mila 🇦🇷

Michael Gordon’s PILLOW TALK, starring Doris Day and Rock Hudson, hit U.S. theaters #OnThisDay in 1959.

You have brought this upon yourself with this ask dear (and to all the others with similar asks this is for you) so brace yourselves to the yappatron going off on here (my sincerest apologies but you are asking me to write about twelve years’ worth of history…surely be to God you didn’t expect a sensible short and astute answer, do I sound sane to you!?!?)…

Maybe I should start by saying “Robron” is a very unique phenomenon for me because I have never invested this much into anything before, mainly feelings (*)(the word makes me nauseous; let us not get into what that says about me, but it might help in understanding my insanity when it comes to them; they hurt me by making me feel!). I have experienced fixations or engrossment (?) with other characters in books and shows or movies but never to this level, as in occupying my every thought and being. "I never had this with anyone"; I never thought I’d have it with them… I make toast and I wonder how would Robert take his…I shower and I think Aaron wouldn’t like this gel…They would love to have this table piece in their home…Robert must have secretly cried his eyes out watching this movie…Aaron really just loves Robert doesn’t he…why in the name of all that is holy am I sat here crying because Robert and Aaron happened?..etc..etc, serious illness this is. Never before, and never after, and I don’t mind it staying that way one bit. I don’t really watch anything much, haven’t for a very long time now, and nothing piques my interest; I lead a passive, disengaged, dull life…” If there ain’t no spark, there ain’t no spark love”. So, THEY are it for me! 

What makes the Cosmos so beautiful and wonderful? 

I don’t really know. I can point and list and ponder and still won’t be able to figure it out; it just is. They just are! I don’t know. But something about…

Two broken lads, neglected, hurt and abandoned, survived with gritted teeth and white knuckles; found a win in each other, found a friend in each other, and genuinely liked each other’s company. They laugh, banter, cry, and fight and know that at the end of it all, they lived a life where they were best friends, lovers, husbands, and fathers, all found in one, and they chose each other in a world where neither was chosen nor were they considered the better option by anyone else. How does one put all that into a few simple words? I wouldn’t know…

  To see this wounded boy who once said  “I am not used people giving a damn about me and I dont know how to give one back “ get to be loved completely and truly for all his flaws and faults, tempers and tenders,no compromisings and no reservations. He never wanted to be part of the freak show, never wanted to walk down streets holding hands, but he was swaddled with such love that he walked down an aisle in the middle of the village with everyone watching, holding hands and making an entire freak show his family, by choice and with pride. How does one put the joy of knowing what that love is into words? I wouldn’t know…

   For a lonely boy always on the outside of everything because “you ruin everything you touch” etched into his bones, defined by his flaws and the worst of his doings, is seen for the good in him before anything else for the first time in his life.” You try so hard for the people you love and not every one sees that but I do” because to be seen is to be loved and oh, is he so very loved. He is chosen and he belongs. How does one put the ache and the wonder of that into words? I wouldn’t know…

Two broken boys turn into messed up let down teenagers, grow into scarred adults who saw each other for who they are in the midst of the chaos and growing pains and chose to bond over it, to be ardent lovers and give what they were never graced with, friendship, love, forgiveness, care and understanding.“People don’t stay with me…people don’t forgive me.””You know…I Know”. They stand up for each other; they stand with each other, protecting each other, and they become, always, home to each other.They never knew what any of it ever meant before, they never felt worthy or deserving, and yet here they are, offering it to each other as easy as drawing breath. “And You loved me… you loved me like no one ever has before so please come home with me and let me help you this time”.

     Every other friendship and form of love they received in their lives was conditioned and contingent to an extent; it came with terms, expectations, and the constant threat of it being taken away. They were always held by others to a standard they never were or claimed to be. But not with each other! There were no facades to maintain, no illusions to perform, and no scars to cover; just the freedom of being understood, the comfort of never having to earn their place or have their faults held against them like a constant death sentence, and the simple grace of asking nothing in return but each other’s presence. "just cause we're not together anymore doesn't mean we have to stop caring about each other, i'm not turning my back on you…I'm glad you're still looking out for me." 

No sinners or saints; they screw up big time, and they make mistakes and often hurt each other, but they always knew how to apologise and learned to treat each other with respect and tried to communicate openly and make things right. "What did we say when we got back together? That we keep talking and work it out together”; there was growth and maturity they learned from each but also the bad habits they influenced in each other too, “you are doing things you claim to hate, its a good job those things impresses me “You’re a nightmare you do you know that ?” “You are not exactly a credible alibi." “You are sick …oh you love it." "Waterboarding is a bit last year, innit?” They are each other’s biggest cheerleaders in crime and punishment.

   One was always scared of the future; the other never really saw one, and yet they dreamed of one together, to build a home, a family of their own, and children with each other’s eyes, beauty and brains. They bring out the worst in each other but importantly the best in each other more; they try to be better for each other and their children* and do better than they ever had, and trying was what made the world of difference. "I think I am a better person now because of you, Liv and Seb." "For the first time in a long time I like who I am" “you made it okay to be me…you changed my life”, "I wouldn’t want to do this without you… I couldn’t do this without you." 

