Brilliance.

she’s not trying that hard to stay awake. she wishes she were though. if that was said a few minutes ago, before she managed to shake him awake–or flutter her fingers close to his skin, enough to have him blink his eyes open. it would have been even more false. right now, the truth of it has slipped just a bit down the grey line. she might be nearing a lie if she tries to protest, she might be. so maybe–just maybe he’s hit the right nail and she’s trying to stay awake. 

funny how her mind just makes this turn, round and round, from step zero all the way over to that same step where she thought she could get away from. funny how life has a way of making it obvious that the truth never lies really far. it’s when you start looking for it elsewhere that you start lying to yourself and start finding excuses.

so yes, the truth is s simple as yes. she’s trying to not fall asleep and it draws a smile on her face. but there are reasons for that action, reasons for that truth. number one and most important of all, “oppa, whenever else are we going to get a morning like this again?” 

she still has that smile. it’s soft, she feels soft with it. not enough to give in and let her eyes close and let him have it the way she knows she also wants it. sleepy, lying down, enjoying having him here and that he’s enjoying having her there as well. but even with that smile, there’s still a bit of a solemn touch to her voice. it sounds serious, real, too close to the reality of things. 

she should have laughed it off, should have played it amused. but she couldn’t. so hyuna’s let the truth slip through her voice, because the real state of mind she’s been in and she will have to stay in once he has to leave again. it’s real enough that she’s already dreading it. nobody goes to bed fearing dreams when they know that they will be dreaming of what they miss the most. not really. but everybody must be fearing the wake up when they know that it will be back to a world without the one thing they dream of. 

there are all sort of dilemma in this world. hyuna knows how to handle most of them at least. she knows the best way to stop thinking about him and him not being there is simply to go on, work, do her ow things and she does them. when she has no other choice she does. she’s not dependent. but there’s nothing more–reassuring than knowing that the part in her life he’s suddenly taken can be filled at any given moments. it’s just that much of a contradiction in her life. 

to not miss, but end up missing anyways.  to not want to think, but to end up thinking about it all day. 

point in case, he’s kissed her for a quick second and she’s already missing it even though it happened just seconds ago. not even a minute ago. she won’t even begin to think about his hands on her skin or in her hair. that’s put her to sleep numerous times before. instead of lingering on all of that, hyuna shakes her head with a sigh, goes on softly.

“if i sleep, i’ll be angry at you, because this is a missed opportunity to have you make me breakfast the way i–i missed having it.” her words stumble a bit, it should be, i’ll miss having it. but she’s told enough solemn truths for a start of a day.

one thing he’s learned, is not to anticipate, in the way that it breeds anxiety. not to try and think too much. because hyuna has a way of pulling things out of him that would’ve scared him but he didn’t think too much of. sometimes, soohyuk thinks he doesn’t look too much to the future anymore, because of how it used to cloud him rather than spur him on. more of a blemish on his present than a beacon in the future. he stopped looking towards it and started working on him, knowing he would end up somewhere.

he would leave and join the military, do his mandatory service at a time that wasn’t right or wrong, it was just a time. just like there’s a time and place for everything. to be somewhere and do it and sometimes that time and place is just in that moment. not planned or deliberated. it was an important decision, a big decision but further deliberation would bring anxiety and worries. anxiety and worries that used to force him into someone he wasn’t so long ago. things that would make him break who he was into someone he wasn’t too sure about it.

as days and months passed he was sure he wanted to be proud of who he was. things and titles like renowned actor, worldwide model, started dwindling into proud man. and proud man has new things, more important things like moral and values, companions and relationships. more important people like her, more important than most. everything was to be and to learn to be the kind of person he wanted. stunted where he was, he didn’t want to make the same mistakes, though he’d make new ones.

he’d wondered if this was one. leaving distance between them even more than usual, more than the occasional day or three without contact. more than a few empty nights because the other was overseas. he had wondered, continuously on what kind of strain this would put and if both hearts could handle what they would go through. this was deliberated, not too long but enough to where he had to make a move or risk the same stagnant mindspace.

he’d done it and it puts him here. with a heart that finally weightless with the weight of her body against his. and a mind that’s less jumbled and caught off-guard with the words that leave her lips. the slight hesitation but the finality in it. hyuna has never been someone to hold back, always drawing the anxieties out of him but surprisingly, at times when he thinks he’s ready. when he acknowledges them, has thought about them, can tackle them. she is, in words and in person, always and only what he needs.

