The Unsung Singer

Around this same time last year, was my first episode.

I don’t know what else to call it as I am not very educated with these kinds of things. To describe it would be too hard because I myself do not completely understand why it happens… what triggers it. But because writing about how it feels would, I think, help me with the realization of it then that is what I am going to do.

During my first few episodes, I used to have a reason. I knew exactly why what was happening, happened. At least then, I do not feel at a loss. Then, it was easier to put blame on something that was making me feel that way.

But now.

Now it is different.

A thought enters my mind. Then another, conflicting with the first. Then a third, making everything chaotic. Then another and another and another. And everything inside was just a mess.

A big mess.

A mess I want to get out of but can’t because I am inside it… or it is inside me. I don’t know.

Then a tear falls down my face. Then another. And another.

Then I shout for someone to help me. Help me get out of this mess that I created. Unknowingly or unconsciously, I do not really know the difference.

Someone comes, usually my mom as she makes everything better. She asks me what’s wrong but because I do not have an answer I began to wail even louder.

Like someone died.

Like I died.

Like I was dying.

I remember wanting to just vanish whenever this happens.

I tell my mother, over and over and over, that I’m tired and I just don’t want to anymore.

Don’t want to deal with the pain.

With the fact that so long as I’m alive this would keep happening.

And I hate it.

I don’t know how long these episodes last. 10 minutes, maybe 30.

But to me, it feels like another lifetime has passed before I compose myself.

That was a lie.

I don’t compose myself.

I don’t know how to.

I just get tired of crying and wailing and thinking.

So I stop.

And for a while even my ability to feel stops.

I feel empty inside.

My outsides are like machines that I don’t really care about.

I am breathing and I know I’m alive.

But I feel dead inside.

And during these moments I just want to stop existing.

Because I am so tired.

(with my friends Soc and Adrielle)

(me with Harvey and Arvin)

(again with Adrielle and Arvin)

This month gave me so much opportunity to spend time with some of my best and awesome friends from high school. College became this bitch of a barrier, with all its school works and conflicting schedules, hindering us to just chill the way we used to. But it was nice catching up to them! Really nice and refreshing and just totally amazing. Also! I’ve known these people for most of my life! So just the fact that we’re still good friends makes my heart swell with happiness and love.

I lost something this month which, I realize, I’ve taken for granted.

My love and passion for writing.

It probably sounds crazy, trust me I thought the same thing, but apparently things like this happen.

For as long as I can remember (and I swear I’m not bragging or anything), I’ve tried my damnest to think about the consequences of my actions. Specially, to others. I made sure that everything I do and say would not hurt anybody. And as much as I think that’s something to be proud of, that same attitude made me neglect my own feelings. I want to be selfish, and yea sure sometimes I am, but for the most part I just can’t be. My ‘selflessness’ and the fact that I cared far too much about what other people might say, made it a lot harder for me to do what I want.

So while I was considering what it is I want (which is becoming a barista) and what the people around me want for me (which is anything related to my course), I completely forgot what I’m good at and that which—I now know—would make me happiest (I’m referring to writing in this one in case you haven’t figured that out). I got caught in the middle of this hurricane that is confusion that was made by these looming decisions I’m far too afraid to do. I got scared of making the wrong one or that my loved ones wouldn’t support whatever decision I make that I know would ultimately make me happy. Or at least at the time, I thought it would make me damn happy.

I’m glad I’m wrong, really. And that my mind is now cleared with this stupid fog of confusion. And honestly, I’m thankful that what happened, happened now and not later in life because I think that would really screw me then. At least this early on, I was made to realize of what I can do and be confident with my talents.

—

(Sizzum’s bf, Sizzum, Mudra, and Me)

First things first, the girls went to Manila Ocean Park to see some fishies! As well as other animals and even insects. It was our first time there and we all had loads of fun, albeit being dead tired at the end. It’s not everyday the child in us comes out, so we seized the day and made sure we see and experience all that we can. We even went on some of the attractions twice because my sister’s boyfriend joined us later in the day, so naturally we had to come with them so he sees everything that we’ve seen already.

