Scrolling through tumblr. It’s been a minute. Gosh was I a emotional train wreck of a person. 2017 broke me. Then somehow by the grace of God, glued me back together. And then broke me again. But it’s weird, because though I faced rejection after rejection; after all the bullshit I’ve faced and shit I’ve seen and heard, I’m still hopeful. 2018 is going to be the year of UNcomfort zones. Stepping out of bounds, over reaching, shooting high-because why the fuck not. 2018 is going to be the year for me. The year to build this person, this lifestyle, that I have been dreaming of since I was 17. Cheers.

I was at dinner the other night with a few friends. Slightly intoxicated, but still on earth (surprisingly). As we were sitting, talking, the conversation became more and more inaudible to me. It faded away. I paid more attention to the water condensation on my cup than the people that surrounded me. And under my breath, I think I mouthed out the words "what the fuck am I doing?", at least five times. At LEAST. What was I doing? Drunk at 3AM on a Sunday morning in some restaurant with people I hardly knew. I feel like I've inhabited a body that no longer belongs to myself. And all I want to do is be home. I have become an empty shell that nods and shakes his head as replies. I have grown to live a lifestyle that is similar to the letter O. you know, constant. Every day is the same. It starts the same. And it ends the same. And I really would like to break that cycle. Maybe become a Z or something. It's 1:30 AM and I have no idea what I'm saying. Lol. So back to this whole "home" idea. I don't know where I live anymore. Who am I? I know what other people think I am. But I don't even know. So how can someone else have a better understanding of who I am, than me? I'm not the same everyday, is what I've come to realize. Today I bought string cheese. Why? I don't know. But tomorrow I probably won't and I'll probably grow a hatred towards it. But cheers though. To the people that think they know me. At this point all I'm doing is grumbling. I'm surrounding myself with meaningless conversations and people that I don't know. I live the same day, everyday. And I don't know where I live. I would like to break this cycle without breaking myself. So please. God, Buddha, whom ever. It doesn't matter. Help me break my cycle so I can finally live my damn life without going insane. P.S.: totally gonna buy string cheese tomorrow.

You know when you talk to someone and it feels nostalgic almost? It feels like you've spoken to them before. But it never gets old. Is always engaging. Refreshing. You feel like you could talk for hours with this person and the conversation would keep its pace. And it makes you happy. Like, weirdly, out of this world happy that somehow, the earth and the universe put you in the right spot at the right time and you decided to spark a conversation that can change you. Change you to be better. To be stronger. To not text him or her. To know that you deserve better. To move out of your comfort zone and follow your dreams. To live your life. I wanna be that for someone.

We’re never really alone, are we.