“i will,” and there’s a kiss in between this because there can be and he needs it to be, “make you the biggest breakfast for as long as i’m here. so much that you’ll have to be in bed because you’ll be so full.” there’s a smile, because their faces are still so close that it moves against hers, nose and cheeks and all. “and I’ll make these mornings count for all the ones we missed.” and the ones they’ll soon miss again, and for these few ones to be the ones they hold onto to fill the space. 

kkt // who or what are you calling a distraction?  kkt // you want to know a secret? i end up with a better day with just getting a hello from you.  kkt // another secret? hyuna is only happy because [ … ] happy.  kkt // fill in the blanks and you’ll have it.  kkt // hyunapple is so embarrassing. i have upgraded! i need a new nickname TT or an additional one. oppa really, i look like an apple to you? well they’re crunchy and yummy but i am not food. 

kkt // past tense? i wonder what happened to break you apart?  kkt // that’s exactly it! and that too is exactly it. kkt // i am happy when we understand each other ⌒°(❛ᴗ❛)°⌒ kkt // …… !! kkt // i think the cat got my tongue now. kkt // i feel like i should feel bad that you gave in  kkt // but i keep rereading that last fill in the blanks and i think it’s best this becomes my game if we don’t want to have to explain why i am distractedly and very red staring at my phone instead of working all day long.

kkt // innocent? you? can we not do that? put you and innocent in one sentence?  kkt // it doesn’t work!  kkt // no, no, oppa we are playing what i thought we were. kkt // unless i win we’re playing this my way ……  kkt // i am tempted to ask if you’ve been drinking.  kkt // …. if hyuna were a flavour she’d be a strawberry flavored ice cream  kkt // ╭( ･ㅂ･)و ̑̑ ＂

kkt // （〃・ω・〃） kkt // voicemessage // stop being cheeeeesy, don’t you have a job to do out there?  kkt // ー(￣～￣)ξ kkt // voicemessage // also, i thought we were playing tell me something i don’t know. obviously. 

kkt // …….. kkt // ???  kkt // are you for real?  kkt // hm  kkt // a cat as captured my tongue …  kkt // (=ↀωↀ=)✧

“what?” she’s biting her moue, before she’s letting it curl her lips. “give and take, balance of the world? wise things like that, things that only the oldest of oldest think about?” not really, that’s not true. those are things that everyone lingers on now and then. these are things that are most of the times forgotten in this world, especially in the industry of entertainment. she’s sure these are things he’s had to encounter as well. when people watch you from afar and only get glimpses of what you’re supposed to be like to them, it’s hard for them to be able to give the same amount as you give them.

because, logically speaking. in her logic at least. if one isn’t giving the whole truth. one will never receive what one thinks they’re entitled to, you feed lies, you get things that lack what is enough to put the truth of who you are upfront. finding things that hold true to you and hold true to the people you want to carry around you, it’s the hardest thing to pick. 

the hardest to put a finger on and hyuna thinks, she has this certainty that she’s picked out the most important of them. didn’t always used to be like this. but lying here, solid warmth under her own weight, she’s more than assured that she’ll never stumble on anything but a reality that she deserves. that she’s worked to get, that she’s still working to capture in its entirety. 