On our second time inside (not really inside-inside but sort of inside) the Oceanarium, me and my mom decided to look for a place where we could sit and wait for my sister and her boyfriend while they watch every kind of aquatic animal swim. While I was sitting there surrounded by three big aquariums, one of them houses medium sized sharks, it happened...

A realization — I know I should’ve had before but didn’t because I don’t often go to these kinds of places and if I’m ever in one I tend to forget and lose myself because all I want is to satiate my own curiosity and fulfillment — clicked inside my head. It wasn’t right. To have every kind of animal and insect to be held captive inside small cages for the amusement and monetary benefit of people. They have their own place in this world and it’s not inside a tank which is not even a tenth as big as their natural habitat. It is our job to make sure that their homes are taken care of and not build small, fake ones just so they can “live more comfortably” and “be protected”. Utter BS.

I used to think I’m only a kid and I don’t have the means to help stop these kinds of atrocities. But I’m older now so I’m going to find a way, because I know there is one, and once I do I’m going to actively participate in eliminating such cruelty.

If there’s one good thing I did get from this, aside from quality time with my family (or some of my family anyway), are good pictures (which I took without the flash enabled because I’m a good girl and I obey the rules, plus I don’t want to cause the animals anymore stress).

On the 27th, I went to see Youtube FanFest for the second consecutive time (I don’t think that’s even right but idrc) with two of my college buddies. And to say I had fun was the biggest understatement of the year. 

First of all, we had meet and greet passes — it’s really a wristband but whatever — and we’re able to meet ALL the Youtubers. THAT WAS CRAZY! I mean, sure I wasn’t able to meet all of them because of the long lines, but I still managed to meet a couple of them and that was pretty amazing.

(me with Tyler Ward, Tanner Patrick, Wengie, my friend G and Lloyd Cafe Cadena and Bogart the Explorer)

Then I met HIM. The reason I was there in the first place.

I met Connor Franta. The Connor Franta.

It’s evident in this photo how happy I was. I was almost in tears even! It’s such a surreal moment because I see him only on the other side of the screen of my phone or computer and then to see him in the flesh... OH MY GOD. I remember not knowing what to say, then it came to me that my birthday was literally two days after that. So I told him and said that meeting him was the best birthday gift (which wasn’t a lie I swear) and he smiled and wished me a happy birthday. God, until now I still can’t believe that happened. CUH-RAY-ZAY.

After the meet in greet was the live show and that was even more epic. I even saw some local Youtubers like Janina Vela and Wil Dasovich before the show! What a treat! And because I’m almost 21 then, I was able to see the show from start to finish. That and the fact that I have a ride so my mom wasn’t so worried.

(Kai, Andrea, G, and Me)

All those good, crazy, amazing things plus meeting new friends made everything perfect. I’m not very sociable, these kinds of gatherings make me nervous to no end so just being able to conquer that is such a big thing to me. One point for me, I guess!

Then on the 29th of May I celebrated my 21st name day (I’ve been reading Game of Thrones). I have to say, it was the chillest celebration I’ve ever had. Just me with my family, watching Jurassic World and Olympus has Fallen on the confines our sweet, little living room, eating spicy tuna spaghetti. I could not have asked for more.

—

May really is my month. Always have, always will be.

(photos taken before and during the ceremony)

On the way to PICC, where it all ended, I was unbelievably nervous. Which was crazy, now that I think about it as I didn’t even make a speech. I just literally went up the stage, took my dummy diploma, and went back down to return to my seat. Didn’t even took me half a minute to do all that! But I was nervous af and it was kinda nice to know that all my friends feel the exact same thing.

(celebratory dinner at La Mesa Griil)

This was one amazing night. Still is, actually. I can’t remember the last time we had dinner outside as a complete family. I’m sure I was still very little when it happened and I’m glad to be the reason why it happened again! This was actually on the verge of not happening as there’d be no one to take care of my Nan if we would all go. Good thing everything worked out! Side note, I saw one of my friends as she and her family were about to leave the same restaurant! What are the chances of that!

