I'm the Gatekeeper∞

My dad is the Hispanic one. My mom is white. And I'm 29 years old.

And I have no idea how to do or deal with my curly hair.

My step-mom was the closest to accurate guidance I ever received on what to do with my hair. But by the time she came into my life, I was nine or ten so shit was starting to set in stone. I say that's she's the only real guidance I ever got because she was formerly married to a black man and he already had three kids, two of which are beautiful mixed girls. And I love my sisters. And my brothers. I love our rainbow coalition of siblings.

This picture is from like 2011 but you get the gist.

Anyway. I have no idea how to do my hair. I either leave it down, throw it up, or do a couple of french braids and call it a day.

Okay, let me rephrase this, I know how to DO my hair. I'm usually just to lazy to do anything else than the aforementioned things. But I don't know what to put in my hair. What products would be best. I've spent my entire life, especially my adult life, just kind of guessing and it's been a whole lot of trial and error.

And it's... It kind of saddens me. Because... My mothers and my grandmother (a beautician of, like, almost sixty years or some shit) have done their best. But I'm still at a loss as to what I should do.

And this has been something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Like, at the beauty supply store today, I legitimately told the girl at the checkout, "Oh, you know. I don't know how to do my hair and I'm finally trying to figure it out as I approach my thirties." And part of me wishes, like, some older curly girl just takes me under her wing and tells me what to do and how to do it. Just a fucking hair guru or some shit.

I feel like this shouldn't be so depressing. But I'm at a point in my life where my depression and anxiety are just weighing so heavily on me and the dumbest things set them off. Like how I don't know what to do with my fucking hair and I'm actually crying right now as I fucking type this and I'm just like...

I don't know what to do, guys.

And at the same time, I love protective styles. I fucking do. I think they're beautiful. You know what ones are my favorites? Butterfly locs and passion twists. But like... I don't think I'd look right with that.