“you’re wrong oppa, there’s still a lot, lot, loooot that i need to get.” of him, or her, or them and the world as it is, but their world as it builds as well. little bubble, that may never expand, but fills itself with his touch tracing down her skin and how lax she goes from it. her mind a bit of fog between acute awareness and that other lazy side, the one that always welcomes mornings where she can stay in bed and not worry about the outside world. just yet. 

her limbs are languid and it takes a lot more than it ought to for her to shake her head and herself out of almost falling asleep again. it was harder yesterday when his fingers were going up and down her back while she was trying to talk to him because distance will make it scarce again, to hear him and listen to him and feel him near. but he put her to sleep too quickly for her liking. she’s not letting that happen again, even if a yawn almost stretches her lips. instead she rises, palms flat on his torso and she sits up so quickly her head spins with the motion. 

“but it’s fine, i’m a fair lady, i’ll let you have this win for now. because someone didn’t give me that much of a choice and anyways,” and anyways, she leans over, hair falling, curtains but not to the sun shining through her blonde locks and opened windows. that’s a rarity, she doesn’t like being awoken by the sun, usually. “good morning, it’s a new day, it’s a new year.” morning breath aside, that she would cover with her hand if she had the shame to do it now–she doesn’t, instead, she’s careful of her breath to not fan over his face but rather come out in quiet puff through her nose. a nose that she lightly brushes to his. 

before he might’ve taken the time to consider if that was right, or if he felt as strongly about it. there are things that he’s been all gung ho for, believing wholeheartedly in the past. they didn’t bring downfalls but they brought their experiences, and soohyuk’s started to change that. he’s still all for some things, still as passionate, but he lets other things drive him as well. not so much ideas or concepts but feelings. so as he says it and his brows furrow at her words, it’s amusement. intrigue.

because as people would say, the concept is giving all to someone. he’s given all that he thinks he has to offer. while it may not be all he could give, all at the end of the road they’re not there yet. it’s more like, he’s choosing to give all that he feels slip on it’s own, showing parts of himself and saying things that he wants. surrendering all that with confidence and even with the nervousness that sticks around. if there are parts and sides of him he hasn’t shown, even soohyuk thinks he hasn’t seen them yet. but they’ll come out. because he’s open to it, a little excited and he’ll be ready when they do.

that’s another thing he’s noticed, about being ready when it happens though before it does he’s a little skeptical. about being worried but not trusting in the moment and trusting it to happen when it does. it’s something that’s started to carry him through his decisions. he will be ready one day, he has confidence in himself and his growth, but if it’s not here yet, that’s fine. if there’s a show he’s trying for and he’s not ready, he will be. if there’s a casting that he’s not ready for when it comes that means he is. that doesn’t mean he doesn’t work through. doesn’t mean he ignores the anxiety, and the effort.

it’s what got him here, arms wound around her and smile lazy and content.

so he trusts. trusts and lets her laze and pull against him. just as he lets himself fall into it all. lets his smile be permanent, if only a little sleepy on his lips. “good morning.” eyes that are only open this much because she’s up and she’s in front of him, and it’s an image preferred awake then dreaming away miles and miles away. and it makes him stare just as tad, allowing all the movement and all the feather touches that he’s missed before he decides to move. hand moving from it’s rest and catching through her hair and blocking the sun. running, feeling, smoothing over cheeks and sides. “you’re letting me win huh,” the smile moves with the words and across her cheek when he rises. just a tad, just an inch to brush a kiss where his hand had been. and another because he can. “it is a new year then.”

as if there’s anything to fear of the man. well there was–for a brief moment. a very brief moment that passed as if it never mattered. chances are, it never did. because from then to now, hyuna thinks, what’s the most baffling is that uncertainty was something that was more like a rite of passage than a constant. why baffled? because, in this world, she’s learned that nothing comes easy. nothing is just a breeze through. even her presence on stage, ten practices down and she still will always make one mistake that she will know about. 

that if she let anyone on, they will know about. see. even after ten years pursuing a career that she enjoys, that she should have mastered by now, she’s still not that good enough. at least not for her. so in this life where things are just trial error, and then trial error. it seems like–like soohyuk never left any place for any of those two. it was as simple as take a walk, forget the world, because you can walk and look around and soak in the way it matters none long as you can do this. just go on. he’s brought an easiness to friendship, an easiness to emotions she’d thought long gone.

