Actively Gaying

Dear diary! I loved hearing these words from movie characters and enjoyed seeing them journal their experiences at the end of the day. I have never been a “dear diary” kind-a-girl. I did my homework when I got home after school, but my afternoon was either occupied by hanging out with friends or watching television and occasionally doing house chores. No journaling was done.

I want to write. Just write. I’d like to be a published author. Right now my writing skills are not as sharp and strong as I’d like them to be. I feel like if I had spent a reasonable amount of time writing on a journal or a diary, I might be better at it. I have also not “practiced” writing as we all know practice makes perfect. I think I have been very naïve in my approach to my dreams. You know that moment in movies when a character tries something and it goes horribly wrong but by the end of the movie they are the best at it? I figured I would enjoy the latter without going through the pitfalls.

My problem is beyond laziness. I am lazy to a degree and suffer from severe procrastination you have never seen nor heard of. I have a fear of rejection! Major problem. Yes, I am not the only person suffering from this and I acknowledge that. And yet, I still struggle to pull away from it. This phobia of mine has prevented me from trying out so many things in my life. Especially things that can change and improve my life. I also think I may low-key believe that I do not deserve beautiful things and success. That’s why I don’t try so much.

This got way too deep and it is only the beginning. I told you, my writing needs a lot of development. I want to commit myself to writing every single day. I am not sure if this will lead anywhere or to anything. But I am here learning to be patient with myself and start something I may be proud of one day. I hope this journal will work as a therapeutic session for me and help me make positive changes in my life. I do want to make my mother proud and also provide for her. My decisions and lack of action have impacted my life in ways I never thought possible.

My nephew celebrated his 14 year birthday on the 5th of May 2021. This makes me feel old. Really! In 2008 I looked after him, I was his babysitter. I bathe and fed him, changed his dippers and took him to the clinic for his vaccinations. We got so close and to this day, he has a special place in my heart. I love speaking with him and he makes me smile. In this 14 years or 13 since 2008, I feel like I have achieved nothing. I am very grateful for what I have and I thank God every single day. Okay, on other days I am brat, I don’t express full appreciation of what I have.

The feelings I have are to a large extent due to comparisons with my peers and “imagined” or real pressure from the community. But it is mostly my conscience and inability to provide the way I had hoped I would at this stage in my life. I will admit, I lack planning skills with regard to short-term and long-term goals for my life. This more than anything has made it impossible to find the proper direction in my life. A direction leading to better salary and growth within my career. I wouldn’t call it a career at this point but an occupation.

This is not a pity party, absolutely not! It is always a great idea to do a bit of introspection. Now and then. Because that will lead to action that’s required in one’s life. As said before, I do hope for a positive outcome from all this journaling. Writing this right now I already feel that I will quit. It’s not easy going after what you want. There’s also this voice in my mind, “who are you to think that your voice matters or has value”? “That you think you can be a writer”? I am very scared to try but here goes. I hate being judged too. And I want fame – how will I handle that? One thing for sure, I need to work hard and plan better for the future.

It is important to mention though, that I am very happy in other areas. No, I don’t have a boyfriend but I am a happy, single, gay, feminine man. I respond to s/he and I love heels. Obviously, being gay has not been easy I don’t have to tell you that. I remember even admitting it to myself in private was not easy but when I fully accepted myself; it opened a new world for me. I have always been feminine and my closet was basically a “glass closet”. When I came out, it was easier to relate to other people.

When I think of women I think of words like “beauty”, “glamour” and “(long flowing) hair”. I remember thinking to myself when I was younger, “if I was a woman, I’d always look beautiful”. Being gay for me didn’t end with being attracted to other men but it transcended to loving and adoring beautiful clothes and being fabulous. I wear make-up everyday now and I am living for it. I will let you know this, if it were up to me I’d wear heels, beautiful dresses or super tight skinny jeans and other beautiful items every single day.

That part of my life is going great. I do face challenges and I overcome them. Dating falls within these challenges and I am yet to overcome that obstacle (and so is the rest of the world).

More on the next post. Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing.

Sincerely and hopeful: