Reasons Cale Henituse is the funniest motherfucker:
*People cheering for him in the streets* Hm. Don’t like that.
His self-proclaimed speciality is just disassociating on command
Someone: *helps him*
Cale: *sighs* I guess I have to solve every problem you’ve ever had
When learning a language, memorised all the swear words before anything else
“I don’t like cats,” says Cale, holding two kittens tenderly, plotting a rebellion to instate a third cat as the new emperor
Single father of *checks notes* uh… 3 to 14 children,
All he wants is to retire to the country; can’t stop getting into international incidents
His relationship with the crown prince is basically: *points at each other* Bastard
Keeps telling people not to trust him while saving their asses from certain destruction
This loser thinks he’s ‘quiet’ and ‘good at keeping still’
Cale: *smiles gently*
Everyone: oh god stop What the Fuck
‘Accidental Baby Acquisition’ trope but it’s ‘Accidental Family Acquisition’ and they’re all agents of chaos
“I heard you got hurt,” says a concerned child.
“Yes, I coughed up blood.” Cale comforts, comfortingly.
[Girl hits on him] No thanks [Guy hits on him] No thanks
Everyone: you’re a good person
Cale: incomprehensible, have a terrible day
Named his adopted son, a dragon, ‘Dragon’
Tells people to drink tea before pulling out something that will make them spray it everywhere like a cartoon
*to a 13 year old* No you can’t train to become a knight you’re too young
*to a 5 year old* Alright tonight we’re gonna blow up an island and participate in the slaughter of half a race make sure to protect me well
His entire fucking backstory, like what? What???
Raon: I’ve only had this human for an hour and a half but if anything happened to him I would kill everyone on this continent and then myself
Cale: That’s terrifying please stop talking
Never thinks, at any point, to tell anyone that he has a healing power
He’s THE most extra bitch. Orchestrates his b&e’s like he’s conducting an opera, always plans for maximum Dramatic Effect
*The crown prince doesn’t help in a terror incident* That’s fine because he’s weak. *Finds out he’s strong actually* Bastard??????
Gives his kids an extravagant allowance. Doesn’t let them spend it and buys everything for them instead
‘I should have just got beaten up’, Cale thinks, war waging around him. ‘That would be far less annoying.’
ellievsbear
areudirty
2087
tangentwithtanner
romaincrisis
yousharknotpass
titsay
dailybridgerton
