IX-SETI إكس- سيتي

Punctuality was your trait and it slowed down the time

The city held the space between us

I am, and still an ocean of feelings

You, oh you, a continent of desert, rowelling light and dust

Unpacked baggage, a kid, an ex, and anger, and exhaustion

What was that funny song you’d hum?                

I’d laugh so hard           Zu Zubaida..

A photographer featuring the southern desert

I feel jealous for you             

I wanted to see the desert through your eyes    

Melt in your sand and lay naked under the sun

Your derisory thoughts scared me

And my boundaries were set and I vowed to stick to them

But, I saw places where the ocean and the desert marry in peace

A storm was in the making

We slowed it down

Until the last drop of sand settles and the wind arcs to the ocean

I cannot befriend the desert

Horseshoe magnets

would suck the world in cartoon films

I found one in my neighbour’s playroom

at the age of five I’ve found my treasure in Singapore.

If I held it, i’d hold the world in my hand, I said to the other kids

Did I really hold the world in my hand?

I took the kids to the hill

Hit the magnet onto the ground

The world was not sucked

The noise did not stop

My heart clenched

The next years, magnets became iron

hard, concrete, attached

They smelled grey

They felt rust

They smelled cold

Only recently I’ve found a new magnet

Sheltered between my breasts

Bursting electric waves in circular motion

Moving the world unto me

It has its own temperament and power

and I am learning to open it

I insert the table for the key deliverables in word document

I need to finalize the consultant contract, I have a deadline!

I feel the earth in my stomach, roaring shatters of hot spit toward my chest

My pelvis expands, it shelters the core where my intuition resides

I knew what was coming and I welcomed it with fluttery eyes and giggles

It erupted from a place I am familiar with: I dunno its name

What is said between lovers is forgotten, what stays are the physical sensations tickled by the memory, and I have a universe of imagery

I smoke in front of the mirror: I like my reflection. 

In red sweater, sweaty pants and a bun of hope over my head

I see distant dunes in the back of my eye

I slightly tilt my head to the right and trace the crests of my cheek

I dread your strength Nermine looking at yourself like a goddess reining over Moises wells, I say to my reflection

You speak a weird language and create the dot and antidot

What if everything out there is just a reflection of my creation? I say back

I will create a new red, a new sensation, a new fabric and I will thread it with love and affection

I will wrap it all over me, spread it to the tiniest cell in body and it would be reflected back to me

Back to us

At work and we discuss how to deal with disaster..the likelihood of something “bad” happening and how we will deal with it.....I am not a fan of emergency preparedness stuff! It is almost the end of the year, and i feel the year was a long trip of crossing the Nile from home to work and back, with many stop over in between...  I have experienced little disasters inside of me..my feelings affecting my body and my heart..i felt closure, i felt clenching, I felt my chest and throat narrowing..I am also experiencing new things, new fears, new sensations, new textures, new skins, new smells, new men, and new thoughts..and I am happily surprised and curious and i want more of that..and experiencing myself standing still for a while..not having to decide or think..just feeling my way through whatever comes along...

I glued my forehead to the window glass,

The white city lays open its organs in front of me.. a lego field of white stones,

A blue pinkish horizon,

The illusion of glass makes me feel safe,

I could just be falling down right now, waging my arms backwards accelerating my descent..

Oh it feels so light and enchanting,

My stomach aches..it is the fear inside,

I am familiar with it..not the fear of descent , the fear of comfort, of reaching somewhere..

There are no thoughts, just sensations..

I see lights, little humans,some animals moving on the ground..i see myself among them..so small, so insignificant, so full inside!

I grew weary of hotel rooms, standard desks, rolling curtains, and packaged soap..but i like this height, i like this window,

My breath on the glass feels warm and smokey.. for once I don’t feel alone here, i feel joyfully pending..

( 25th October, Amman)

I was in a gathering, a dim lighted music space,

He was at the end of the street in his booth, with a phone.

My cellular dialed his booth number automatically, he picks up and i don’t speak..I feel frozen.

It is not me calling, it is my cellulor, i say to myself. He gets angry and I feel upset!!! No words spoken from my end.

He shows up to the space, angry at me, he doesn't look my way..his hair looks different..it feels drier.

I adjust my shirt and skirt..my sandals are worn in reverse and i feel embarrassed..i leave to another space..more people, more music.

I ask my friend for a ride to the desert..she picks the phone and at my ears, I hear her telling him that I will join them for the road trip..i feel surprised and unsettled... I feel uncomfortable yet tickled by the coincidence..

End of the dream,

I want you to remember how it felt to unzip your heart at sunrise,

I want you to remember how it felt feeling the green and the purple with your skin ,

The pink and blue with your eyes,

Remember how it felt feeling your heart melting in your chest, exposed, open.. unarmed.. how you felt shaking inside by just standing there,

A magnet spinning inside your chest melting fear with joy..beaming waves inside your chest, both pleasurable and scary,

no thoughts, no judgement, no good, no bad, just being there,

Remember how it felt listening to your heart humming kindness and strength..you rarely listened to it’s voice,

You felt alive, you were shaky and you were present ..it was a sublime pleasure.

Remember: this is how it should ALWAYS feel.. all the time, every time, no matter what.