welcome to my dumpster

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

A witch has turned you into a opossum, and only true love’s kiss can turn you back. However, you don’t want to be human again as you’re quite content with the empire of garbage you have built.

"hella erosion"

Turns out that actually writing a novel is way harder than just wistfully daydreaming about writing a novel. Shocked and betrayed.

Ok , I'm considering joining the skeleton war 2022 but, I am undecided on sides, so wizards, skeletons, convince me

WE ARE UNION BASED AND WE PROVIDE FULLY PAID MEDICAL AND DENTAL INSURANCE

I'm literally a mushroom I don't have teeth

I except teeth

Apologies to the mutuals. I am not immune to the babygirlification of ghost it seems.

my blasphemous hair secret is that if you're using semipermanent dye, that's pure pigment, no chemical processes. so you can leave it on your hair as long as you want. So i try to keep it on for at least 3 hours to get as much pigment in there as i possibly can for suuper vibrant color that will last forever (not actually forever but you get it)

my third blasphemous secret is summoning ghosts

Oddly specific. Got a deposit for 6,837 today

 D U D E!!!!!

The minotaur was a prince.