or perhaps long gone is an exaggeration, perhaps they just were dormant. either way–either way she’s shaking his head at his boo, either way she’s squirming under the reach of his hands. contentment comes in different shapes and different kind of fullness within, but it seems to always have the same dosage where he’s concerned. the kind that just never seems to be measured. overfilling, overwhelmingly so and spilling at the seams and still she’ll swim instead of drowning in it. she goes to him without much of a fight, she mocks him lightly, she leans into him as if he never sought her out and she was the one who did. 

at least, until her hands are sliding down his shoulders and pushing him to roll on his back so she can settle atop of him. look some more maybe. but with words finally breaking past her mouth as well, still quirked on that smile. it’s a hard task to get rid of it right now, it’ll be harder to make it fade for the whole day. it’s been glued since last night. “we need to talk, oppa.” 

there isn’t even a time to try to look stern, her voice is hoarse, sleep laced. her bare toes are playing against his legs, climbing then just wiggling there. everything is impossibly warm and he feels less bones and skin under her. it makes it even more easier to relax against him and put her hands and chin on his chest while arching her eyebrows from where she peers up at him. “you’ve been stealing a lot of my ways of doing things, you know. you can’t do that.” 

like surprise her when she wants to be the one to do it. like make the new year even more meaningful than it was last year, when she wanted to do that. like make sure to have him by her side to start off on a good step, when she wanted to give him that. and all the other things that she thinks of, she’s thought of and he’d done without even batting a lash as if he just knew. as if he just knows her before she knows herself. 

he relents. he will always relent when it’s her. let her mow him over and mold him around because of trust. because nothing really seems negative around her. there were times when they’d seemed unfamiliar but not negative, the good push that he needed. the push that everyone would need to get here. here, with the smiles and the small quirks and bold touches. here in complete comfort and security that he can tell she has whenever her body seems to go with what it wants and push all hesitancy aside for it. the confidence, that though might have been shaky in the beginning, jumps forth when it can. that’s hyuna though, so it shouldn’t surprise him.

and this, this is all the longing and the aches and the waiting and the daydream that’s he’s wished for. this is the finally, that’s knocked out his breath when she leans over her and rests in her usual positio. the let’s talk that he wants to say, is drowned out by the feeling of it all. by him watching her and letting his hands settle where they wish. he’s not mapping anything really, he’s seeing and learning. because he glides down and hyuna’s hair is longer, lighter of course but longer. long enough to curl his palm in but a little wispy that he reaches her shirt right after.

and he wants to focus but this has completely taken priority. this, was all that he’d waited for so he won’t let the chance slip. he knows he has time, feels like he has it, but doesn’t really believe it quite yet. he believes she’s here though, couldn’t fake her remarks in his head because that’s what makes it so much better. that’s what lets the daydream fade as he sticks to the reality. sticks, and kneads the pads of his thumb wherever they land. shoulder blades, back, the small of her back and so on. he knows to give her all his attention, knows she’d have it anyway but he’s still a little dreamy and he’ll use this time to gather what he can when she’s not here.

little things like how she must’ve been up early these past weeks because the squirming she uses to climb up is quick but her legs are lazy and tangled after. like how the flesh of her thigh doesn’t quite slide through, it sits atop and it’s somewhere his fingers decide to rest and cover. because yeah, that means she’s taking care and eating well. like how the smile is always there, always always there and that’s something that should never change. how movements and words are bold bold bold and they’ve both gone through a few changes of their own. 

all the changes and everything still fits so right.

