'll probably be working on my own ideas for her, too, of course. But I can't say much right out in the open. How about, I'll put together a few pieces and see what you think? Most of my work can be undone and re-modeled, at least with the jewelry. Sometimes with the clothing, depending on what the alterations were to start.

Sounds good to me! I trust your taste way more than mine anyway, so whatever ideas you come up with I’m sure Amber will love. And yeah, I get the whole “can’t say too much out in the open” thing. Surprise and all that. Just let me know when you’ve got some pieces put together and I’ll come by the boutique to check them out. I really appreciate you doing this, by the way.

Well, Owen seems to be a pet whisperer, maybe he can channel it towards wildlife, too? Make it kind of a team effort thing. Couples animal therapy...nevermind that sounds weird, moving on! And of course, her birthday is just a couple months away! What do you have in mind?

We'll see if Owen can work his magic. As for Amber, that’s the thing—I have absolutely no idea what to get her. Maybe some kind of statement jewelry? Maybe big dramatic earrings or a necklace with like theater masks or something sparkly? Or is that too much? I'm the worst at this, I'm telling you.

Is there something that raccoons would eat that other wild animals wouldn't? I've only really seen videos of what people put out, but for the most part all that they eat also attracts opossoms and skunks, possibly even stray cats. Which, at least with the cats Owen could take them to the shelter!

Yeah, honestly I’m not entirely sure. I know the basics from training, but I’m definitely no wildlife whisperer. I’ll figure something out though, I’m sure. Hey, I actually had a question for you. Is there any way I could commission you for a birthday gift for Amber?

Yeah, I'd say best bet might be to just set up a small feeding station and hope for the best? But honestly, how could it have been a bad impression when you clearly didn't act malicious or anything towards him? Sure you might have startled him in an unsuspecting moment, but you didn't shoo him away, at least, or worse.

You're probably right — I didn't chase him off or anything, so maybe we're cool. Though, maybe I'll leave some kind of peace offering that doesn't tempt other wildlife to take up residence instead. As much as my fiancé would love that, I don't think we have the space for a full blown sanctuary.

Okay, but what if it was less of a standoff and more like you interrupted him mid-task and he was waiting to see what you were going to do. Like you were the unpredictable one in that situation. Also, raccoons can actually remember faces, so if you suddenly start finding your trash left alone or, like, weirdly organized, I’d take that as a sign you made a good impression.

The facial recognition thing is exactly why I’m concerned! That’s high-level intelligence. And now I’m worried about the flip side—if I actually made a bad impression, am I going to get pranked? Are my car keys going to end up in a storm drain? I feel like I need to start leaving out "peace offerings" just to stay on his good side.

It depends on what happens next. It could go either way, really. Very much depends on if the raccoon decides you're friend or foe.

Well, seeing as how he's seemingly taken up residence in my trash, I"m taking that as a good sign?

My critical thinking here is telling me that the raccoon quite possibly was just frozen in a "if I don't move he won't see me" kind of state. So sadly, I don't think there were any legally binding agreements happening, but also on the plus side I really don't think it was a threat, either! But also, you're a park ranger now, don't you have any kind of wild animal knowledge that would help you with this instance?

Park ranger training doesn't prepare you for whatever the hell that was, Tina. That wasn't a scared little "if I don't move he won't see me" freeze. It was something else, I'm telling you. So yeah, I'm calling it a mutual understanding until proven otherwise.

You know, babe, sadly I'm not really an expert on raccoons so it's tough to say. I'm also a little offended I'm only finding out now there's one lurking around outside our place. My next suggestion would be I take out the trash with you next time and hopefully it pops back up. Not only so I can fairly give you my judgment on this supposed legally binding agreement, but also because I also want said legally binding agreement.

I've decided his name’s Gerald and he’s been casing the place for like a week now so you've got a fair chance at catching him. I’ve been keeping notes -- you can’t just hit people with “yo a raccoon stared into my soul” without receipts or people are gonna think I’ve finally lost it, you know?

That is literally not a win-win at all. You're a terrible salesman, big brother. How exactly is wasting my night on a stakeout with you to catch some big, hairy creature that never shows up a win for me? And no, you can't just borrow the tiara either.

Okay, first of all, wow. The disrespect. I offer you an exclusive invite to what will inevitably become the most iconic cryptid documentary of our generation, and you call it a waste of a night? Second of all, I wasn’t going to borrow the tiara. I was going to request its temporary involvement as a high-profile consultant in a field investigation.

So, I'm not really someone that buys, like, movie replica props and stuff, but as a theater girlie and because Wicked has such a special place in my heart, I just had to buy Glinda's tiara from her wedding in For Good. And, for the record, I regret absolutely nothing. It is actually so pretty and I feel like there's a ton of cute outfits I could pair it with. I'm gonna call it a little treat for myself since I'm single this V-Day and a girl's gotta show herself some love, am I right?

Does it catch the light pretty well? Because if you’re looking for a "special someone" this February, I could use a shiny lure for my next stakeout at the park. Sasquatches are notorious for liking trinkets. Think about it: you get to wear the crown, I get the footage of the century. It’s a win-win.

Jacks. How did you - of all people - forget to pack marshmallows before you went camping? That's like...a cardinal sin.

Marls. You know I know better than that. I've been camping for 20 years at this point, most of the time on my own. You think I'd ever forget marshmallows?