*(Liv was their kid sister; I consider her their kid in a sense.Leave me and my grief alone.)

    In my troubled head, you see, I will always look at Robert and see the little boy who loved an owl so much he put him in a wheelbarrow with his struggling little child hands and ran up a hill alone to keep him safe from everything and everyone. The little boy who slept in the rat-infested barn just so the lambs wouldn't feel lonely without their mother, like he did. And Aaron is the boy whose heart got enough love to wrap up a universe despite the pain and the fears; he just didn’t know how to give a damn. They carry so much love that was never given to them, and they were never taught how to completely feel and understand until they had each other. And it wasn’t something they just had or were handed to them; no, they earned it by the trust they built and proved every step of the way.Even their vows were insanely very 'them'. It wasn’t the false promise of a happy life or days of comfort but the tragic honest truth of Messed up…but with you till the end of time and I don’t want it any other way. "I am not exactly easy to love…neither am I." " I dont want easy I want messed up with you forever." Never had there been anything easy in their lives, from the day they opened their eyes to this world, but loving each other was the closest they got to ease and comfort; there is a tragedy and mercy in that peace is found in each other.

“We were going to grow old together; I would’ve done anything. I would’ve gone anywhere for him.” “I don’t care what I have as long as I’m with you… I’d rather live out my days, living my best life with you”, ” he means everything to me. He’s the love of my life.” ”Come here." “You are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with." "We were the best thing." "Admit what?" That my life is a disaster without him… he already knows that. “ no matter how hard we try we always end up sat waiting for trouble to find us”"I found someone." "In a different life, me and you, maybe we would have been different …well I can’t stop loving you in this one." It's me". What do poets know of poetry and love if they have never heard these two speak of each other? 

Historically, kingdoms used to wage wars to form such an allegiance. They are not so far in that there are often trails of bodies and crimes in their path of finding each other, and I am sure that is the case in every lifetime. Attempts of murder, each other and others here and there, spanners sparking, wrenches flying, radiator tying…flawed beings but always with passion and devotion, where else do you get that ? They are best friends who jeer and jest at the other villagers, fully aware of the fragile crystal ball they live in themselves; they commit crimes as ride or die, so what is there to fear? And they are lovers betrothed to each other even when the world is crashing and burning around them. Where else would you find a more romantic line than “if you’re looking for your wing mirrors, I chucked them over a wall”or ”we are going to destroy these peasants”? "its us, its you and me innit ?" They never had this with anyone and will never have this with anyone, no matter how much the world twists and turns and spins out of axis.

    Perhaps it is that they make the cynical heart believe in the concept of love. Not the glorified, decorated version of it displayed everywhere, but the muddied, raw, honest version, the one that makes you question everything: the painful and disgusting vulnerability of it. The love where you chose to, despite the wrongs, the hurt, and the tragedy of it; and you think, I would choose it all again in a heartbeat if it meant with you. They choose loving each other time and time again when every single part of the universe screams otherwise, but souls tethered are souls tethered. They knotted their red strings with stubbornness and defiance against the world but with a silent promise to each other. You look at that and foolishly and willingly believe… What a privilege to have someone know you better than anyone, in the softest of voices and gentlest of touches, the chaos of your tempers, and sees you inbetween the blurry lines of who you are when you yourself have forgotten. How does one even begin to hold something as magnanimous and vast as their life and love in a few simple words? I wouldn't know…

      "What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us."~Helen Keller. I am forever grateful I got to have this with them, and I will always keep them like a book that altered my life, resting on a shelf weathered by time and age, in my memories of youth, my understanding of friendship, and what it means to be truly loved. Some stories live on forever, because they become part of you and you carry it on for all times. 

this is not necessarily a blanket defense of the man himself and whatever he says, and you don't need to take it that way. it's just an awareness of the big picture situation. the inconsistency in how the topic of destiel is handled at conventions is just a symptom/repercussion of this enduring fact of life. the industry + fandom politics that created the uphill battle for destiel that we're all familiar with haven't gone anywhere, and the situation will persist until/unless canon continues and makes this more explicit. it's not new, will never be new no matter how many years this continues, and doesn't change the fact that dean is canonically bi and in love with cas.

I know this, you know this, we all know this. and while it is a bitch of an unsatisfactory situation, and no one asked for my 5 cents, I simply think we should all remember the joke of "no peace and never done" exists for a reason and then maybe find some inner peace about the predictable chaos.

This is a soap opera problem that I've also seen in Hollyoaks, especially with gay couples. Once they stabilize as a couple, the writers only start looking for ways to separate them, and they have ruined even very popular couples in the worst way (like HayRay, recently).

But going back to Emmerdale, and on a more optimistic note, I don't think they went through the trouble of convincing Ryan to return after 6 years just to keep Robert with some lazy writing… and they also can't afford to waste Danny. I trust that Emmerdale will be smarter than Hollyoaks and will know how to take care of their popular couples. I hope that when I get to Robron 2026, they already have the treatment they deserve ✨

I've always wanted you.