“heol,” his voice isn’t quite back yet, but it sounds better when he uses it with the smile on his face. “i’ve been back for what? a few hours? and you’re already accusing me of stealing from you?” his hands take a while to move from where they’ve rested, move from inching down the back of her thighs and finding out all he’s missed out on. moving up for arms to curl around her waist and hold while his eyes stay on her. always on her.

she barely slept, but she slept well. ( @ishyks // geez ) 

she can tell the difference from deep slumber to the light ones, because from the depth of the deepest ones she wakes up feeling clear headed. she wakes up without a yawn, maybe a stretch or two will be needed. but she wakes up content and graceful. a bit like the image of the perfect commercial passing by on the screen, over and over, of this one girl waking up at the perfect time with the perfect smile. except in the reality of things there are no such things as perfect times, hyuna’s aware. but this comes close.

this waking up, knowingly, but not wanting to be fully awake. that’s the reality of things. contrary to the girl in behind the screen who’d be out of her sheets the moment she blinked her eyes. in reality nobody wishes to leave the comfort of their blankets. in reality, hyuna would rather stay right here. for slightly different reasons than her blankets. 

she straightens, elbows pressing into her mattress as she turns to the company she has beside her. still more than a perfect reason. it’s not lack of sleep that’s trying to stick her to her bed, it’s the fullness of wanting to linger by someone’s side. he’s sound asleep though. as it should be she thinks, definitely as it should be. how long it must have taken and how much time ad how much energy, she’s thought of that last night. 

in passing only though, too happy with having him here than worrying about how he got here, or when. now her mind’s clear, now her long’s been somewhat–filled, so that she can simply let things be and maybe just get to take a good look before it’s time for him to stir up again. he usually does so around this time. when the sun is ready to be up and she usually does before, before the sun rises to welcome him. 

there’s a temptation in her fingers, her elbows give up under her and she presses her cheek against her pillow. the one he has under his head is going to keep him for days and days–or at least until the next time she needs to wash him off. again. may time slow until that day, may it. 

but for now, it is her fingers that cannot be kept in a timely order and she’s reaching, like a breeze she wants it to be though. her teeth she sinks in her bottom lip and the tip of her finger she doesn’t tap first. just brushes against his nose. then closer to the skin and relishes in how magnetic it always seems to be, slides closer, face and body and fingers, until of course–she’s touching. down the bridge, to the tip. suddenly so focused that the thought of waking him up–kind of vanishes, leaving place to the thought of mapping him out. 

in the time that’s passed, he’s learned how to treasure and hold. he’s learned how to save and savor all the same. in the time that’s passed soohyuk has found the ways he needs to keep them from truly passing while letting them pass.

especially these few weeks. these few weeks that have molded into months, soohyuk’s found ways to let them pass. not painlessly but a little easier. 

they’ve been hard and everyone has their ways. he’s got a mate, who has recordings on his phone, that once granted access he was up playing and replaying until he began to speak and repeat them in the mornings and nights. it was creepy until it was endearing and suddenly it was routine. it let him know the weight of all this, of all he was doing and what it might mean to him as well as others. he’s got a friend that saved notes from his house, pictures from the fridge and even a few polaroids. saved them and tucked them deep because distance makes the heart fond but it still aches and he wasn’t too prepared for the ache.

he’s been trained in the easier ones. the easier aches where what he seeks isn’t that far. where there isn’t that much of a restriction just a few hours and a couple schedules. where there’s only small complications that at the time were a nuisance but nothing too big. nothing they couldn’t handle. this? maybe it’s not that big but it’s bigger than the rest. because in the end he could always show up then, always call then and always have her around then. circumstances and all. but through this, he had to wait, and wait and wait. and the fond grew into ache without a phone call and without a touch.

but the memories grew as well. and so that’s how soohyuk made his peace.

he had his notes, from the really busy days. he had those, but he had memories that he files and holds onto. ones that he doesn’t waste and ones that he’s spent time reliving. first momentary things, like grabbing breakfast and remembering hers, theirs. jokes and laughter and recalling her own. cold on a pillow and recalling the warmth to get it back. he’s dreamed it up and lived it all that the daydream helps him get by. he lives in it as he longs and that helps soothe it. 

the soothing however is temporary and nothing compares to the healing, the actual seal and release of it all. it’s a little bit of both, the hug was. the night and all it had. it was the needed reality that no amount of memories could really bring him to. it’s that though, that has him eager to wake up, because while he’d slept he couldn’t deny the moments turned in question of a daydream and a reality. couldn’t deny how he sought for the dream but didn’t want to break it.