The only thing that didn’t go as planned, well I didn’t plan it really, was a photo op while I was still wearing my toga. My mom made me wear it @ dinner but it was too hot and so I begged her to let me get it off. So just before I returned it, we took a picture without much care as to how we look. 

-

A couple of things have already happened in May but that’s for another post. I’m having quite the time of my life right now, just chilling and taking a break from it all. College (well, at least the very last parts of me) took such a toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Now all I want, as what my family wants for me as well, is to recuperate. And that’s exactly what I’m doing! Though I post rather late, I have no regrets.

So yea, I was accepted and they gave me a task that I can actually do and which is related to what I study. I was to write 10 articles in the course of 10 weeks and write other content for some of their websites. I remember thinking ‘I can do this’, ‘This is what I’m good at’, and ‘I can do more than 10 but since your not asking, who am I to offer?’. They also asked me to research some stuff which included young bloggers who I was to contact, befriend, and ask (without actually asking) to have Pickld’s blog be featured on one of their blog posts. When I heard this, my confidence dwindled. I knew for sure I wouldn’t be able to do it. But I still tried. At the end though, I got one reply from each of the bloggers I contacted and that was it. They got my hopes up only to crush them into pieces. Talk about life.

It was a good 3 months. Well, just 200 hours really. I learned so much from the experience and from the amazing people I spent my internship with. I’ll miss everything. Without a doubt.

The morning commute.

Having to wait for them before we can get lunch.

Walking to the lunch place.

The actual lunch.

The meetings that I’m not usually part of.

And those where I am. (I swear I don’t usually look this unamused every meeting.)

Taking stolen pictures.

Chilling/sleeping on the sofa/meeting area.

Taking stolen pics after sleeping on the meeting area. (To be fair! I’ve only slept thrice - twice on the sofa and once on my desk - and that was because I was very tired! I still had school okay?! Besides, they were all cool with it... I think.)

The office.

And most definitely. The amazing people.

I know they’ll miss me, too. For sure.

I honestly never thought I’d be able to accomplish that 200 hours. Not because I think it was too long but because I’ve so much more going on at school. Multiple times I’d be at Pickld HQ and still be worried about school and vice versa. It was a crazy time. Crazy.

But fun. I had lots of fun! And I’ve learned a lot, too. Like the fact that working with the male species turned out to be just full of laughter and jokes and banter. And that I love writing. More than I thought I already do. And that it’s the one thing I wouldn’t want other people to pay me to do but something that I want only for myself. Call me selfish but I just don’t want to go through the stressful act of waiting for someone to approve something I wrote. Don’t get me wrong, I love and enjoyed what I did for Pickld. It’s just that I don’t think it’s something that I actually wanna do in the future as a job. Or maybe I will because I’d be left with no choice but to do anything and everything to get a decent work. But then again I’m not very good at it so... Let’s just see.

Those 10 articles I wrote actually changed my perspective on a lot of things and made me learn something vital. As they center on the thought/topic ‘You Deserve To Be You’, I found myself not having much of an opinion about how people act, talk, dress, or just basically live their life, precisely because they deserve to be themselves. As they say, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ . I mean, I’d definitely want people to respect how I choose to live mine.

---

So there we were at the ticket booth paying for our tickets, as you do, when we found out TOO LATE that we’d have to wait an hour for the train to arrive. By that time I was thinking I had an hour to take courage from these friends of mine and just go do it. It’s not like I have a choice anyway as I’ve already bought my ticket as well. The other part of me, the sane one, was telling me to just screw that 10 pesos, think of it as a gift to the people maintaining (if it was being maintained that is) the PNR and just ride the jeepney instead. But I was broke at the time (still am) and I just can’t afford to not take what my money has cost me. So I decided, halfheartedly, to ride that awful train with them.

As the train was coming, I heard the fast and loud beat of my heart more than the sound of the transport. I was that scared. My friends, were trying to reassure me that everything was going to be okay and that I needn’t worry too much. That the train won’t be packed, the way I see it every single morning, and that I would be able to breathe. They promised.

