The Witcher Headcanon - Hair Care
(A headcanon bonus scene based on the Ask by @thisiswhymomworries that was submitted to @penandinkprincess ) I have all my headcanons scheduled to be posted in a certain order, but screw it. This one gets to jump to the head of the line!
Jaskier is there, just introducing himself to all his new Witcher Friends when he sees Lambert for the first time. Jaskier could only stare as the red haired Witcher stumped into the Hall. Time seemed to slow as Jaskier's eyes took in the tragedy that was his hair. It was a crime! An atrocity! A travesty!
Had he never combed it?? What the h*ll did he wash it with, a cheap bar of soap? Did he even use conditioner? It was so dry and brittle looking! Oh, gods, were those...split ends?! Look at it! The frizz! Those poor curls! They were crying out for moisture!
The closer Lambert got the worse it looked. Hadn't anyone ever shown the poor thing how to properly take care of his hair?? At least how to comb it? Oh, this poor little orphan boy!
Jaskier *so hyperfocused on Lambert's hair that he can't processs what's going on around him.*
Lambert *glaring down at him*
Jaskier *standing there, short-circuting over the injustice that is Lambert's hair*
Lambert thinking Jaskier is shaking out of fear. It must have been the little sh*t's first time seeing a real, feral Witcher. He would rightfully be afraid. Lambert wasn't like Geralt. He wasn't handsome, or soft, or nice.
And he definitely had more self respect than to allow himself to be treated like a tame pet by an irritating little shite with no concept of personal space, no matter how pretty said little shite was.
Jaskier felt a hand grab the back of his doublet and drag him away. Geralt knew he wasn't frozen and shaking out of fear. No, that was Jaskier, with every fiber of his being, trying to suppress the urge to launch into one mother of a lecture. Geralt quickly dragged him away, for his own safety, and yeeted him into his room. As soon as Geralt closed the door, Jaskier was ranting.
Haven't any of you heard of proper hair and skin care??? How can you live like that? My gods! Did you see that-that utter tragedy??? I can hear his hair crying out for help, Geralt! It's begging to be saved!
Geralt just lets him rant, offering the obligatory 'Hmm' at the pauses in the ranting.
Jaskier gives the Witchers the benefit of the doubt and waits a few days to see if there is any improvement in their hair care routine. Perhaps he over reacted. They had been on the Path, and it was a bit difficult to keep up with proper hair care routines.
Alas, Lambert's hair continued to look a fright. If anything, it started to look worse. It had obviously been washed, sort of, but it looked like a gorse bush. Jaskier had seen healthier hair on a dog with mange.
He would bide his time. He would wait until an opportunity presented itself. And it did. It didnt' just knock, like most opportunities. This one kicked down the door with a battle scream and hurled itself upon him.
Jaskier was down in the hot springs, washing Geralt's hair for him. If he couldn't pamper Lambert's hair, he would do it vicariouly through Geralt's hair. By the time the other Witchers filtered in, Geralt's hair had been washed, conditioned, rinsed, had special oils combed through it, and had been scrunched into frizz free perfection. Jaskier was pleased to see that it had formed into it's natural bouncy waves.
Jaskier was feeling a little better now that Geralt's hair was taken care of to his satisfaction, until he looked at Lambert and his messed up hair. That was when he made a decision.
Jaskier had casually gotten out and started digging in his little basket of bath products. Everyone was distracted, sharing stories about their year on the Path. Geralt saw him casually moving around behind Lambert.
He caught his eye and discreetly crossed his arms in front of his body, hands open flat and facing down, then uncrossed them.
Jaskier looked right at him with a feral look in his eye
Jaskier made an obcene gesture at him as he pretended to look for something in his basket, taking out what he was going to need.
Geralt could only watch helplessly as Jaskier armed himself.
The bard froze for a split second when he realized Eskel was watching him. That was it. He'd been caught. It was all over! To his utter delight, the scarred Witcher winked at him and gave him a small, encouraging twitch of his head.
Eskel suddenly asked Lambert if he could tell them about his favorite story from his year on the Path. Eskel had no idea what this fiesty little bard was going to do, but if it involved p*ssing off Lambert, he was all in!
Jaskier grinned, looking between Geralt, who was shaking his head 'no', and Eskel who was nodding his head 'yes'. There was no question, absolutely none, on who he was going to listen to.
Lambert was happily telling his second best story (you never told your best one first. Save the best for last and all that.). He was really getting into his story, enjoying being back at home, where he could relax and let his guard down because the only thing here that might kill him would be Coen's cooking.
He was just getting to the good part when Oppurtunity knocked. Knocked him straight into the water. Lambert was completely unprepared when Jaskier jumped on him from behind. The Witcher pitched forward and alligator death rolled in the water, trying to dislodge the bard.
The water churned and roiled as Lambert struggled, rolling and flailing as Jaskier aggressivley clung to his back while lathering up his hair with a special soap he'd brought from Oxenfurt. Jaskier was sceaming at him the whole time on how to properly wash his hair, pausing only when Lambert's thrashing took them under the water's surface. The lecture resumed the minute they bobbed back up.
The other Witchers were howling with laughter as Lambert frantically tried to shake Jaskier off. The way they were both thrashing and struggling, it looked more like Jaskier was wrestling an alligator than trying to wash a man's hair.
Lambert kept trying to jump out of the water, even clawing at the edge of the hot spring like a cat, but Jaskier was always there, somehow dragging him back in. All Lambert could think about was how surprisingly strong the little f**ker was.
Lambert breeched the water's surface like a humpback whale, before disappearing with a splash, Jaskier holding on for dear life as he scrubbed at the Witcher's hair. He started jumping and wiggling like a fish on the end of a line, desperate to shake Jaskier off. Lambert's brothers started judging the jumps on height and form.
Lambert eventually gave up. There was just no escape. Now he knew why Geralt seemed so permissive with his bard. The poor b**tard had been worn down by his relentlesness! He sat with a scowl as Jaskier lectured him on how to properly take care of his hair while he combed conditioning lotions throught his hair, rinsed, then worked special oils through his curls.
The other Witchers sat in interested silence as they watched Jaskier work. It was almost like magic, the way he tamed the tangled mass of Lambert's hair. They kept looking at Geralt, who was lounging in the water as if this was totally normal, which judging by how good his own waves looked, it was.
By the time Jaskier was finished, Lambert's hair was a beautiful mass of soft, shiny, bouncy curls that had formed little ringlets.
Lambert left the hot springs in a pink silk sleeping bonnet, still in shock and wondering what the h*ll had just happened. He did later admit (to himself because he was not going to say it out loud) that his hair looked d*mn good. Of course, there were days when he pruposefully didn't keep up with the routine, just to p*ss off the bard.