kkt - that’s a serious case of uncalled for paranoia you’ve got there (・_・ヾ kkt - your asking sounds like it’s starting something kkt - like when journalists ask you a question but really they’re just accusing you of something and are going to transform your answer to fit their content anyways kkt - oppa do you know who i am? kim.hyu.na. don’t pap me!  kkt - more promises to live by. it better be good … or else 

to him: be as you are if you think its better, be as you are while knowing that it’s not the best. be, knowing that you can be more and will be more. be, knowing that you can still be more but also be you comfortably. just be and don’t think too much of being, unless it’s becoming hard. when it becomes hard, be smart and be better. you’ve become bold and bathed in bliss, so enjoy until the end.

about names, possession, and everything I have never admitted to anyone: all these things know is fatigue. fatigue in all that was done, in all that was said and expected and how expectations tighten. all that was said was practiced, all that was done stung, always stung until everything fell apart. all i know about fatigue is i’m glad for it. all i know about my name is that i have it and some people see it some don’t. not everyone has to see it and i don’t need them to. not everyone has to like it but everyone will have something to say about it. i possess very little and i must remember. i possess the body and that’s all i need and i can’t forget. all i want to admit i need to admit to myself first. that this can be tiring, that this is also fun and this is also life. that i can’t change the past and that i sometimes hate where it’s brought me but i hated where i was more. 

to angels: keep humans in your thoughts.

to death: be merciful in your reminders. be kind in your robbery. [ to everything else: be full until then ] to her:  if all i know is fatigue, you are the reminder of more. you are the lessons, and every lesson to come. every smile and sensation and shock. a missing link, another half. most of the thoughts and most of the good and there for the rest of it. there in the mind, distracting and thriving and taking up all the space you need. i am, giving up and opening out and proud to do so. i am new and the same at the same time. i am me and also what i can be because of and thanks to you. all i should say i’m getting better at saying, all i don’t know i’m getting better at learning. i’m moving around in a world that already knows how great you are and hope to be enough, hope to show enough and prove enough. as i take, hands, hearts, smiles and all i’m keeping you in the most quiet places, pushing you through the loudest and knowing why everyone talks about this so much. this like fitting and being and loving and living.

to the body:  thank you for all that you were. thank you for the skeleton for the fleshing out and for the growth. you’ve endured and you’ve learned, you’re new and you’re old and you’re living and that’s all I ask. I’ll take care as you will and I’ll try to walk hand in hand with you. I’ll try to be the body and the man and we’ll keep being one.

to the heart: bloom as you wish. be wild and bright and be everything you’re experiencing. fill and fill and suffocate everything else. this is a beginning but it’s a storm and a calm and a ride and everything you probably aren’t ready for but everything you’re waiting for. stay excited all that you’ll get, stay open and stay healthy. don’t hesitate, don’t falter, say and do and act as you please. i’m right beside you, a little tired of you, but glad to have you. thank her, hold her, be the best for her.

for someone who enjoys throwing surprise parties or surprising other people, isn’t hyuna just a good deal of too impatient for the roles to be reversed? she is, she knows it. and now, soohyuk can say that he’s witnessed and lived and survived through it. except they’re not where they’re supposed to be yet and so–maybe survived is a bit too soon of a term to be used. “what are you oppa? the pouting police?” but since he’s made it so damn categorical that he’s not going to let go of the secret, fine–she’ll do with what she can. sulking with words, “these are my lips, my mouth, my body, mine, i can do what i want with it. what’s with the tyranny?” a frown, a few more mumbles following because she won’t stop her tirade even if they’re just words that mean the same thing following each other. but despite it all, she’s leaning against his side and aware that she’s just going to have to wait through the anticipation and the burn to inquire until she gets an answer. pressure and constant harassment doesn’t seem to work that well tonight, shame, shame–shame.