I stepped into the train, had to fight my way in because of the many people wrestling their way out, and found that it wasn’t packed as my friends said. Turned out we had enough luck as the part of the train we were at had a well-functioning fan that was the only thing that allowed me to breathe as normally as possible. But once the train started to run, it became clear on our faces, that we are on a TRAIN-RIDE FROM HELL. Up until now I still don’t understand why it felt like there was an earthquake or as if the tracks were not flat when they were. Also, why is that train still being used? IT’S DANGEROUS FOR F***’S SAKE!

Then we found out that two of our friends weren’t able to ride the train because there were just so many people getting out and since male passengers are separated from the females, we weren’t able to know this ahead of time. What’s worse than that is the fact that they have our tickets. We were damn screwed, we were sure of it. When we reached our destination we had to pay a fine, which isn’t that expensive just the same amount of the fare, but two of my friends decided they wouldn’t go down without a fight. Granted they have a point and a right, I thought it wasn’t worth it and so I just go far away from them as possible and calm my nerves instead.

After that small commotion, we met up with our friends who didn’t make the train ride and then just ate pizza. Because pizza is the best medicine for literally everything.

(why’d I even blur this pic when it can be clearly seen that it’s a BLD?! ffs)

On the 7th day of the month, I found my graduation dress on H&M. I wasn’t properly looking for one as I know how early it still was and there are still a lot of things that needed to be done and much more that could happen (a taste of my cynicism right there. ha!). But I was with my friends that day, who were actually looking for one, and when they decided they’d see what H&M has to offer I just went with them as I don’t wanna go home yet. Wrong move. Or not. So we went in, I tried this one dress, and then I fell in love with it. But it didn’t have my size. So I had to reluctantly let it go, all the while thinking that this is the kind of dress I’m gonna look for and wear.

The next day we went to Trinoma as one of our friends said there are a lot of dresses there to choose from. And there were! But there's just too many and it turned out to be too overwhelming, dizzying, and exhausting. So we went to SM North instead. Me still just canvasing, my other friend actually looking for a dress. We searched at the department store, tried different dress but still nothing.

The friend of mine, the one actually looking, decided to go to Celine and see if there’s anything there that she’ll like. And she did! Granted her size was on another branch but still! Lucky girl. Then my amazing besties decided to help me find my dress on that branch of H&M. The six of us looked everywhere and lo and behold it was there! With my size on it too! I tried it on and with their approval, I bought it. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the money. So did I steal it? F*** NO! A friend of mine lent me money. And so I bought it with a smile on my face and also thanking for the good friends that I have.

(my college friend, Cheng, having her makeup done for her shoot)

We had our graduation picture taken! It was lot’s of fun but a bit scary for me, as everything seems to be for me nowadays. And did make everything final, as if all’s gonna end soon. And I guess it is, maybe I’m just not yet ready. No scrap that. I am ready. I can’t wait to finally be out of school! But working, I can totally wait a long time for that one.

After a week I got an unedited copy of my picture and this is what it looks like. As I said it was unedited so I had to blur it as I wasn’t very confident/comfortable posting it. I’ll just post the finish product right after I got it. Promise!

(L to R, from above: Jomar, me, Mc, Ghie, Jean, Reyn, Ronnel, Cheng, Nino, Gianna)

And this is one of the group pics with my friends. God, i love these people!

(San Sebastian Church)

This year’s Holy Week landed on this month as well and as part of a tradition, me and my mom took part in Visita Iglesia which happens every Maundy Thursday. Basically we just went to different churches to pray. And oneof  the places we went to is San Sebastian Church. I think it’s only been the third time I’ve been there but the awe I felt was the same as the first time I saw it. I mean, look at it (the photo above)! It makes you feel like you’re in Europe! It’s just exquisite. Beautiful. It makes me wanna go to Europe. Now.

