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He closed his eyes as they teared up, making his chest heavy and his lungs burn as he tried to breath normally.

Phil.

He thought about the boy he left waiting for him, the boy that hugged him and whispered how much he needed him. How he had to come back. Come back to him. Come back home.

Dan thought about his blue eyes, which were also a little green and a little yellow. He thought about Phil's weird coloured hair that he liked to get his fingers entwined into. He thought about his soft skin, the red that would take his sharp cheekbones when he was happy or ashamed. He thought about his pink lips and how he first felt them against his when he was on his way to his almost certain death.

He also remembered how he heart melted when he first met him. He was at The Hob, his mother was trying to sell something when he saw two big blue eyes, staring direct at him. Phil smiled when he got noticed, waving a hand happily and poking his tongue between his teeth. Dan only looked away.

The next time they got together was because Dan's father thought he and PJ were more than friends. He walked in on the two boys whispering to each other, faces close enough to almost kiss. And he didn't want a gay son.

Dan was kicked out, his mother and his young brother crying because they knew Dan's destiny. He'd die from starvation or hypothermia. No one would help him and he couldn't blame them. One more mouth means less food for their own children, so they would just pretend he wasn't there, dying alone because his father never loved him.

Destiny, however, didn't do what everyone expected. Phil Lester, the blue eyed boy who owned the most beautiful smile Dan had ever seen, took him home.

He was sleeping outside Phil's house, trying to escape the pouring rain and to survive at least a couple more days. He didn't get why he wanted to live, he didn't have anything to live for, but he tried. And then Phil saw him, looking broken as he entered his house and started to shout out at his parents. The next thing Dan remembered was his weight being carried inside the house by Phil and his body being wrapped up with a thin blanket.

He couldn't manage to say anything for days. His tongue was too heavy inside his mouth and his eyes always avoiding others. He knew he shouldn't been there, he was taking food from someone else's mouth, but every time he decided he was going to leave, Phil would show up with his big smile and a plate of soup. He'd feed him slowly, looking at him as he was something precious. Dan would just let him, because he couldn't change Phil's decision to take him in, even though Dan knew he was taking up their space.

When he finally said something, Phil almost shone, his eyes widening and his mouth hanging agape. Then he took Dan's hands between his and kissed his knuckles softly, shaking his head.

"Don't say that, you aren't a unwanted weight.", and for some reason, Dan let himself believe that.

Dan opened his eyes, hearing something coming from his left. He held his breath, closing his fists firmly against his spear, Phil's name filling his mind and the determination to come back to him almost devouring Dan.

He thought about their first kiss, about all the things Phil did for him, he thought about how much he was loved and how much he loved the other boy. He had to win.

He had to come to Phil.

In seventeen years no one got to know me, no one ever bothered to try. I thought you'd be like everyone else, like all the people who tried to be my friend, but soon just left. Because everyone left, Phil. Nothing ever stayed. Happiness, hope, love... They come and give you the taste of what's good in life. And then, they disappear. The only thing that stayed with me were my scars. But somehow... You also stayed.

Your scars will always be printed in my mind. Each ugly line, with its different shades and reasons always would come back and haunt me. They always seemed to scream at me, hurt me in the worst ways, that it was my fault, like I should've been with you. Sometimes I'd agree with them, but most of the times I'd just shake my head, put a smile on my face and focus in what I could and would do now that I was in your life.

I never understood why you cared, why you stayed and made me feel better. I was almost running out of hope and reasons to live. I was almost at the point when you look at your life and just want to run away for everyone and everything. I almost gave up. But then you showed up and you caught my attention. Finally I had something to keep me grounded. You kept me alive.

There were times when I'd look at you and feel so scared. Scared to lose what I just got. Scared that I couldn't keep you with me. You became my best friend without notice and all my life suddenly revolved around you. I didn't mind, I liked to take care of you and be there for you. It was like I had found my mission in this world after years of being just the friend people sometimes needed. I finally was a constant in someone's life and I never felt more alive.

I felt warm. After a long time being cold, I felt like I had fire running in my bloodstream. I knew my lips were curved in a open smile, I knew my eyes were crinkling on its sides and my heart was beating fast in my chest. And I knew that you running and almost falling to get to me was the reason. Part of me found your clumsiness funny and the other part was just happy that I finally had someone who would run just to be close to me.

When I looked to your arms and saw that no new scar was added, I felt so happy. I felt like my heart would explode like a firework. It may sound cheesy, but I think that's something you always liked about me. We were like different sides of a same coin, one need the other to be something, to mean something. I'd be the dorky one and you'd be the sarcastic one and somehow we fitted together.

One day I woke up and realized that I was selfish prick. You can deny that and say that I'm flawless or shit but I could see that after everything you did for me, I never did anything in return. I couldn't do a big act like you, but I could try give you at least a small portion of the happiness you were filling me with. Because I know you always said my happiness made you happy, but I felt like I had to work to make you smile, I felt like I had to gave up some things like you did for me. Because I knew if you were happy because of me... I'd be the happiest I could ever be.

When you first came to school with wearing a color other than black, I almost tripped over my own feet. Your grey sweater looked like a potato bag, but it was like it was made for you. Even with the way the sleeves would fall over your hands and your collarbones exposed making me rethink a lot of aspects of my life, it was perfect. You were blushing under my gaze, your covered hands holding your backpack straps with force and your lips with a ghost of a smile. You were shining for me.