Speaking of Europe, me and my friend Gianna went to Venice on the last day of the month. And by Venice I mean the little one at Taguig. It was pretty charming but not quite exciting as the whole place is not yet fully operating, only a few of the many shops and restaurants are open and the rest are still being built. But I’m sure it’ll have a close vibe to the original once everything’s in place. But then again, how would I know? I’ve never been to the actual Venice, Italy!

(me and Gianna)

Then we head to Burgos Circle to get the Instax she ordered and have a bit of fun with it! The photo above is the first picture taken. Quite lovely ain’t it!

And then here’s me with the grand Leaning Tower. Really, I’m just prepping for the real one. Ha!

It was just nice to chill and have a little (or tons of) laugh with a friend who knows how freeing the past 2 weeks have been especially after a maddeningly crazy semester. Or college life really!

  ---

So that was March for me. It was loads of fun but very stressful af. But school’s officially over now, as all my grades have now been completed. Just a couple more things and I’d be graduating. For realz. It’s scary, not gonna lie. Sometimes I think about the unknown future and I just wanna vomit because of this gaping uncertainty. But then again that’s just life. I can’t know everything that my future holds for me because it would most definitely take the surprise away from my life and I’d see no purpose, I guess.

But last August, he was chosen as one of the exchange students going to Malaysia, and there he lived for 5 months. I remember the excitement I felt when I heard the news mixed with the feeling of pride for him, one of my awesome childhood friends. Part of me also thought that him being there would mean that we'd get to communicate even less than when he was here. But I was wrong! If anything, we found time to message each other from time to time just to catch up and say how much we miss one another. Also, I never thought I'd be saying this, BUT... Snapchat was one - if not the sole - thing that kept us closer.

Seriously though, what can't technology do anymore?!

(me, my friends, and my sisters)

Speaking of Snapchat... It's one of the apps I am currently obsessed with!

I used to think it was a waste of time posting pictures and videos that only last for 24 hours and will be gone forever. Plus, I'm not like those people who are fond of taking selfies (don't want this to turn deep and lonely but I feel like I had to) as my face is one big insecurity of mine (I've said it, not gonna elaborate). But when another friend of mine who lives abroad told me that he's "always" in Snapchat (meaning he posts one or twice a week, i mean wth?) and I should download it so we could catch up more, I gave it a try.

At first it was confusing af but when I got the hang of it, I wouldn't let a day pass without posting a snap (except when I'm feeling very poorly, of course). I also get excited to see the snaps of those I follow everyday. Aside from the fact that it's loads of fun, I've also conquered my insecurity of taking selfies and now I just don't give a single f about it. Anyways, people who follow me on it are so used to how I look and wouldn't criticize me for it so I thought 'Wth, if they don't like what they see or get fed up with it they could always unfollow/unfriend me' (still not used to the terms, not sorry).

And recently, with the help of my amazing friends yet again, I've discovered that apparently my phone also has these silly cool filters everyone is so into. Now, most of my snaps have it and I legitly look forward to the available filters everyday. I swear it feels like Christmas to me!!!

(with some of my co-researchers and my professors)

Let's talk about something school related.

So, twice I've posted here about the draining thesis we made end of last year. And guess what?! OUR PAPER WAS ONE OF THE TWO BEST THESES IN OUR CLASS!! YAAAAAAS!!

I remember the shock on our faces when we got the news. It's not that our research was not very good, if anything we put all efforts in that and we are damn proud of it. It's just that we weren't really expecting for it to go that far as we mainly did it to complete our requirements. Because of this though, we were given the opportunity to present it on the annual colloquium of our department. I was one of the presenters (almost had a panic attack as I do) and I thought I was going to mess it up so bad but it went.... okay. Then again I had a cheat sheet. :)

(with some college buddies, other Dabarkads, and Bae)

This month proved to be the best when I, along with some of my college bffs, went to Broadway (not Broadway-Broadway obvi) and watched Eat Bulaga live!!

YES. I SAW RICHARD FAULKERSON JR. AKA ALDEN RICHARDS IN THE FLESH!!!

I still can't believe it. It's all so surreal. He looked like a freaking angel sent from above. It's crazy how someone can exude so much goodness, not to mention hotness. I know that he never looked at me then but whenever he would glance at our side of the audience, I can't help but shout my approval of his sexiness. I also saw some of the other Dabarkads, including Vic Sotto aka Bossing who is so mother effin’ handsome. Such a shame that Maine Mendoza aka Yaya Dub wasn't there. But it was still definitely an experience that I will never ever forget. I do hope I get to go back and see, hopefully even meet, Aldub. <3

My February was quite amazing and the things I mentioned are the highlights that brought happiness to my heart. It was indeed the love month, not because I was out and about with my non-existent other half, but because I realized that I am capable of loving the act of trying and experiencing new things that would have made me cower in fear if presented with the idea, years or just months back.

---

On December 15, we celebrated my cousin’s wedding. It was such a big deal especially to me and my siblings because he’s our only cousin from my mother’s side of the family. We’ve practically lived on the same roof our whole lives and just the thought of him leaving is both upsetting and exciting at the same time. I mean, I know I’m not the only one who’s pumped to see my little nieces and nephews soon!

That big occasion meant that my aunt and uncle had to go home from South Africa. We haven’t seen each other in 3 years and it was really nice catching up and bonding with them for a month.

The photo above of me, my cousin, and his parents was taken in Cloud 9, a restaurant that overlooks the entirety of Manila. You can choose to go to the observatory deck through a long flight of stairs or a very steep hanging bridge. I first tried the former with my aunt and the latter with my cousin and uncle. AND I HAVE TO SAY. I am so damn proud I didn’t have a panic attack because I would’ve died if I did at the middle of crossing that bridge.

On the 22nd, me and my high school buddies had our annual Christmas dinner. It was so much fun as it was the only time of the year that we can all actually get together. Well, not really ALL as 2 of our friends are abroad. Hopefully, this year though we’d be complete.

The day after Christmas we went to Wawa Dam in Rodriguez Rizal. It’s a serene landscape that’s part man-made and part natural. I remember finding myself quiet multiple times as I was struck by the sheer beauty and simplicity of the place. It’s one of those spots where you know you’d go back, even alone, just to think. And I would gladly do just that.

On the 2nd day of 2016, me and some high school friends went mountain climbing on Tanay, Rizal. IT WAS THE MOST INTENSE THING I HAVE DONE YET. First thing, just going there we had to pay loads - and I mean LOADS - of fees. It was crazy because it literally felt like we have to pay every time we move.

Then while we were on our way to the mountain, the bridge we had to cross broke and was getting fixed. By hand. I still can’t believe we crossed a bridge made of wood above a raging river. I swear I thought I was going to die.

Just when we thought things won’t get any worse, while we were climbing the steep side of the mountain, it started to rain. I don’t know why none of us decided to look into the weather of the place but nobody did and so we suffered. In the end, we decided to stop at the middle of our climb and proceed to our next destination which was a cave. 

The realization that our way down would be a lot harder and dangerous made me feel scared and sick af. All my energy dwindled and my every step felt like a burden. I still went on because I either move forward or get left behind. And that’s really not much of a choice. We slipped, we fell but because of our trusty tour guide we were able to get to the cave safely and with very few scratches. 

I’d say that the cave was quite rewarding after everything we’ve been through just to get there but then the feeling of happiness vanished when I remembered that I had to cross the rickety bridge and a set of muddy wooden stairs again. By this time the attention of kuya, our guide, was all on me as all my steps aren’t stable anymore and one wrong move I’d fall.

All in all it was really an experience. Something that I don’t think I’d be doing again soon because I can still remember how freaking sore my entire body felt after an entire week. 

A video posted by Kristine Lucas (@itsmeklu) on Dec 31, 2015 at 1:28am PST

2015 was awesome. I went to various places with my dearest friends and I’ve learned a lot from those experiences. Of course, it wasn’t all fun and adventure. I’d say it was one challenging year and to be able to get out of it alive is one effing accomplishment.